The Return of the Gundam
by MomsDarkSecret
Summary: Being the third part of my Gundam Wing / Lord of the Rings crossover, I shall endeavor to finish strong and with as little as possible in common with the original epic tome!
1. Parting Ways

This story is number eleven in my Gundam Wing adventure series. The previous stories are, in chronological order: **Gundam Wing and the Knights of the Round Table; Gundam Wing and the Quest for the Holy Grail;** **The** **Magicians of Gundam Wing;** **Gundam Wing and the Men of Sherwood Forest**; **Gundam Wing and the Gods of Thunder**; **Gundam Wing on Mount Olympus; Gundam Wing in the Wild, Wild West**; **Gundam Wing goes to Hogwarts,** **The Fellowship of The Gundam** and **The Two Gundams**. The latter two stories are the first and second installments in my classic re-telling of the classic Lord of the Rings trilogy. If you read this story without reading the others first, or at least the last two, you might be very confused.

**Disclaimer**: This is an original work of fiction, but the characters of Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Wu-Fei Chang, Trowa Barton, Quatre Reberba Winner, Zechs Merquise and Treize Kushranada are borrowed from Gundam Wing AC by Hajime Yatate and Yoshiyuki Tomino and produced by Sunrise. Roku, on the other hand, is totally my creation, as are Alexa, Hadeya and Jett. Other Gundam Wing characters, like Sally Po and Lucretzia Noin, who might appear or be mentioned are also borrowed from Gundam Wing by Yatate-sama and Tomino-sama. Everyone else is made up by me, the author.

**Additional Disclaimer:** All the characters from The Lord of the Rings were created by J.R.R. Tolkien and produced by various publishers.

**Warnings**: This is a comedy, but you'll have to watch out for implied yaoi, not-so-implied yaoi, sexual innuendo, adult situations, occasional swearing, a general lack of respect for "decent" behavior and a noticeable tendency toward mayhem and destruction.

**Addendum**: This is the final installment of my cross-over with the boys and Lord of the Rings. I think I'm going to have a lot of fun with this. There are just so many exciting bits to completely mess up.

**I'm a bad woman:** Is it bad that every time I see a pair of really handsome brothers, I imagine them in incestuous concourse?

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Chapter 1: **Parting Ways**

"Now that we have defeated Saruman," Gandalf said gravely, "we can expect Sauron to move quickly against Minas Tirith. If he destroys that fabled city, the rest of Middle Earth will quickly fall."

"You cannot be sure of that," Théoden said. "After such an unexpected defeat, he may choose to retreat and regroup."

"Not if he thinks he knows where the ring is," Aragorn said. "He will put all his effort into recovering it. Most importantly, he will do whatever he can to keep the ring from falling into the hands of his most hated enemies. It behooves us to lend whatever support we can to the Steward of Gondor."

Théoden frowned. "We have just come through a brutal fight. Would you ask us to immediately enter another?"

"The war isn't over, King Théoden," Gandalf said.

"That's right," Duo interrupted. "Do I need to remind you that I was in contact with that wretched Sauron's mind? It was chockfull of battle plans. He's coming out of his stronghold like a hammer and he's planning to fall on a city of white stone. I saw it."

"How much of his plan did you see?" Aragorn asked, suddenly all interest.

"Not much that would help. Mostly it involved sending so many forces into the field that the soldiers of Gondor can't counter it."

"That is exactly my concern," Gandalf said. "I will take this news to Gondor so they can prepare for the battle, but they will need help. Rohan must come to their aid."

"Did they come to mine?" Théoden demanded.

"He sounds a little whiny," Heero muttered. "Did he even ask for help? Oh, wait, I forgot. He was too busy being possessed and letting his enemy's agent run his kingdom."

"Be nice," Trowa murmured. "That could happen to anyone."

"Has it happened to you?"

"Well, no, but..."

"Hush, Heero!" Quatre whispered. "Handling a zero system can lead to similar problems."

"I didn't have any problems," Heero said pointedly.

"Are you implying that I did?" Quatre growled.

"You did blow up a colony."

"They had it coming! And anyway, you blew one up, too!"

"I set off a bomb. That's different. And the colony didn't disappear in a spectacular explosion that could be seen from Earth."

"My solution was more efficient," Quatre said archly.

"I'm sure your zero system would agree."

"_Hominus..._" Quatre began under his breath.

Trowa elbowed him in the ribs. "Quatre, pay attention to the main discussion."

"King Théoden," Treize was saying, "I must agree with Gandalf and Aragorn. There is still a very powerful enemy to be faced. It makes no sense to allow that enemy to destroy his opponents piecemeal. There is a reason for the old saying that the enemy of my enemy is my friend. You need to present a united front."

Théoden frowned. "I will consider it. But I must ensure that my people are protected. That is my highest responsibility as their king."

"Very well," Gandalf said. He gave Aragorn a long look. "But in the meantime, I must go to Gondor." His hand fell heavily onto Pippin's shoulder. "And this young hobbit will go with me."

Pippin flinched.

"We're going, too," Duo said immediately. He draped his arms around Heero and Wu-Fei's shoulders. "We can help. We've been through a battle or two."

Gandalf nodded. "In that case, there is no reason to delay. Let us organize supplies for the journey."

It didn't take long to get ready, so by early afternoon, everyone was in the stable helping the travelers saddle horses and load up a pack horse.

"You know," Roku said, "if I was going, they wouldn't need the packhorse."

"You're not going," Quatre said flatly.

"But Mama..."

"I'm not letting you go off alone with Duo," Quatre said. "He is a bad influence."

"Hey!"

"I'm not a cub, anymore!" Roku complained. "I teach a class at the university."

"That's not the point."

"How does a tiger teach a class?" Pippin asked curiously.

"I'm not a tiger when I'm teaching."

"Ah."

"Anyway," Roku continued, "I don't think it's fair that they get to go off and fight and I don't. Slaughtering orcs is fun."

"You see?" Quatre said. "That's exactly what I'm talking about. Only someone influenced by Heero and Duo would say something like that."

"This from the person who just said blowing up a whole colony was efficient," Wu-Fei murmured.

"I heard that!"

"Don't worry about it, Roku," Treize said. "I'm sure we'll all be there by the time the real fighting starts."

"Time to go," Gandalf said. He picked up Pippin and plopped him onto Shadowfax's back.

Looking wistful, Merry passed Pippin a packet of tobacco. "I know you've finished yours," he said. "Try not to smoke this all at once."

"Thanks, Merry." The two young hobbits regarded each other with sad, worried expressions.

"Mommy and Daddy always kiss when they look at each other like that," Alexa remarked.

"Didn't we have a discussion about such comments?" Zechs said sternly.

"Sorry."

Duo picked up Jett and hugged her tightly. "I'm going to miss you, pumpkin. Be a good girl and try not to shatter anything."

"Ok, Momma," Jett sniffed. "Be careful."

"I'm always careful." He kissed her on the cheek and handed her to Heero.

"You be careful, too, Papa," Jett said. "And make sure Momma doesn't do anything stupid."

"As usual," Heero replied. He gave Jett a kiss.

Wu-Fei put an arm around her and kissed her other cheek. "We'll resume your lessons after the war is over."

"Ok, Papa."

Heero handed Jett to Trowa and he, Duo and Wu-Fei mounted their horses. Heero grasped the reins of the packhorse.

Gandalf swung up behind Pippin and then leaned down to grasp Aragorn by the forearm. "Keep watch for the beacons. You must convince Théoden to respond if Gondor calls for aid."

"I will," Aragorn said.

They shook hands and Gandalf gripped his reins. "Let's be off!"

With Gandalf in the lead, they galloped out of the stable and down the twisting road to the gates of Edoras. Merry ran up to the battlements with Jett on his heels and watched them ride away.

"I hope Pippin will be all right," Merry said.

"Don't worry, Merry," Jett said. "My mom and dads always win their fights."

"But Pippin can be so impulsive!"

Aragorn came up behind them and put his hands on their shoulders. "We can only hope for the best," he said. "But we are not facing these dark times alone. The men of Gondor have faced this evil for generations. We must trust them to hold until we can come to their aid."

Galloping full speed across open country, the object of their conversation was not looking back, although in Pippin's case it was probably just because he couldn't see around Gandalf's bulk.

"How long will it take to reach this city in Gondor?" Heero asked.

"Some few days, if we can avoid unnecessary stops," Gandalf replied.

"Does unnecessary mean stops for meals?" Pippin asked fearfully.

"There will be time to eat when we reach Minas Tirith."

Pippin paled.

"We're not wizards, Gandalf," Wu-Fei remarked. "We can't survive on air and determination. We will have to stop for food and water, briefly at least."

"And the horses will need to rest," Duo added. "Shadowfax may be descended from gods or whatever, but the other horses are normal animals and will need rest, food and water."

Shadowfax tossed his head and snorted.

"Did that horse just insult me?" Duo demanded. He stared suspiciously at the white horse.

"Shadowfax was merely concurring with your assessment of the capabilities of your horses," Gandalf said, but his lips twitched as he spoke.

Duo frowned. "I can read wizard minds, too, you know."

"My apologies," Gandalf said, but he didn't sound apologetic.

They galloped steadily across the rolling grasslands of Rohan, stopping only twice each day: once in the late afternoon to eat and rest, and again several hours after sunset to eat and sleep. Then they would get up before dawn each morning and resume their journey.

But late in the morning of the second day, Duo began craning his neck, examining the countryside around them.

"What's bothering you, Duo?" Heero demanded. "Is someone trying to sneak up on us?"

"Well, yeah, but it's someone with enough sense to try to hide his thoughts. But I can still feel something. It's familiar, though... Ow!"

"Got you, Papa Duo!" Roku shouted. He bounded to his feet from underneath several tufts of grass.

Caught by surprise by the abrupt appearance of a large predator, every horse but Shadowfax bolted away in sudden panic, pitching the unprepared Gundam pilots to the ground.

"Dammit, Roku!" Heero shouted, "What were you thinking?"

"Well, I was thinking that I'd surprise you," Roku replied. "But now I'm thinking that horses are mighty damned skittish."

"Oh, that's helpful." Heero put his hands on his hips and glared after the fleeing horses. "Would you turn into a human for the moment until we can get these stupid animals under control?"

"Ok."

Nevertheless, it took Gandalf and Shadowfax nearly an hour to convince the frightened horses to come back, time that Gandalf was loath to lose. He shook a stern finger at Roku. "I thought you were told to remain behind."

Roku shrugged. "Mama will get over it."

Duo, Heero and Wu-Fei exchanged a frightened look. "He doesn't know you left?"

"I snuck off. Anyway, there's nothing to worry about. I'm pretty sure he can't cast any of the really bad spells over this distance."

"Just pretty sure?" Duo asked nervously. "What if he starts thinking at me in Latin?"

"I doubt that would have any lasting effect."

"What?"

"Anyway, just block him out. I'm sure he'll have gotten over it by the time he sees you."

Duo put a hand over his face. "He's going to turn me into an insect or something."

Wu-Fei put a sympathetic arm around his shoulders. "We'll still love you, even if you're a chitinous little bug with mandibles."

"That doesn't help, you know."

"Quatre is not going to turn you into a bug," Heero said. "A rat, maybe. Worst case, a mouse."

"I want to go back to Mars."

Roku licked Duo's hand. "Don't worry, Papa. I'll turn you back."

"Thank you, Roku. By the way, teenage boys usually don't lick people's hands when showing sympathy, even young ones."

"Can I be a tiger, then?"

"Let's wait until after we stop for the night," Duo said. "The horses will be too tired to run away, then. You can ride with me."

"Ok."

They resumed their journey and after five days rounded the shoulder of the mountains and started south, with the mountains on their right and a vast, flat plain on their left.

As the sun was setting on the fifth day, Gandalf reined Shadowfax to a halt. "There lies the heart of Gondor," he said and pointed to a city built into the side of the mountain. Constructed of white stone, with a jutting vertical ridge splitting it down the middle, the city was protected from the plain by towering battlements. Circular walls punctuated with watch towers divided the city into levels.

Heero nodded appreciatively. "Good design. They have defensive points all the way to the top. I assume the keep is at the top of that ridge?"

"That is correct," Gandalf said.

"Nice. I approve."

They resumed riding and arrived at the gate as the light was fading. Not surprisingly, the gate was closed up tight. Gandalf knocked on it with his staff.

"Gandalf the White has grave news for the Steward of Gondor!" he bellowed. "Admit us at once!"

Several heads peeked over the battlements at them and then shouts of "Open the gate!" echoed from the inside. Moments later, with much creaking and groaning, the massive gates swung open just enough to allow them to squeeze through. At Gandalf's suggestion, Roku was once again in human form and riding behind Duo.

"What news, Gandalf?" dozens of voices cried out as they entered, but Gandalf ignored them. He nudged Shadowfax to a trot and they rode up the flagstone streets, climbing steadily higher as the road wound up the face of the cliff, plunging through tunnels with gates at both ends every time they came up against the massive ridge bisecting the heart of the city. But at last they came out on top, riding up a steep ramp and into a wide courtyard that extended to the very edge of the cliff. At the back of the courtyard, built into the face of the mountain, was a great palace, and in front of it was a small pond with a leafless tree growing at its edge.

"Behold the White Tree!" Gandalf intoned. "Though it looks dead, it is not. It will flower when the rightful king once again sits on the throne of Gondor."

"So who is this steward, then?" Wu-Fei asked.

"The Steward of Gondor served the king in times past, but when Isuldur was lost, it fell to the king's steward to govern the land of Gondor, and so it has been in all the centuries since." Gandalf hopped down from Shadowfax's back and lifted Pippin down.

"And they've never claimed the throne for themselves?"

"No. But Denethor is still a ruler, so you would all do well to watch your tongues with him." Gandalf frowned. "He's not an easy man to deal with." He led the way inside.

Surprisingly, for such a big palace, they saw no one as they entered the great hall, except for a single man sitting on a carved chair at the foot of a set of steps leading up to an ornate throne.

"Denethor, I bring grave tidings!" Gandalf began.

"Will your tidings explain this?" Denethor held up the broken halves of Boromir's great horn. "I dreamed that my son was dead! Explain that, if you will!"

"He's not dead," Duo said quickly before Gandalf could answer. "He suffered a personal setback and decided to go on a spiritual journey. I'm sure he'll turn up."

"What?" Denethor frowned at him. "I don't understand."

Pippin abruptly stepped forward and bowed. "Boromir fell defending me and my kinsman, sir. We are in his debt. If my meager service could in some way repay you for his loss, I beg you to accept me!"

"Pippin!" Gandalf snapped, but his admonition was drowned out by the simultaneously slapping of four hands against four foreheads, and all three Gundam pilots and Roku groaned aloud.

"Indeed?" Denethor looked Pippin up and down, and he straightened slightly. "Though your stature is small, I sense in you a great heart. Very well, I accept your service. But as for you," Denethor turned a dark glower on Gandalf, "I wonder what tidings you bring except perhaps the news that you would put some upstart, elven-raised brat on the once mighty throne of Gondor."

Gandalf matched him glower for glower. "The tidings I bring are in regard to our dreaded enemy in Mordor. He will soon move against you. Are your defenses prepared? You have little time."

"I am not blind, Gandalf!" Denethor sneered. "While you flit about the countryside fighting skirmishes, I have sent a host to meet the enemy in Osgiliath. When I have turned them back, they will think twice before coming this way again."

"What host?" Gandalf fumed. "You cannot defend Osgiliath! You will waste forces needed to defend your walls. Recall these men and prepare your siege engines! Send for help! Light the beacons! Rohan will come to your aid!"

Denethor pushed angrily to his feet. "I will not be instructed on how to defend my city! I have protected Minas Tirith all these years, not you, Gandalf! I need no help!" He stalked past them furiously and left the hall."

Gandalf stamped his foot. "The fool! Will he continue to insist he is right when the city is burning around him?" Then he rounded on Pippin. "And what were you thinking? Do you plan to strap on a sword and join those doomed men in Osgiliath?"

Pippin flinched away. "I didn't think!" he admitted. "He just looked so unhappy, so I thought…"

"No, you were right the first time," Gandalf interrupted. "You didn't think." He glared at Pippin for a moment longer and then turned to the others. "Well, if Denethor will do nothing, it is up to us to prepare. I will tend to the forces on the lower battlements and at the gate, if you will check on the siege engines on the upper battlements."

Heero nodded. "I'll take care of it."

"What about these beacons?" Wu-Fei asked.

"We must find a way to light the first beacon," Gandalf said. "It is above the palace on the cliff and the only way up will be guarded." He made a face. "I'm sure Denethor is right now giving orders denying us access."

"That's not a problem," Roku said. "I'll just fly up there."

"Not as a dragon," Wu-Fei ordered.

"Of course not. I can go as an owl. Nobody hears owls flying."

"Good."

"What about me?" Pippin said. "What should I do?"

"Stay out of trouble!" everyone answered in unison.

Pippin flinched and looked unhappy.

Roku sidled up beside him as they left to look for somebody to assign them rooms. "Don't feel bad, Pippin. I'll take you with me. If you don't mind being a mouse for a little while, I can carry you up to the beacon."

Pippin eyed him. "But if you're an owl and I'm a mouse…"

"I wouldn't eat you," Roku chuckled. "Mouse bones get stuck in my throat."


	2. To Arms!

Chapter 2: **To Arms!**

"It's Duo's fault, I tell you!" Quatre insisted, squirming against the ropes holding him tight against a chair. "Untie me, goddammit!"

"Not until you promise not to do anything stupid," Trowa said calmly.

"I'm not going to do anything stupid!" Quatre shouted. "I'm just going to turn into a falcon, fly after them, turn Duo into cockroach, and bring Roku back!"

"I would class that as something stupid."

"I would have to agree," Zechs said.

Jett smacked Quatre on the knee. "You can't turn Mommy into a bug!" she said sternly.

"Yeah, listen to the four-year-old," Trowa agreed.

"But…"

"Quatre," Treize said smoothly. "Roku is a teenager, which means he can behave impulsively. He wanted to go with the others, so I'm sure he made this decision on his own. You are wrong to place the blame on Duo's shoulders."

"Don't talk at me like a politician!"

"But you know I'm right."

Quatre scowled. "Oh, fine! I accept your argument. But why can't I go after him? I promise not to turn anyone into anything."

"We need you here, Quatre," Treize said. "Gandalf has gone to Minas Tirith, and now Roku has gone, too, so it makes sense for our only remaining wizard to stay with us."

"Roku's not a baby anymore, Quatre," Trowa put in. "You know he can take care of himself."

Quatre made puppy eyes at Trowa. "But you know how much I worry! Can't I please go?"

"No."

"Please?" Quatre's blue eyes appeared to fill half his face.

Trowa looked away. "No, and making puppy eyes at me will not change my mind!"

"Really?" Quatre's lower lip quivered and large drops of moisture appeared at the corners of his eyes.

"Damn, he's good," Zechs murmured.

"I'll say," Treize murmured back. "I'm almost ready to untie him."

"I want your promise that you will not try to go after them," Trowa demanded sternly. He crossed his arms and refused to look at Quatre.

"You're so mean!" Quatre said, his voice quavering.

"I'm waiting!"

"Fine!" Quatre shouted. "I promise!" The tears spilled from his eyes. "But I hate you!"

Trowa groaned. "No, you don't."

"Yes, I do! I'm never letting you touch me again! You're horrible!"

Treize untied Quatre. "He did promise," he said to Trowa.

As soon as he was free, Quatre stuck his tongue out at Trowa and stomped from the room.

"He doesn't mean it," Zechs said. "I'm sure he'll forgive you by tonight."

Trowa sighed. "I'll give him some time. He's just really protective."

"We noticed."

Aragorn watched this entire proceeding with lifted eyebrows. "Does this sort of thing happen a lot?"

"Sadly, yes," Treize replied. "But they always make up afterward."

"Usually with lots of being naughty," Alexa volunteered.

"Young lady," Zechs said pointedly, "I'm getting tired of having this conversation with you."

"I'm just telling it like it is."

"Must you act like a teenager?"

"And a girl teenager at that," Treize added.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Alexa put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot.

Treize covered his face with one hand. "I thought we'd have a few more years."

"I blame Quatre for the growth acceleration," Zechs grumbled.

"You guys are just tense," Alexa said. "You need to screw more."

"This cannot possibly be my influence," Zechs said archly to Treize, "so it must be your fault."

"Me? I come from the finest stock in Europe!"

"So do I!"

"That means I'm double-finest!" Alexa declared. She waved her hands in the air and waggled her hips. "Praise me!"

"Alexa is double-fine!" Jett crowed. She stuck her arms out and bowed to Alexa.

Aragorn made a strangling sound and put his hand over his mouth.

Treize and Zechs glared at him.

"What is all the noise in here?" Eowyn said from the doorway. She came into the room. "I just saw Quatre and he wouldn't speak to me. What is going on?"

Alexa and Jett danced around her in a circle. "Women rule!" they chanted in unison. "Come dance with us!"

"What?" Eowyn turned this way and that trying to watch both girls.

"We are paying the price of having Roku, Heero, Wu-Fei and Hadeya all gone at the same time," Trowa said. "The girls can get a little wild on their own."

"But…" Eowyn caught Jett around the shoulders and pulled the little girl against her. "What about Duo? And there are still four of you here!"

"Sadly," Trowa said, "while we're good for emotional support, apparently we lack the discipline gene."

"Wait a minute!" Zechs interrupted. "I can discipline my child!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes!"

Trowa pointed at Alexa. Alexa pirouetted gracefully and giggled.

"Alexa!" Zechs said sternly. "Behave!"

Alexa whirled to a stop and smiled beautifully. "Yes, Mommy."

Zechs nodded triumphantly, but he looked slightly relieved.

"Well, uh," Eowyn said uncertainly, "I came in to see if you wanted to eat now."

"Yay! Food!" Jett shrieked.

"Ow!" Everyone clapped their hands over their ears.

"Sorry!" Jett called over her shoulder as she dashed away.

"Wait for me!" Alexa cried and she raced after Jett.

Eowyn blinked. "Um… so… is everything going to be all right?"

"Of course," Treize said. He gave her his most reassuring smile. "This is all perfectly normal."

"Ah… I see." Eowyn slowly backed out.

Aragorn started after her. "Let's eat quickly. I want to keep a lookout in case the beacons are lit."

"About those beacons," Zechs said. "Explain this to me again. You said they are constructed on the tops of mountains between here and Gondor?"

"Yes," Aragorn replied. "Centuries ago, when treaties were first established between the western kingdoms, Gondor financed the construction of the beacons. Massive timbers were hauled to the tops of peaks and men live there year-round, keeping the wood oiled and a flame always burning."

"Men live year-round on top of the mountains?" Zechs frowned. "In the snow and ice?"

"Yes."

"And reduced oxygen?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"The air gets thin at high altitudes."

"Oh, that." Aragorn nodded. "It does take time to acclimatize to the altitude, I'm told. And I imagine the cold must get tiresome. But these are dedicated people. I respect them."

"Are you sure they're still up there?"

Aragorn blinked.

"Have these beacons ever been used?"

"Only as a test, but that was long before I was born."

Zechs shook his head. "I find it hard to imagine that this will actually work."

"Be quiet a second," Trowa interrupted them. "Duo's trying to talk to me." His brow wrinkled in concentration. "Huh. Well, you'll find out soon if the beacons work. He says Roku and Pippin are going up to light the first one."

Far off in Minas Tirith, Gandalf, Pippin and Roku stood in an alley below a sheer stone wall. Heero, Duo and Wu-Fei stood at the end of the alley, radiating casual menace to keep people out.

Gandalf put his hands on his hips and looked up. "The beacon is almost straight up from here, but it's a long way." He looked down at Pippin and Roku. "There should be a flame burning nearby which you can use to light it. Don't fail."

"We won't!" Pippin said firmly.

Roku touched him on the shoulder. "You won't be able to talk as mouse."

"About that," Pippin swallowed. "I can just climb up. It's not that far."

"That would take all day. Let's get this done quickly." He touched Pippin on the nose and Pippin immediately shrank into the form of a tiny gray mouse. Roku grinned at Gandalf. "He's kind of cute like that."

Gandalf sniffed. "Flagrant waste of power, if you ask me."

"Shape-changing doesn't require much power," Roku shrugged. "It's hiding and restoring the clothes that takes effort." He shifted into the form of a giant barn owl and grabbed Pippin-mouse with one foot, carefully capturing him between the talons. Pippin squeaked, his little black nose twitching wildly. With a few powerful flaps, Roku lifted up into the air and floated away, his owl's wings making almost no noise.

Gandalf walked down the alley to the others. "If they succeed, alarms will be raised. But only time will tell if the Riders of Rohan can reach us before the forces of Mordor attack."

"What about the men in Osgiliath?" Heero asked.

"We'll be lucky if any of them return alive," Gandalf grated. "We must look to defend the city. That's all we can do."

High above their heads, Roku floated upward, letting the strong drafts close to the cliff carry him up. When they had climbed to the height of the beacon, he turned and flew toward it, swooping in to land on top of the log pile. Two men sitting by the only entrance onto the platform glanced in his direction, but quickly went back to whatever they were doing. Roku released Pippin and the young hobbit swelled back to his normal self.

Pippin's eyes were round with fear and his face was pale. He patted himself all over.

"What are you doing?" Roku hooted softly.

"Checking for injuries and missing parts!" Pippin whispered. "You have no idea how horrible that was! I was a mouse! I kept having mouse thoughts! I was sure you were going to eat me! I may never recover!"

"Don't be silly. A pint of ale will put you right. Anyway," Roku pointed with his wing, "isn't that the flame over there?"

A metal lamp hung on chains over the center of the log pile, which reeked of animal fat and oil. Pippin crawled carefully over the logs, staying low so the men wouldn't spot him, and tipped the lamp. Flaming oil spilled out and spattered onto the logs below. The logs immediately caught fire, snapping and sparking as the oil and fat began to burn. Pippin scrambled clear of the flames.

"I'd rather climb down!" the hobbit declared. He edged over the side and started down.

"Suit yourself," Roku murmured. He launched off the logs and floated away, turning so he could watch the beacon burst into full flame.

The two men supposedly guarding the beacon jumped to their feet in astonishment as the flames shot up.

Another man rushed through the door behind them. "What's going on? Why did you light the beacon?"

"We didn't!" one of the guards exclaimed. "It just caught fire! Maybe the wind blew the lamp over."

"What wind?" the first man shouted. He charged back through the door. "I'll inform the Steward!"

Down in the city, Gandalf and the others rushed to a vantage point where they could see the mountains to the north.

"There!" Gandalf pointed as a flickering shaft of fire appeared on a peak just visible in the distance. "The next beacon is lit! Now the message will be carried from peak to peak, all the way to Edoras!"

"Seems like these people could use the invention of the radio," Heero muttered to Wu-Fei.

"I don't know," Wu-Fei answered with a faint smile. "I find it all rather charming."

"Either way," Duo put in, "I told Trowa to be on the lookout for it."

"That takes all the fun out of it," Wu-Fei said. "The beauty of this system is its unexpectedness."

"Or the likelihood that it will work at all," Heero added. "Piles of wood on top of mountains? Who thinks of this shit?"

"You work with what you have," Wu-Fei said. "Cut them some slack."

Roku landed on the ground beside them and shifted into human form.

"Where's Pippin?" Gandalf asked suspiciously.

Roku rolled his eyes. "I didn't eat him, if that's what you're asking. He said he would rather climb down."

"Oh."

A palace guard ran up to them. "The Steward of Gondor demands your presence!"

Gandalf smirked. "Noticed the beacon, did he? Well, I'll come talk to him about it." He waved a hand at the others. "The rest of you keep watch on Osgiliath, I think the battle there will happen soon. Make sure those on duty at the gate are prepared to let the survivors in when they are forced to retreat." He stalked away, leading rather than following the guard.

"He could be a little more hopeful," Heero said.

"Want me to go check on the battle?" Roku said.

"No!" Duo said. "If Quatre finds out we let you do recon by yourself, he'll skin me."

"Besides," Wu-Fei said, "you'll just want to join the fight, and if it's bad as Gandalf says, you could get in trouble."

Roku scowled. "Nobody trusts me!" he grumbled. "How old were you guys when you attacked Earth the first time?"

"Well… uh…" the three exchanged guilty looks.

"We were teenagers, admittedly," Wu-Fei said, "but we had been trained as soldiers specifically for that mission. It was a different situation."

"You've been training me to fight since I was little."

"Well, yes, but…"

"I think you're all just scared of Mama."

"Well, who wouldn't be? He can get really, really pissed off!"

"Yeah, he looks all sweet and innocent and stuff," Duo added, "but then those big eyes get all focused and he starts staring at you and muttering and…" Duo wiped a hand across his brow. "It's scary just thinking about it!"

Roku shifted into a falcon. "I'll just do high altitude recon." And he zipped away before anyone could stop him.

"He's getting quite independent," Heero said approvingly. "It's time we started letting him make his own decisions anyway."

"You can say that because Quatre is seventeen beacons away," Duo said.

"What better time to start?"

Back in Edoras, Aragorn sat outside where he had a nice view of the mountains above the village. He had planned on sitting there alone, smoking his pipe and contemplating his life, but it didn't work out that way. Alexa was leaning against his side making a cat's cradle with a piece of string and Jett lay across his knees, slowly putting his legs to sleep.

"Explain to me again why I'm watching you and not one of your parents?"

"You drew the short straw."

"That does not seem like the best method for selecting a babysitter."

Alexa shrugged.

Jett sat up and pointed. "Look."

Aragorn followed the direction of her small finger and saw a glimmer on the mountainside, which quickly blossomed into a full-fledged pillar of flame. He scrambled to his feet. "The beacon! The beacons are lit! Come!" He caught the girls by the hand and started to sprint back to Meduseld. He scooped Jett up when her short legs couldn't keep up. Alexa, on the other hand, bounded along beside him like a deer. They charged into the hall and skidded to a stop. "The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!" Aragorn stared expectantly at Théoden.

Théoden chewed his lip for a moment and then nodded sharply. "And Rohan shall answer. Summon the Rohirrim! We ride to Gondor!"

Despite all his prior bluster to the contrary, it quickly became obvious that Théoden was excited by the prospect of another battle. He sent riders out to call in forces from all over Rohan. The numbers would likely be fewer than they should have been because of all the recent battles they'd fought, but he seemed not to have any qualms about emptying his kingdom of able-bodied men.

Trowa stuck his head into the room where Quatre was holed up. "Say, Quatre, we're going to be moving to a staging area somewhere west of here. Do you want to ride with me?"

"I'm not speaking to you," Quatre said stiffly."You were mean to me."

"Oh, come on, that was this morning! It's time to go to work now."

Quatre stood up. "Of course I intend to do my part in the upcoming battle." He marched past Trowa and down the hall. "But I will do it without speaking to a heartless bastard like you!"

Trowa sighed. "He's a lot madder than I thought."

"I thought you were going to make up with him," Zechs said, coming up behind Trowa.

"I was," Trowa said. "I even cheated when we drew straws so I wouldn't have to watch the girls, but Quatre's been avoiding me."

"Too bad. There may not be time for a prolonged apology now. You aren't the type who gets reckless when he's frustrated, are you?"

Trowa gave him a look. "I am never reckless."

"Oh, that's good, because you may not get laid for days now. One of the riders told me that once we start the push to Gondor, we'll basically be in the saddle for three days."

Trowa groaned. "It's not that I need to get laid. I just don't like it when he's mad at me."

Zechs grinned. "That's cute."

"That's not funny."

"Anyway, I'm sure he'll get over it once we get to Minas Tirith and he sees that Roku is all right." Zechs put a comforting hand on Trowa's shoulder. "I'm sure Roku will tell him not to blame you."

"That's a long time."

"Five or six days, tops. Be strong."

Trowa sighed. "It's really hard being wrapped around someone's finger like this."

"I wouldn't know," Zechs said with a beautiful smile, "but it can be fun being on the other end."

"I feel for Treize."

"He loves it," Zechs chuckled. "He enjoys making up with me."

"After you've tormented him?"

"A little torment sweetens the relationship."

Trowa scrubbed his face with both hands. "Are all blonds this high-maintenance?"

Zechs blinked innocently. "Only the cute ones with blue eyes."


	3. The Stupidest Staging Area

Chapter 3: **The Stupidest Staging Area in Middle Earth**

"This looks like a lot of men," Treize remarked as they rode into the encampment of horsemen. Hundreds of white tents dotted the plain at the foot of a towering cliff. Thousands of horses were picketed in long lines under the trees.

"We will see better from the command camp on the cliff," Théoden said. He pointed up.

Treize looked. A slender scar of a trail wound up the cliff face in sharp switchbacks, climbing to a dark shelf where a few tents could be seen. He blinked. "Your command camp is up there?"

"It affords a good view of the forces," Théoden said matter-of-factly.

"A four meter tower would afford you a good view of the forces," Treize responded.

Théoden appeared not to hear. He led the way to the trail and started up.

Seated in back of Zechs, Alexa leaned way out to look down. "This is cool! Look how high up we are!"

"Could you not do that?" Zechs grumbled. "This stupid horse likes walking along the edge enough as it is."

"Sorry."

At the top, the shelf turned out to be quite deep, forming a long canyon populated with spindly pine trees and narrowing to a dark crack at the back.

Treize looked around with lifted eyebrows. "I'm still not sure I see the value of putting the command camp way up here. The view is certainly spectacular, but I could see everything I needed to after the first switchback."

Théoden frowned. "The King of Rohan has overseen his forces from this vantage point for centuries. The value is unquestionable."

"Ah," Treize murmured. "Tradition. Never mind." He wandered off.

"Treize has a point," Quatre said. "What's the point of lugging a smithy all the way up here?"

"It's not really a smithy," Eomer said. "It's just a sharpening wheel and a few other things."

"What, like an anvil and a bellows and a coal-fired oven?"

"Yes, just a few other items for keeping weapons in repair."

"And this is different from a smithy how?"

"Well, a full smithy would have iron and ore for new weapons."

"Oh." Quatre crossed his arms. "I think you're just fooling yourselves. Anyway, now that we're up here, what's the plan?"

"When all the other commanders have reported in," Eomer said, "we will ride out."

"That's it? No discussion of battle plans or anything?"

Eomer shrugged. "What's the point? We're cavalry. And we'll probably be outnumbered. Our battle plan will be: gallop at them full-speed, hit them with our pikes, and then break up into skirmishes with swords."

"Under the circumstances, that probably does make the most sense," Trowa said from nearby.

Quatre stuck his nose in the air. "I wasn't asking you!" He stomped off.

"Still mad at you, eh?" Eomer remarked.

Trowa sighed. "He'll get over it eventually." He gestured toward the back of the canyon. "But can you tell me what's back there? Gimli and Legolas are both spooked and you don't even want to know what the horses are saying."

"Ah." Eomer rubbed the top of his head. "That is the entrance to the Dimholt Road. It is an evil place, for it leads to the Paths of the Dead. No living man has ever returned from there."

"Uh..." Trowa blinked once. "You realize that makes using this place as a staging area even more idiotic."

"It is several hours walk to the entrance of the cave!" Eomer said defensively. "Ghosts are not going to spring up under our feet."

"Yet, from several hours away, they're close enough for the horses to tell me they think something wants to rip our hearts from our chests."

Eomer's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Oh. I wasn't going to mention that. Sorry."

Eomer swallowed and eyed the back of the canyon. "Excuse me. I have some duties to attend to." He strode away briskly, casting occasional glances toward the back of the canyon.

Zechs walked up with Jett in his arms. "Take this." He deposited the little girl into Trowa's arms.

"What's up?"

"I was just looking over the edge," Jett said defensively.

"And about to accept a dare from this young lady," Zechs pulled Alexa around from where she was skulking behind him, "to disrupt the encampment below."

"I just thought she'd get a really good echo from up here," Alexa said.

"I do not think a stampede would help our cause right now," Zechs replied sternly.

"It's boring up here," Alexa complained.

"You could go to the mouth of the canyon and look for ghosts," Trowa said. "The horses assure me there is something unrelentingly evil back there."

"Really?" Both girls immediately perked up.

Jett squirmed out of Trowa's arms. "Race you!" She took off at a dead run, without much regard for the horses and men who were in her path.

"Wait up!" Alexa raced off after her.

"Don't wander off!" Trowa shouted after them. "Dinner's in an hour!"

"Is the canyon really haunted?" Zechs asked.

"Eomer said there's a road back there that leads to some place called the Paths of the Dead and that no living man has ever returned from there."

"Sounds interesting," Zechs said, although he didn't sound all that interested. "I'm going to look for Treize."

"Yeah, sure, go snog when I've got nothing," Trowa muttered, but Zechs was already out of earshot.

Eowyn approached looking forlorn. "These are hard times for the women of Rohan," she said to Trowa. "The men leave and we never know who will come back. We have no choice but to wait."

"That's tough."

"Indeed." Eowyn sighed. "I would have prepared a last meal for you, but my uncle said I should let the other women do it."

"Well, you are a princess," Trowa said.

"I should carry more of the burden on my shoulders!" Eowyn exclaimed. "I can fight as well as any man."

"I imagine so, but you should still defer to your uncle. He is the king, after all."

"Yes, of course," Eowyn said, clasping her hands together.

Trowa studied her face. "Are you planning to do something foolish, Eowyn?"

Eowyn started. "Me? No! Of course not! Excuse me, I told Merry I would help him find armor that fits." She scurried away.

Trowa shook his head. "She's planning to do something foolish."

As the sun set, a meal that consisted mainly of roasted meat was prepared. There was not the usual joking and lewd remarks that normally accompanied a meal among the Rohirrim, as everyone was somber thinking about what lay ahead. At length, everyone but those on watch retired for the night. Trowa had elected to take a watch, since he wasn't getting any. Therefore, he saw a cloaked figure arrive quite late and go into Théoden's tent. Shortly thereafter, Aragorn was summoned and went to Théoden's tent.

Trowa went to the tent Treize and Zechs were sharing. "Hey, can you guys stop banging for a second? For some reason, Elrond is here. I just talked to his horse. He says Elrond brought Aragorn a sword."

There was some muffled movement and a few moans. Then Treize stuck his head out. "You're sure it's Elrond?"

"Yeah."

"That's weird." Treize came out of the tent.

"I'm going to sleep!" Zechs called after him.

"I'll be right back!"

Trowa and Treize went around to where the horses were picketed. Aragorn was there, being confronted by Legolas and Gimli.

"I need to go!" Aragorn was saying. "Elrond says I must go to Gondor via the Paths of the Dead."

"Then we're going with you," Legolas said matter-of-factly. "Our fellowship has shrunk enough. I will let it shrink no further."

"Aye, the same goes for me!" Gimli added gruffly.

"Why do you need to go that way?" Treize asked. "What's to be gained?"

"The ghosts there owe me a debt," Aragorn growled. "I mean to collect it."

"I see." Treize exchanged a look with Trowa. "I think I had better go with you. I've had some experience with the dead. Give me a moment." He dashed back to his tent. "Zechs, Aragorn and the others are taking off. Aragorn has a side quest, apparently. I'm going to go with him. You don't mind, do you?"

Zechs glared at him. "Mind? Why would I mind? But you better not let yourself get killed again. That was extremely upsetting, you know."

"Never, my love!" Treize kissed him soundly. "I have no intention of leaving you again. We'll meet in Minas Tirith. I promise."

"I'm holding you to that."

"I am a man of my word." Treize quickly gathered up his things and hurried back to where the others were waiting. Trowa had saddled his horse in his absence. "Thank you, Trowa." He swung up onto the animal's back and the four of them set out, trotting steadfastly into the spooky darkness of the canyon mouth.

Trowa walked back to the tent he should have been sharing with Quatre and stopped outside. "Say, Quatre? I thought you might want to know that Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Treize have left on a mission."

"What for?"

"I don't know. Something about collecting a debt from a ghost."

"Thank you for letting me know, but I'm still mad at you."

Trowa sighed. "I stand by my decision. Roku will be fine."

"I'm glad you feel that way, because while you're standing by your decision, you're not lying beside me!"

"Why is everybody talking?" Jett whined sleepily from inside the tent. "We're supposed to be sleeping."

"Sorry, sweetheart," Quatre said. "It's just Papa Trowa making noise."

"Well, tell him to stop."

"Stop making noise, Trowa."

Trowa hung his head. "Right. Good night, everyone."

"Good night, Uncle Trowa," Alexa answered, also from inside the tent.

Trowa wandered away. "It's going to be a long night."

In the morning, Eowyn was stunned to learn that Aragorn had left. "But why? We need him now more than ever!"

"Aragorn has his own battles to fight," Théoden said. "This change will not affect what we have planned to do. Niece, I want you to govern our people in my absence. You are well loved and they will follow you."

Eowyn did not look happy about this, but she acquiesced with only token protest. Trowa found this highly suspicious. Merry, on the other hand, protested vigorously when he was told he would be left behind.

"All my friends have gone to fight!" Merry exclaimed. "I don't want to be the only one left out!"

"Nevertheless," Théoden replied. "You must stay here with Eowyn." The king would not listen to Merry's protests and the unfortunate hobbit was left standing forlornly in the midst of the horses and men as they prepared to depart. But then, as the forces began to move out, filing down the steep trail to the plain below, one horseman snatched Merry up by his collar and plopped the hobbit in front of him.

"You can ride with me," Eowyn whispered into his ear.

Trowa watched all this in silence from the back of his horse. Beside him, Zechs sat with Alexa in front of him, with Quatre on his other side holding Jett in front of him.

"Shouldn't we tell the king Eowyn and Merry are disobeying him?" Alexa asked.

Zechs shrugged. "Why? I rather like their initiative. Let's go." He nudged his horse into the line of riders making their way down the trail and the others followed him.

Once out in the plain, the assembled forces formed into a loosely organized column and broke into a gallop.

Far away, skirting the edge of the dry, dusty plains of Mordor, where stunted plants and dry beds of stone spoke of where water had once flowed through fertile lands, Frodo, Sam and Hadeya looked without success for a way out into the plains that did not require them to pass through the massed forces of thousands upon thousands of orcs.

"It's no use!" Frodo exclaimed tiredly. "There are orcs everywhere! There's no way to get across!" In plain sight in the middle of the desert was their destination; the smoldering tower of the volcano, black smoke billowing from its glowing peak.

Hadeya scratched his head. "I admit it might be difficult to get across unseen. But it would take a lot less time if we could use the road. It goes the direction we need for quite a while."

"But there are orcs all over the road!" Sam exclaimed. He pointed. "Look! Here comes another big group of them."

Hadeya studied the approaching orcs from their vantage point above the road behind some boulders. "Yes, that is quite a large group. They're very mixed, too. I see soldiers of all different sizes and shapes." He glanced at the two hobbits. "Some of them are as small as you."

Sam frowned suspiciously. "What are you saying?"

"I think," Hadeya said, "that we should infiltrate these orcs. Then we can take the road."

"Have you lost your mind?" Sam exclaimed. "Those orcs would eat us alive!"

"Not if they think we're orcs, too." Hadeya examined his companions critically. "You're a little too clean, though." He scraped his fingers through the dusty soil. "This is too dry, but I don't want to waste any of our water. Keep an eye on those orcs for a second."

"Why?" Sam peeked over the boulders at the orcs.

"They're passing by too far away to hear us," Frodo added, also watching the orcs.

"Ok, come here," Hadeya said. "Take your helmets off and push your sleeves up."

"What for?" Sam asked as the hobbits complied with his instructions.

"Like I said, you're too clean." Hadeya began smearing mud on their faces and hands.

"Where did you get mud?" Frodo asked curiously. He sniffed his hand. "It smells kind of odd."

"Never mind," Hadeya said. He smeared his own face and hands. "The smell will cover our scent and the mud will make our skin look rougher. We shouldn't be recognizable as not being orcs." He put his helmet on. "Let's go."

"What are you planning to do?" Sam asked fearfully.

"Join up," Hadeya said. He led the way out from behind the boulders. The column of orcs had passed by, the rear of the line being kept moving by whip-wielding sergeants. The three of them made their way down to the road and then Hadeya gripped the hobbits firmly by the shoulder, shoving them roughly ahead of him. "Hold up! I've caught some stragglers!"

Two of the sergeants looked back.

Hadeya shoved Sam sharply so that he stumbled. "These fools thought they could sneak away."

One of the sergeants jogged back to meet them, his whip at the ready. "Is that so? Well, we know how to deal with that sort!" His whip flicked out and caught Sam on the legs.

"Ouch!" Sam yelped. He jumped forward.

"Move along! Get with the others!" The sergeant flicked his lash at Frodo.

"Yes, sir!" the hobbits squealed and they raced to catch up with the rest of the soldiers.

"Good job," the sergeant growled at Hadeya. "If these deserters had their way, we'd have no forces left to put in the field for the Great Eye."

"That's the truth," Hadeya answered gruffly. He stumped along beside the orc to join the rear of the column.

"Here." A sergeant handed Hadeya a whip. "Keep 'em moving."

"Right." Hadeya flicked the whip experimentally a few times to get a feel for it and grinned. "I think I'm going to enjoy this part of the trip," he murmured to himself.

So while Hadeya learned to appreciate the visceral pleasure of using corporal punishment to encourage obedience, Heero, Duo and Wu-Fei stood on the walls of Minas Tirith debating the relative value of catapults versus trebuchets as siege engines.

"The trebuchet gives you good distance with very large projectiles," Wu-Fei was saying. "Plus, your potential energy is all in the dropping weight. You don't have to wind anything."

"That's a good point," Duo said.

"But either one can fail," Heero said. "Your coiled rope can split on the catapult or your lever arm can break on the trebuchet."

"Also a good point," Duo conceded. "So if you had to choose, which way would you go?"

"That's tough." Heero rubbed his chin. "I think I lean toward the trebuchet. You can throw bigger objects with a machine that has a smaller footprint."

Wu-Fei nodded. "I agree."

Pippin raced up to them wearing his new uniform, a white tree embroidered on a black tabard. "Gandalf sent me to find you! The battle at Osgiliath was a disaster! There were almost no survivors!"

"Shit!" Heero exclaimed. "Gandalf called that one. Where is he?"

"At the main gate. The orcs are crossing the river. We'll be under siege by morning. But there's bad news!" Pippin added quickly when the three started to leave. "Denethor's son Faramir was gravely injured! They've taken him to the citadel."

Heero shrugged. "Tell Roku. He can fix him."

"But Denethor isn't handling it well! I'm worried about what he might do."

"Then keep an eye on him!" Heero took off with Wu-Fei.

Duo clapped a hand on Pippin's shoulder. "I'll go with you. If Denethor loses it, I can handle him."

"Thank you!" The two of them ran back up to the citadel. "What about Roku?" Pippin gasped as they raced along.

"I called him," Duo answered. "He's on his way."

They pounded up the ramp and into the wide courtyard. As they dashed up to the palace doors, Roku swooped down, shimmering from a falcon into a tiger while he was still in the air.

"I thought something was wrong with Denethor," Roku said. "He doesn't smell right in the head."

"How can someone not smell right in the head?" Pippin asked curiously.

"His chemical balance is messed up. I don't think he sleeps."

"I'd have to agree with that," Duo said. "His mind is a mess. It's so jumbled up with knowledge it's hard to tell what he's actually thinking about."

The three of them rounded a corner and found Denethor standing in the hall outside Faramir's room issuing quiet orders to a handful of guards. He turned a scowl on them when they trotted up. "You are not needed here!" he said harshly. "I have lost all my sons! I need no companionship in my grief."

"We told you Boromir is not dead!" Duo snapped.

"And neither is Faramir," Roku added. "I would smell it if he was dead. And anyway, I can hear him breathing."

"You know nothing!" Denethor cried. "You have deceived me from the moment you arrived and now everything is lost! Leave me in peace!" He turned to the guards. "Let none enter here! I want to be alone with my son!" He banged through the door into Faramir's room and the guards moved together, standing shoulder to shoulder in front of the door. They glowered at Duo, Roku and Pippin.

"What should we do?" Pippin whispered anxiously.

"Nothing for now," Duo said, "but I want you to keep an eye on things here. If Denethor leaves, come and get me. Or at least start thinking at me really hard. I'll hear you."

"All right."

Duo patted Roku on the head. "Let's go down to the main gate. I think this siege is going to be a whole lot worse than what we went through at Helm's Deep."

"That's good," Roku replied absently. "Maybe we won't have to listen to Papa Heero and Papa Wu-Fei complaining about not having enough enemies to kill."


	4. The Siege Begins

Chapter 4: **The Siege Begins**

"This has got to be the most depressing valley I have ever seen," Treize remarked as he, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli led their horses through the narrow, stony canyon. "I can well believe only the dead live here, because anyone living would have long since left or slit their wrists in despair."

"Those who lived here are betrayers," Aragorn said darkly. "They will find no peace until they repay their debt to me."

Treize lifted an eyebrow. "You're usually not so gloomy, Aragorn."

"Faithfulness in honor is the one thing to which all men should cling," Aragorn replied sternly. "Your given word is a sacred oath."

"I would agree with you were I not a nobleman and a politician," Treize said. "In the upper classes and the halls of power, a man like you would not last a day." He patted Aragorn's shoulder. "You're going to have advisors when you become king, right?"

Aragorn scowled. "I shall rule my kingdom with justice and honor."

"Ah, I see. I hope that works out for you."

The four of them continued up the valley. It grew increasingly narrow as they progressed, until finally it ended in a dank box canyon. The dark gap of a cave mouth punctuated the end of the canyon. A cold, dusty breeze gusted out of the cave, carrying with it scents that would have been better left in the cave.

"Here we shall find the shades of the oathbreakers," Aragorn said gravely. "This is a terrible place and I will not ask you to enter after me." With that, he plunged into the cave, dragging his very unhappy horse behind him. Legolas followed him without a word.

Gimli shifted his feet unhappily. "We dwarves do not fear the dark, or the dankness of places far underground, but we have no love at all for the shades of the dead. No good ever comes of disturbing them."

Treize smiled. "I can't say I agree with you. Had Roku not disturbed my shade, I would not be alive right now. Let's go." He led his horse into the cave and Gimli hurried in after him.

Aragorn had brought torches, so they were able to follow the path, such as it was, as it wound through the cave. Bringing up the rear, Gimli stumbled along muttering to himself. Eventually, the path widened into a larger road and they were able to walk abreast, which made Gimli feel better since he pushed up in between Legolas and Aragorn. But the darkness through which they walked seemed to have a life of its own, because the light from their torches refused to extend far beyond them, so the walls of the cave could not be seen.

"How big is this place?" Gimli finally exclaimed. He flinched when his voice echoed back from a great distance.

"We have entered a great cavern," Aragorn said. "This is the final resting place of those who are indebted to me. They are all around us now."

"Was it really necessary to point that out?" Gimli muttered. "The whispering and the feathery touches were quite bad enough."

"They look more miserable than dangerous, if you ask me," Treize said casually.

"You can see them?" Gimli whispered.

"Yes," Treize shrugged. "I suppose having died once I have something of an affinity for them. But honestly, I don't think they can even see the rest of us. They're all just staring at Aragorn."

"As well they should," Aragorn said in a deep, commanding voice. "For in me alone shall they find their salvation." He raised his sword. "I charge you oathbreakers who would be free, follow me into battle! I am Elessar, Isildur's heir! When you have fought beside me, I shall hold your oaths fulfilled!" With that, Aragorn marched forward briskly and the others had to hurry to keep up with him. The ringing of their horses shod hooves on the rocky path was muffled by the susurrus of thousands of voices whispering.

"The dead follow us," Legolas whispered. "We have become a mighty host."

"And with it we shall crush the servants of Sauron when they least expect it," Aragorn declared.

The road they followed narrowed again and they pushed forward as fast as they dared. The weight of the dead pushing at their backs had them all feeling a little uncomfortable. But at last they exited from the cave into a knife slit of a canyon that led steeply down to the foot of the mountains. Far below them, grassy slopes dotted with fields and farmhouses rolled down to a wide, slow-moving river.

Aragorn pointed at the river. "This is where our battle will begin," he said. "Do you see the smoke far to the south? Pirates already lay waste to the southern regions. We shall not let them come any farther north." He swung up onto the back of his horse and set off down the canyon at what was probably an inadvisably fast pace.

Legolas looked back. "I see the shadows of men and horses issuing forth behind us."

"I wonder if they will kill with swords or with fear," Gimli said. "I am ready to drop from fear myself just from being so near to them."

"Don't worry about it, Gimli," Treize said. Being a gentleman, he was bringing up the rear. "I really am quite sure they can't see you." He grinned. "But I suspect they will be able to see anything Aragorn points them at very well. This ought to be quite exciting."

Night had fallen by the time they rode out of the canyon into settled pastures, but they saw very few people. As they galloped through the fields, anyone who was still outside threw one terrified look in their direction and plunged inside, bolting doors and shudders desperately.

Aragorn finally called a halt to rest the horses, but even those winded animals didn't seem all that happy about it. They swished their tails nervously and huffed air through their noses loudly. Although the sky above them was clear and glittered coldly with a wash of stars, all around them they were hemmed in by impenetrable darkness.

"There is no chance any of us shall sleep tonight, Aragorn," Gimli said. "We may as well go on."

"Aaarraagoorrnn!"

"Ah!" Gimli cried. "What was that ghostly voice?"

"Aarraagoorrnn!" The cry came again, faint and haunting. "Wait up!"

"Wait?" Gimli shouted. "Wait for what? Our deaths?"

"No! For us!" Now they could all hear the sound of horses' hooves pounding along the road they had just traversed. A moment later, as if appearing out of a black fog, two riders came into view, tightly wrapped in dark cloaks, their faces muffled with scarves.

"What evil minions of Sauron are these?" Gimli exclaimed. He reached for his axe.

"We are hardly minions of Sauron!" a rather musical male voice answered with a chuckle. The two riders neared them and pulled down their scarves. "We are the sons of Elrond; Elladan and Elrohir." The second rider, who had not spoken, bowed from the saddle at the introduction. "We owe you an apology, Aragorn. Our father wanted us to join you but we were late in receiving his word. So we hurried to catch up with you."

"And we wish we had reached you ere you entered the caves," the second elf said, "for we have ridden all this way with the dead pressing in all around us and it was most unpleasant."

Aragorn smiled. "Nevertheless, it is good to see you, for you are as kinsman to me and your faces are a most happy sight." The two elves returned his smile. Aragorn turned to the others. "Behold the twin sons of mighty Elrond. You will not find better fighters in all of Rivendell and we are fortunate to have them beside us." His expression darkened. "It is my intention to cleanse all these southern lands of the stain of Sauron, so that none may come from here to aid his forces in the north. This is how we shall help our brethren in Gondor to withstand the battle that is to come."

"Are you sure these shades will help?" Elladan asked. He gestured at the deeper darkness all around them.

"It is their only path to eternal peace," Aragorn said. "When these lands are cleansed, their oaths to Gondor will be fulfilled and they may pass beyond to their final rest."

A loud sigh like a whisper of wind blew over them.

Treize nodded. "I think we have an agreement. I see determination on the faces of those watching us."

Gimli stared suspiciously. "I thought you said they couldn't see us! Just Aragorn!"

"Well, there's seeing and then there's seeing," Treize replied. "I think they're aware of all of us. I just think Aragorn is the only one they can actually see. This should prove quite interesting when the battles begin. I think terror rather than swords really might be their weapon of choice."

"Let's go," Aragorn said abruptly. "We have a lot of ground yet to cover."

As the six of them galloped south, followed by a rising tide of ghosts, the men of Minas Tirith prepared for a siege. The orcs had constructed dozens of sturdy new bridges over the river and were moving soldiers and siege engines toward the city in orderly groups. Giant ogres pulled and pushed massive catapults and assault towers into place, while neat squares of orc soldiers formed ranks all across the plain. The Nazgul sat on the broken battlements of Osgiliath and oversaw everything, their horrible screeches periodically shattering the air.

Watching with pursed lips from the lowest wall of Minas Tirith, Gandalf slowly nodded. "They mean to break us with one blow if they can," he said. "They know we do not have enough men left to send anyone out to face them."

"We would if that fool Denethor hadn't wasted all those men defending a defenseless city!" Heero snapped.

Gandalf waved an irritated hand. "But it was done, so now we must fight with what we have."

"Who's that?" Wu-Fei pointed at a rider galloping desperately along the base of the cliff toward the city. Orc soldiers were firing arrows at him, but he was too far from their lines to be hit.

Duo closed his eyes for a moment and concentrated. "It's Boromir!"

"Open the gate!" Gandalf immediately shouted. "Admit that rider!"

Men rushed to open the small door in the gate and Boromir galloped through, pulling to a halt so sharply when he was inside that his horse skidded on the flagstones. He flung back the hood of his cloak to loud cheers, and men crowded forward eagerly. "Boromir! Boromir!" they chanted.

Gandalf hurried down from the wall. "Well met, Boromir. Your return is well-timed."

"Gandalf!" Boromir exclaimed with a broad smile. "How is it that you are not dead?"

"It's a long tale for another time," Gandalf replied. "Your return is well timed."

"When I heard that Osgiliath had fallen," Boromir said, "I knew it was time for me to return. Where is my brother?"

"Alas, Faramir was gravely wounded in that same battle. Your father is tending him in the castle."

"My father?" Boromir frowned. "My father never had any love for my brother. Why would he tend him now?"

"Your father is not the man he once was," Gandalf said. "These times have tried him greatly."

"I should go to him."

"Not now," Gandalf said. "We have need of you here to rally the men. We are faced with a battle that many fear we cannot win. But if our hearts quail, we will surely fall. But these men love you dearly and will fight hard for you. If they see your confidence, it will strengthen them."

Boromir made a face. "Very well, Gandalf. I will defer to your wisdom for now. But I want to know that my brother is all right."

"He's well enough," Duo said. "He's still unconscious. But Pippin's there. He'll tell us if there's any change."

"Pippin?" Boromir exclaimed. "Then the little ones are all right? The Uruk-Hai didn't kill them?"

"There's another long story there which I'm sure Pippin will be glad to tell you one day," Duo said, "but for now, we should focus on the problem at hand."

"True enough," Boromir sighed. He swung down from his horse. "Let's go up on the battlements. I did not have a good view of their forces racing along dodging arrows."

So everyone went back up.

"We will certainly have our hands full," Boromir said. Then he grinned fiercely. "But it's nothing I can't handle! I was sorely tried by the Ring of the enemy, but I have come through it. Now I am ready to heap my revenge on his foul forces!" Around him, soldiers began to straighten up. "Not one life will I concede while any orc still draws breath! Who is with me?"

Soldiers stuck their weapons in the air and shouted in response.

"I am!"

"Me!"

"He certainly is a good speaker," Wu-Fei remarked.

Heero nodded. "Men fight better with a leader. Things are definitely looking up."

It took the orcs all of one day and one night to set up their siege. The morning after Boromir's arrival, dawn broke over the forces of the orcs, the sunlight glinting off countless spear tips and casting long shadows from the siege towers. As watery light filled the plains, the sound of a winch being turned creaked loudly.

"And so it begins," Gandalf said gravely.

The crack of a catapult releasing announced the official start of the siege. A massive boulder smacked into the wall, cracking the stones and sending shudders that tossed men off their feet.

"Release!" Boromir screamed. Horns sounded and half a dozen trebuchets whipped their heavy burden of stone through the air, hurling chunks of masonry onto the army below.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Heero exclaimed delightedly. "Enemies squished flat by impossibly big projectiles! You can't not like that!"

Beside him, Wu-Fei giggled gleefully. "Do it again!"

"Bowmen!" Boromir cried. The snap of a thousand bows sent a flight of arrows into the sky that momentarily cast a shadow as it arced over the wall and dropped onto the orcs below. The orcs responded with a flight of their own and the men of Gondor ducked down behind the battlements. Boromir grinned savagely. "Collect the arrows! Send any that can be reused back to their masters!"

"Aye!"

Gandalf nodded approvingly. "Boromir is a good commander," he said. "With his leadership, we may even last the night."

"You could be a tad more encouraging, Gandalf," Duo said. "Oh, crap!" He pressed a hand to his forehead, squinting in concentration. "That's not good!"

"What is it?" Heero demanded.

"They've got a battering ram. They're moving it across the bridge now."

"How can you see that?" exclaimed a nearby soldier, his eyes round with fear.

"I can't," Duo replied. "But there are enough orcs thinking about it that I managed to pull a coherent thought out of it. The thing is huge. It will take them all day to move it to the gate. We might want to focus on keeping it away."

"Right!" Heero nodded sharply. "I'll tell Boromir." He hurried off.

"What happens if they get through the main gate?" Wu-Fei asked.

"There are two gates blocking access to each level of the city," Gandalf replied. "If we are forced to fall back, we can defend each level as if it were another wall."

"Smart design. However," Wu-Fei pointed up. "The Nazgul will not be impeded by the gates."

As he spoke, the giant leathery-winged reptiles were circling above the city. Even as they watched, one of them swooped down and grabbed one of the trebuchets with a clawed foot, snapping the throwing arm and splintering the supports.

"I'll take care of it!" Roku said. He ran to the battements and jumped into the air, shimmering into an orange and black dragon. His wings snapped out and he climbed up into the air rapidly, where he proceeded to chase the Nazgul away from the city, shooting bright orange flame at them.

"He's having way too much fun," Duo said.

"I wish I had my Gundam," Wu-Fei said, a little morosely. "I could be out there, wreaking havoc among the enemy."

"Yeah," Duo agreed wistfully. "That would be pretty cool. I guess we'll just have to wait until they breach the walls and then fight them the old-fashioned way."

Wu-Fei nodded. "Oh, look out." He put an arm out to push Duo back and stepped aside just as a large boulder bashed through the battlements and crashed into the building behind them. "That was close."

"Indeed."

Heero came bounding back. "They're moving the siege towers forward. Looks like they're ready to start something."

"Already?" Wu-Fei peeked over the battlements. "But their battering ram is nowhere in sight."

"Yeah, but if they keep us busy repelling breaches, we won't be able to stop them from moving the ram up to the gate."

"Ah, of course." Wu-Fei gestured at the gaping hole in the top of the wall beside them. "And they've dialed in their catapults pretty well in terms of keeping us from being able to stand here and shoot at them, too."

"But they'll have to stop throwing rocks at us when the siege towers get close," Duo pointed out.

"Also true." Heero grinned. "This is fun!"

"You bet!"

The first of the orcs' siege towers reached the wall late in the afternoon. The men of Gondor promptly set it on fire with flaming arrows and sacks of oil thrown from the battlements, but many of the orcs inside still managed to scramble out and leap onto the wall. Swords were drawn and the fighting turned hand-to-hand. After that, more and more towers reached the walls and by the time night fell, orcs were everywhere.

"You called this one!" Duo shouted at Heero as he skewered a fat orc with bulging yellow eyes. "The battering ram is practically at the gate!"

"I kind of like the design," Wu-Fei said, neatly decapitating a bandy-legged orc with long arms. "It's practical, but aesthetically pleasing."

"I think it's supposed to inspire fear," Duo chuckled.

"Oh, it's definitely scary, but it's pleasing, too."

A shattering boom sent tremors through the stones under their feet.

"And effective," Heero added. "I bet it will knock the gates down in ten blows."

"I say eight," Wu-Fei spoke up quickly.

"Twelve," Duo said with a grin. "I've checked the gate construction. I think it can take a lot of abuse."

"What does the winner get?" Wu-Fei twirled gracefully on one foot so he could gut three orcs in succession. "It better be more than sex. I get that all the time."

"Really good sex?" Duo suggested with a grin.

"Try again."

"How about an hour of full-contact martial arts training every day for a week?"

Heero's eyes lit up. "I'll take that bet. I'll win even if I lose."

Wu-Fei frowned. "Who fights whom?"

"Whoever guessed the closest wins. Whoever is the most wrong loses. The other gets to be referee."

"Sounds fair."

There was another shattering boom.

"That's two!" Duo said cheerfully.

Roku padded up, his face, paws and chest completely drenched in orc blood. "Do you want me to do something about that battering ram?"

"No, we have a bet on it."

Roku blinked. "Wouldn't it be better if they didn't break through the gates?"

"Well, yeah, but it's going to happen eventually anyway, so why waste the gambling opportunity?"

Roku shook his head. "I just hope you bet something other than money or sex. You have enough of both."

Duo chuckled. "Can you really have enough of either of those?" He slashed through an orc's neck and then quickly leaped aside to avoid getting splashed with blood. "Oh, shit!" He whirled to stare up toward the citadel.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Pippin! That fool Denethor has decided Faramir is dead and he's going to burn him in a pyre!" He broke into a run. "Get Boromir!"

"Right!"

Roku galloped down to the main gate, where Boromir was directing soldiers to shore it up with timbers and blocks of stone. "Boromir! Faramir needs you!"

Boromir jerked around, the look of fierce determination on his face turning to desperate fear. "What's happened?"

"Your father's lost his mind! Faramir's life is in danger!"

"Faramir!" Boromir cried. He started to run toward the main road up into the city.

"That will take too long!" Roku said. He shifted into dragon form, grabbed Boromir, being careful not to slash him with his claws, and leaped into the air.

"Ah!" Boromir cried.

"Hang on!" Roku said. "We'll get there faster this way." With powerful strokes of his wings, Roku climbed rapidly up the face of the city, rising up over the vast courtyard in front of the palace and swooping in for a landing. He dropped Boromir before he hit the ground and the skilled soldier landed on his feet running. Roku shifted into tiger form as he hit the ground and the two of them raced toward the palace.

"This way!" Pippin shouted. He was standing at the top of a ramp leading down from the courtyard toward a lower level of the citadel.

"That's the way to the tombs of our ancestors!" Boromir shouted. His long legs stretched out even more, pounding over the stones. Roku had no trouble keeping up with him, but even with his little legs churning in a blur, Pippin had no hope of matching his pace. He quickly fell behind.

Duo caught up with him as he rounded the final corner to the door to the catacombs. "Your thoughts are a mess, Pippin! Focus, man!"

"Denethor said Faramir was dead!" Pippin gasped out. "But when they brought him out of his room on a litter, I could see him breathing! Denethor wouldn't listen to me! He threw me out and locked the door!"

At the end of the hall, Boromir was pounding on the wide doors screaming Faramir's name.

"Get out of the way!" Roku commanded. He smacked Boromir aside with one big paw and then reared up on his hind legs, smacking his front paws on the doors. "_Efractum!_" The doors exploded inward and Boromir immediately rushed in.

Beyond the doors was a circular space with a stone bier in the center, surrounded by carved brass candleholders the height of a man. The top of the bier was heaped with wood and kindling that reeked of oil, and Faramir lay on top, his limbs dangling limply and his face pale. Denethor stood over him holding a pewter pitcher filled with oil, which he upended over his head as they watched.

"I have lost everything!" Denethor cried. "My sons! My city! My duty! It is all gone! There is nothing left to live for!"

"You're insane!" Boromir screamed. "You have lost nothing but your mind, you fool!" He dashed forward and knocked Denethor off the bier. "How dare you risk my brother's life! He is more precious to me than anything!" Boromir snatched Faramir off the pyre and clutched his brother to his chest.

"Who are you?" Denethor squinted at Boromir. "My sons are all dead! You are not my son!"

"Those are words you have flung at Faramir often enough, when it was I who longed to hear them!" Boromir shouted. "We don't need you! Faramir and I only need each other!" Still holding Faramir close, Boromir ran away, skittering through the broken doors and disappearing from sight.

"I don't understand!" Denethor cried. He jumped to his feet to run after Boromir, but he knocked over one of the candles. It fell onto his robe which, being drenched in highly flammable oil, immediately burst into flame. "What?" Denethor stared at it dumbly for a second, giving the flame time to spread, which it did quickly. He blinked in astonishment as the flames flickered up his sides and set his graying hair alight. Then his expression turned from astonishment to horror and pain. "No!" He cried and ran out after Boromir.

"Well, that's unfortunate," Duo said.

"Shouldn't we help him?" Pippin cried. He took several steps toward the door.

"We could," Duo said, "but at this point he's probably suffered too much damage to survive with the current level of medical care available."

Roku made a face. "You know I could fix him."

"His body maybe," Duo shrugged, "but his mind is totally messed up and I think I know why. I think he's been looking in a Palantir. I can feel traces of the Dark Lord all over him. I think we're better off not getting involved in that."

The three of them hurried out of the catacombs just in time to see Denethor fall out of the city.

"That's probably not the best place to leave an opening," Duo noted.

"But at least it's not a defensive weakness like the drainage culvert in Helm's Deep," Roku said. "This is just a safety issue."

"True."

"Where do you suppose Boromir took Faramir?" Pippin asked.

"Back to his room," Duo said. "We should get him. He's needed down at the battle. You can tend to Faramir for now, Pippin."

"All right."

They went back to Faramir's room and found Boromir lying next to his brother, his arms still wrapped tight around the younger man's unconscious form.

"You need to get back to the front lines, Boromir," Duo said.

"But what if…" Boromir gasped in a weepy tone, "what if he dies?"

"He's not dying," Roku said. "He just needs to rest and recover. Go fight. I'll fix him and you can be naughty with him later."

Boromir stared, his face turning bright red.

Roku waved a paw. "Just go. If I'd known it was your brother I was smelling all over you back in Rivendell, we would have understood why you were so touchy."


	5. The Ride of the Rohirrim

Chapter 5: **The Ride of the Rohirrim**

BOOM!

"That's ten!" Heero exclaimed gleefully.

"But it didn't break," Duo pointed out. "So it's between you and me."

Wu-Fei glared suspiciously. "You better not have been affecting how hard those trolls are swinging that ram, Duo."

"You think I would try to influence the outcome?" Duo blinked innocently.

"Yes." Wu-Fei irritably skewered an orc that was trying to cut him in half. "Do you mind? I'm trying to have a conversation here."

"I have done nothing to influence the behavior of the enemy," Duo said, holding his left hand up solemnly while slicing through an orc's neck with the sword in his right. Another boom that rattled the foundations was accompanied by splintering sounds. "But it does seem like I'm going to win."

"This is so unfair!" Wu-Fei complained. "I wanted to get to beat Heero up every day for an hour."

"I don't think you're ready to fight Heero one-on-one," Duo said. "You've gotten soft. That's why I suggested the training."

"Soft?" Wu-Fei spluttered incoherently for several seconds, slicing, skewering and beheading his way through a half-dozen orcs before managing to get a sentence out. "I have not gotten soft!"

"I don't know," Duo said doubtfully. "The last time I was banging your ass, it felt mighty soft and smooth."

"That's because of the scales!"

Duo grinned. "They are kind of shimmery and pretty."

"My butt is not shimmery!"

"How would you know?"

Another massive boom was followed by a splintering crash and the flaming snout of the battering ram exploded through the gate, sending splinters of wood and metal flying in all directions.

"Gentlemen," Heero interrupted. "Perhaps you should focus on the fight. We appear to have just been breached."

"We're breached!" someone screamed in panic.

"See?"

"Twelve blows!" Duo crowed. "I win!" He waggled his sword at Wu-Fei. "It's you and me, buddy, just as soon as we wrap up this war."

"You're going to pay for that shimmery butt remark," Wu-Fei grumbled.

"It's kind of opalescent," Duo added helpfully.

"It is not!" Wu-Fei shot a stream of fire at the gate, setting it and an assortment of trolls, ogres and orcs on fire.

"Retreat!" Boromir cried. "Pull back to the next level!"

Boromir, Gandalf and the Gundam pilots fought the rearguard as the Gondor forces retreated through the city, climbing up the main road to the next tier. A long tunnel with heavy doors at either end guarded the route to the next level. As soon as the bulk of their forces were through the tunnel, Boromir sealed the first door.

"It should take them some time to break through this gate," he said, "and then they will be faced with the second gate and less room to maneuver." They hurried through the tunnel on the heels of the other soldiers and quickly closed and bolted the second door. Boromir heaved a sigh. "I hate conceding any level of the city," he said. "But if it buys time until Rohan can come to our aid, so be it."

Gandalf nodded. "We must fight for the greater good, even if it goes against the urging of our hearts."

"This all assumes they answer the summons of the beacon," Boromir said, his face grim.

"They're on their way," Duo replied. "Quatre finally stopped thinking at me in Latin to mention that they've moved out. They should be here sometime tomorrow, I think."

"Tomorrow, eh?" Boromir rubbed his chin. "Well, I think we can last the night." He looked up at the dark sky. "I only hope we can see the dawn. Already the stars are obliterated by the black cloud of Sauron."

"Be strong, Boromir," Gandalf said gravely. "The longer we prolong this fight, the longer we keep the enemy's eye turned away from the peril on his doorstep. We cannot let him guess the location of the ring and the more desperately we fight, the more convinced he will become that it is here."

Boromir nodded. "As always, Gandalf, I heed your council." He lifted his sword and shouted. "And no man here will concede even a stone of our White City while he still has blood in his veins!" There was a roar of agreement and looks of fear and exhaustion were wiped from the soldiers faces. "When our brothers from Rohan arrive," Boromir continued in a thunderous shout, "they will be awed and encouraged by our valor and fight even harder!" Cheers and war cries echoed his words.

"I suppose it would be better not to mention that they have already conceded a chunk of their White City," Wu-Fei remarked quietly.

"Battlefield rhetoric," Heero murmured back. "Sometimes a little hyperbole is called for."

Elsewhere, two days into their ride across the plains of Rohan, Eowyn and Merry were munching on bread during a break, trying not to look like a woman and a hobbit. Eowyn was having more success, but since very few of the riders seemed to be aware that the king had told Merry to stay behind, nobody remarked on his diminutive presence.

"How are you holding up?" asked Trowa, who was seated near them.

"Well enough," Eowyn replied. "We women of Rohan ride as well as the men, for we learn at the same age." She frowned. "It is only later, when our hips and busts begin to grow, that we are relegated to the kitchen and the bedroom."

"You shouldn't take it personally if it happens to all women," Trowa said.

"But it is nevertheless frustrating!" Eowyn exclaimed. "I could be so much more!"

"I think they've got plenty of riders," Trowa chuckled. "An intelligent woman capable of ruling is probably more valuable."

"Is that how you see it?"

"Yes," Trowa nodded. "And with your brother supporting you, I think you would have quite a bit of freedom."

"Hmm…" Eowyn pursed her lips. "I will have to keep that in mind."

Seated some distance away, Zechs chewed his bread somewhat distastefully. "This would go better with a bit of cheese."

"I was thinking a little tea would be good," Quatre replied.

"I'm impressed by the stamina of these Rohirrim," Zechs continued, "especially eating this stuff."

"They were probably nomads originally," Quatre said. "They're probably accustomed to living on horseback. Unlike this one." He stroked Jett's hair where she lay sprawled across his knees sound asleep.

"I'd have to say the same about this young lady as well," Zechs chuckled, patting Alexa who was also sound asleep snuggled up against his side.

Quatre nodded. "Perhaps even more impressive than the stamina of the Rohirrim is the ability of little kids to just fall asleep anywhere in just about any position."

"That is one of the things we unfortunately lose in the transition from childhood to adulthood," Zechs agreed. "Of course, with adulthood we discover many pleasurable things we can do with those hours when we cannot sleep," he added with a grin.

"Must you bring that up?" Quatre grumbled.

"What? Sex?"

"Yes!"

Zechs squinted at him. "Don't tell me you're frustrated by your self-imposed abstinence?"

"I'm not a machine, you know."

"So forgive him and get laid."

"Not until he apologizes. And anyway, there's not much point. It's not like we'll have time anytime soon."

"That's true." Zechs sighed. "I wonder where Treize and the others are."

"Duo should be able to tell you when we get to Minas Tirith."

"He just better not get hurt," Zechs said darkly.

"Don't worry," Quatre chuckled. "If he does, Roku or I will fix him so you can beat the crap out of him."

Zechs grinned. "You're a good friend, Quatre."

"I try."

"But a high-maintenance lover."

Quatre grinned back. "But I'm totally worth it!"

"That's what I keep telling Treize!"

The two handsome blonds snickered at each other.

A long horn blast was followed by cries of "Mount up!"

"Damn! Already?" Quatre shoved the last of his bread in his mouth and shouldered Jett. The child's limbs dangled loosely and she snored softly. "This would be easier if she'd wake up," Quatre muttered.

"Tell me about it," Zechs replied as he lifted Alexa.

"M'awake," Alexa muttered sleepily. She wrapped her arms around Zechs' neck and hooked her legs over his hips before dropping her head onto his shoulder and promptly going back to sleep.

"Yeah, right," Zechs chuckled as he swung back up onto his horse, a maneuver complicated by the fact that he had to get Alexa's leg over the horse at the same time.

The horsemen resumed their journey, galloping day and night across the plains until they rounded the shoulder of the mountains. Théoden had paced their march so that they arrived at the edge of the Pellenor at midday. He sent scouts ahead to see how the battle was progressing and Zechs, Quatre and Trowa rode over to hear their report.

"The city is under siege, your majesty," reported one of the scouts. "The main gate has been breached and the enemy has carried the battle into the city. But there are men still fighting, so I don't think they have fallen."

"Very well," Théoden said, nodding sharply. "And how stand the enemy forces in the field?"

"They have battle squares positioned about the plain, but they are not weighted on this side, so I don't think they were expecting us." The scout grinned as he made this report.

Théoden grinned back. "Is that so?" He drew his sword and waved it in the air. "Form ranks! Let's show these orcs what the hammer blow of a charge of the Rohirrim feels like!" Excited cries rose up into the air as the riders formed into a long line across the plain, several rows deep.

Zechs lifted Alexa down. "You don't get to participate in the charge, sweetheart," he said, "It's liable to get pretty messy out there. Take Jett and go wait behind the lines, please."

"Ok, Mommy."

Quatre swung Jett down beside her. "Go with Alexa, Jett. Try to get your Momma or Roku to notice you so Roku can come down and get you."

"Ok." Jett's face scrunched up with concentration. "Momma says Roku will fly down for us in a little bit. He says they're kind of busy right now retreating up a level."

"All right." Quatre tossed Jett a knife. "Just in case. See you soon."

The lines began moving forward. After several minutes, they crested a ridge and the vast Pellenor plain spread out before them. It was covered as far as the eye could see with enemy forces. As soon as the horsemen came into view, shouts went up and the ranks newest them began turning, preparing to take the charge.

Théoden raised his hand and the riders stopped. Lifting his sword, he turned and galloped along the front of the lines. "Our brothers in Gondor stand in desperate peril! As sons of the free world, it lies with us to break the backs of the enemy and drive them back into Mordor! On this day, the world shall see the full valor and courage of the men of Rohan!" He galloped back to his place in the line. "For Rohan! For Gondor! For all free men everywhere! Charge!" he kicked his horse forward and the line went with him.

The waiting squares of orc soldiers set their pikes but their eyes were round with alarm as that armored wave of men and horses bore down on them, spears at the ready and shrieking battle cries. The cavalry charge broke over the orcs like a tidal wave, fracturing their line and pouring in behind them. Within moments, the riders were all over the plain, engaging the orcs from the sides and the rear and drawing their attention away from the city.

"Man, that was fun!" Quatre shouted at Zechs and Trowa.

"Oh, yeah!" Zechs agreed with a fierce smile. His sword arm was practically a blur as he hacked and slashed at orcs on every side, his long hair flying.

"Would you look at that?" Trowa cried out. He pointed at what looked like an over-sized elephant with long curved tusks that swept all the way to the ground. Men sheltering in a structure on the creatures' backs were shooting arrows at the soldiers below.

"It's an oliphant!" Eomer shouted at them. "The only way to bring them down is hamstringing!"

"I'm going to have to do something about that!" Trowa replied and he steered his horse in the direction of the nearest creature.

"He can deal with that beastie," Quatre said. "I want to see how well those men over on that other one do with their howdah on fire." He pointed at another oliphant and shouted in Latin. The howdah on the animal's back burst into flames. The hideously painted savages on the oliphant's back started screaming, slapping at the flames in terror and finally leaping to the ground, where they were quickly cut down. A few unfortunate souls were trampled by their own oliphant as it reacted in fear to the fire raging on its back.

Quatre giggled. "That was fun! I'm doing it again!" He galloped off in the direction of another oliphant.

Trowa, meanwhile, had pulled up next to the first oliphant and was galloping along beside it. "Excuse me!" he shouted in standard elephant. "Is this your first battle?" he dodged skillfully to avoid a sweep of the creature's tusks.

"What you say?" the oliphant rumbled back.

Trowa adjusted his accent. "I asked if you're a war veteran."

"Oh. This my third fight."

"Do you enjoy battle?"

"Not really. Don't have much choice, though. Master is pretty mean. Pokes me with a stick right in my tender place."

"You know," Trowa said casually, "if you rolled over right now, every man on your back would be crushed and the howdah would come off."

The oliphant's pace slowed. "Tried that once. Master pulled my lead real hard and made me stand up."

"I'll distract him," Trowa said. He stood up on the back of his horse and jumped, catching the oliphant by the ear. Deftly, he swung up onto the oliphant's head next to the driver. "Good afternoon!" The driver shouted in surprise and dropped one lead to reach for a knife at his belt. Trowa immediately slit the other lead and executed a neat back flip off the oliphant. "Try now!" he shouted and sprinted out of range.

The oliphant skidded to a halt, its back knees dropping to the ground. Then it lowered itself carefully onto its front knees and rolled onto its side. With a powerful kick, it rolled up onto its back, crushing the howdah and its screaming occupants. It executed the maneuver twice more, reducing the howdah to splinters and shreds, and its one-time occupants to mashed red smears. Then it climbed quickly to its feet, shook off the remaining bits of strap and rope, and lumbered off.

"My thanks, friend," it rumbled as it broke into a quick trot.

Trowa smiled. "That was satisfying. Who's next?"

Between Trowa, Quatre and several enterprising horsemen, the oliphants very quickly became a non-factor in the battle. The main difficulty the soldiers faced was simply the sheer volume of orcs. They were everywhere and they fought with desperate ferocity. Clearly, they had no interest in retreating. But then, that was probably because of the Nazgul circling over the battlefield, uttering terrifying shrieks that seemed to madden the orcs as much as it terrified the men.

"I wonder why the Nazgul aren't attacking the city?" Zechs called out to Quatre.

"I suspect Roku is responsible," Quatre called back. "In his dragon form, he'd be bigger than those creatures, and I suspect they are not fireproof."

"Ah, good point." Zechs ran an orc through and stood up in his stirrups. "Dammit, can you stop that thing, Quatre?"

Quatre slashed to either side quickly to give himself some space before pointing in the direction of a diving Nazgul and shouting a spell. But this Nazgul had obviously been singed a few times, because it banked sharply to avoid the fireball Quatre shot at it and slammed into a man on horseback. "Shit! Was that Théoden?"

"Yes!" Zechs cursed in three or four languages. "Let's get over there. Maybe he's not dead."

They galloped in that direction, but they did not get there before Eowyn. She confronted the Nazgul, shouting something before she hacked off the creature's head and forced the black rider on its back to dismount.

"Can you shoot?" Zechs shouted.

"No! They're too close together!"

They watched, feeling helpless, as Eowyn confronted the black rider, who would have towered over her even without the iron crown sitting on top of his cloaked head.

"Holy shit!" Zechs exclaimed. "Did she just stab that thing in the face?"

"She sure did!" Quatre said. "But she's collapsed! Did it strike back?"

"It didn't look like it."

The two of them skidded to a halt next to the fallen woman and the smoldering remains of her opponent. Nearby, Merry lay unconscious, the blackened hilt of a knife in his hand.

"Eowyn!" Quatre cried. He leaned over her, feeling for a pulse at her throat and listening for breathing. "Oh, thank goodness! She's not dead."

"Neither is Merry," Zechs reported, "but I can't say the same for Théoden. It looks like his neck is broken."

"Oh, that's too bad." Quatre looked around. The battle had shifted away from them for the moment. "I'm going to make a safe place here," he said. "It should repel any orcs that come around. Then we can just leave them here until the battle is over."

"Sounds good." Zechs frowned, "I hope Eowyn doesn't die. She'd screw up Théoden's succession plan."

"Spoken like a true aristocrat!" Quatre snorted. "I daresay she has more personal reasons for not getting killed."

"Obedience to one's monarch should always supersede personal goals."

"So what monarch are you being obedient to?" Quatre laughed as he circled the ground where Eowyn and Merry lay, pausing every few steps to murmur something in Latin and trace symbols on the ground with his toe.

"Myself." Zechs smiled archly. "As the senior member of the court of the Sanc Kingdom, I am the ruler of my people, scattered though they are."

"That sounds like a crock."

"You're just jealous because you don't have a ruler."

"And what the hell would I do with some overbearing, sanctimonious ruler ordering me about?" Quatre drew his sword. "I'd just have to lop his head off." And he demonstrated by lopping the head off of an orc that was charging toward them before calmly completing his circle.

"You colonists are so rebellious!" Zechs chuckled.

"We're independent!"

"That's another word for it." Zechs cut down four orcs in rapid succession as they jogged back to their horses and remounted. "But maybe we should have this conversation later. It's getting a little busy."

"Yeah, I noticed." Quatre glanced back at Eowyn and Merry. "But you notice none of the orcs are bothering them."

"Yes, that's very clever of you."

"Thanks!"

They rejoined the battle, but soon got separated in the melee. But Quatre had only been fighting alone for a few minutes when Trowa appeared beside him riding a warg.

"What the hell are you doing on that thing?" Quatre demanded irritably.

"They're not so bad once you explain to them how they were being oppressed and abused by the orcs," Trowa said. "But I want to know something. Are you still mad at me? You must know by now that Roku is fine."

"Yes, I do," Quatre said. "In fact, I caught a glimpse of him when he flew down to get the girls."

"So does that mean I'm forgiven?"

Quatre lifted an eyebrow. "I haven't heard an apology yet."

"Oh, come on!" Trowa threw up his hands and the warg reared up in the air. Quatre's horse skittered sideways. "Sorry!" Trowa said to the horse. He patted the warg on the neck to make it calm down. "You know after the battle you're going to want a nice bath and a massage! Do you want some stranger rubbing your back or me?"

"I don't know," Quatre said, rubbing his chin. "How big are his hands?"

"Quatre!"

Quatre laughed. "I'm kidding! Of course I forgive you. Let's wrap this thing up so we can get to that bath."

"Right!"

"Mama!" A falcon banked sharply over their heads and a moment later dropped out of the sky to become Roku.

"Roku! Shouldn't you be in the city?" Quatre said.

"Nah, we're ok up there. Since you guys showed up, they started pulling back. Anyway, Papa Duo says to tell you that he heard from Treize. Aragorn and the others are almost here. They sailed up the river. Treize says not to kill everyone before he gets here because fighting beside ghosts was not the least bit fulfilling. Enemies would just drop dead from fear and there was hardly any blood."

"That does sound unfulfilling."

"Are they bringing the ghosts with them?" Trowa asked curiously. "I wouldn't mind seeing that."

"No. Apparently Aragorn freed them after they killed all the bad people in the south."

"Too bad."

Roku shrugged. "Anyway, Gandalf said you should come up to the citadel when the battle's over. He says there's room for all of us."

"I want one with a bathtub," Quatre said. He grinned at Trowa. "Someone promised me a bath and a massage."

Roku rolled his eyes. "Shouldn't you wait until after the battle to think about being naughty?"

Quatre shook a finger at him. "Thanks to you, I've been abstaining. It's your fault I've gotten all excited."

"Wait a minute!" Trowa held up a hand. "Are you telling me that you've been hard up all this time that you've been holding out on me?"

Quatre smiled sweetly. "No?" he said, completely unconvincingly.

Trowa glared at him. "Roku, go find me a three meter piece of rope, a silk bed sheet, two large pillows, a jar of honey and a raw egg."

Quatre paled. "What do you need all that for?"

"I just thought of something new to try," Trowa said in the same sweet tone Quatre had used before. "And you don't get to say no."

"Um…" Quatre swallowed.

"Just let me know when you need it, Papa," Roku said as he trotted away.

Quatre tugged on his horse's reins, making the animal back up. "Uh… I see some orcs over there that need killing!" He galloped away.

Trowa just grinned malevolently. "You can run, Quatre, but you can't hide!"


	6. Minas Tirith

Chapter 6: **Minas Tirith**

"Zechs!" Roku galloped across the plain toward the handsome blond. "Treize asked me to find you."

"Where is he?" Zechs demanded. He dodged the sweeping tusks of an oliphant and hacked one of its spiked attachments loose.

"Over there." Roku leaped onto the oliphant's tusk and began climbing up, digging his claws into the bony structure. The oliphant began shaking its head in panic, trying to dislodge him, and three or four of its occupants were flung off.

Zechs stood up in his stirrups and craned his neck. "Oh, I see him! Treize!" He waved wildly. "Over here!"

Treize stopped in mid-thrust, his sword skewered through the eye and into the brain of an orc, and looked back. "Zechs!" he cried. He shook the dying orc off his sword and kicked his horse to a gallop. He raced across the intervening distance, calmly trampling anyone or anything that happened to get in his path, and skidded to a halt beside Zechs. "I missed you, beloved," he said warmly.

Zechs clasped his arm. "I missed you, too." He leaned closer. "I really dislike not having you around."

Treize smiled happily. "That makes me happy," he said. "I will do my best, when the battle is over, to make up for my long absence with hours of passionate intimacy."

Zechs smiled back. "That would make me very happy."

"How has the battle been going?"

"Well enough," Zechs replied, "although we lost Théoden, unfortunately. A Nazgul killed him. But Eowyn took out the Nazgul, so I'd call it about even."

"That's too bad about Théoden," Treize said. "He was a decent fellow. But shouldn't Eowyn have been back in Rohan somewhere?"

"Yes," Zechs chuckled. "But she refused to be left behind. She and Merry snuck in with the horsemen and came anyway."

"That was very naughty of them."

Zechs shrugged. "Who can blame them for not wanting to miss a good fight?"

"That's true." Treize looked around. "Well, it seems like there are still plenty of orcs and Easterlings to kill. We'd better get to it."

"Yes, we probably should." Zechs patted Treize's cheek. "But I'll be thinking about you."

"And I about you," Treize responded.

So they got back to the serious business of slashing up enemies. Roku, meanwhile, had reached the oliphant's head and was clawing his way up its wide, sloping forehead. The oliphant was trumpeting in terror and desperately trying to shake him off, and in the process had ejected pretty much all of his erstwhile riders and trampled them underfoot. Only the animal's driver was still holding on, clinging to one of the leads as he was slung about by the oliphant's wild antics. Despite the bucking and shaking, Roku got onto the creature's head and dug in. The oliphant broke into a lumbering run, charging across the plain shaking its head and gouging its tusks into the ground. Its driver, still clinging to the lead, was bounced and banged off the creature's leg.

"That's amazing," Zechs remarked. "You'd think that man would have been battered unconscious by now."

"I know," Treize agreed. "But it's quite astonishing what the human body is capable of enduring."

Trowa trotted up beside them on his warg. "Yes, I will be explaining that to Quatre later," he said.

"That's a cool mount," Treize said.

Trowa patted the warg's neck. "Yeah, I've gotten somewhat partial to him. He likes biting the heads off Easterlings." Even as Trowa said it, the creature demonstrated by snatching the head off of a man as he ran by just out of range of Treize's sword. The Easterling's body ran several more steps before it realized it was decapitated and fell down.

Zechs stared. "I have to admit that's the first time I've ever seen that happen. I always thought it was a joke."

"I don't think I've seen it before either," Treize said. "People always just crumple to the ground when I cut their heads off."

"Maybe it's a momentum thing," Trowa said.

"Possibly."

"Oh, look, there's Aragorn," Trowa said. "He looks ticked off."

Treize wrinkled his nose. "Quite honestly, he's been in a bit of a temper ever since we went through the Paths of the Dead. I think it upset him thinking about how his ancestors were betrayed."

"But those people came through finally," Trowa said. "Or at least their shades did."

"Yeah," Treize agreed, "but he's still pretty touchy. Elrond's sons have been kissing up to him pretty hard but he's not going for it."

"Where'd you get Elrond's sons?"

"They caught up with us after we got out of the mountains," Treize said. "Apparently, Elrond sent them to help out, but personally, I think he just wanted to get them out of his hair. They never shut up and are constantly pawing each other when they aren't fawning all over Aragorn. It's really irritating. I had to accidentally smack them a few times."

Trowa blinked. "How do you accidentally smack someone?"

"It's all in the apology."

"I see."

Gimli stumped up with his axe over one shoulder dripping fresh gore. "Good day, gentlemen!" he said cheerfully. "Enjoying the carnage?"

"Of course," Trowa said. "How were the Paths of the Dead?"

Gimli shuddered. "Horrible! Utterly horrible! I'll never do anything so foolish again. Give me a solid enemy of flesh and bone to fight any day. Those whispering shades made my blood run cold in my veins."

"Doesn't sound like fun."

"It most definitely was not." Gimli said. "But what's worse is now I must put up with that damned elf showing off all over the battlefield."

"Who, Legolas?"

"None other," Gimli scowled. "Look at him there, singlehandedly taking down that great beast!"

They all watched as Legolas clambered part-way up the side of an oliphant, cut its howdah loose and let the harness pull him the rest of the way up so he could kill the driver and then shoot arrows into the oliphant's brain until it collapsed.

Gimli threw up his hands. "Do you see? How many times am I going to have to listen to that story, I ask you?"

"Well, surely you've killed your fair share of enemies," Zechs said sympathetically.

"Of course!" Gimli cried, "but what's a hundred or so orcs and whatnot to a great big monster like that?" He cupped his hand around his mouth. "It still only counts as one!" he shouted at Legolas.

Legolas waved back with a wide grin on his face.

"Stupid elf!" Gimli stamped off, muttering under his breath and swinging his axe to either side, rather indiscriminately hewing down whatever he passed.

"Ah, there's nothing like a healthy battlefield rivalry!" Treize declared expansively. "Let's work ourselves into a fine passion, Zechs, and then find someplace quiet where we can fall on each other like newlyweds."

Zechs chuckled. "How romantic! Shall we go this way? I see some orcs trying to retreat with their backs to us. Let's hurry them along."

"Absolutely!" Treize and Zechs rode off together, swinging their swords in choreographed unison.

Trowa smiled. "They sure make that look pretty. Now, where's Quatre? It looks to me like the battle's winding down. He better not try to hide from me." Trowa nudged his warg into a trot. "Do you remember the pretty blond I was talking to?" he asked the warg pleasantly. "The one you said smelled yummy?"

"Yes," the warg replied. "Do I get to eat him now?"

"Hardly," Trowa said. "Only I get to eat that dear boy. But I would like you to find him for me."

"All right." The warg raised its head and sniffed. "This way." And it trotted off in the indicated direction.

Trowa found Quatre busily destroying siege engines by blasting them apart with exploding fireballs, while surrounded by a force field that prevented the arrows several orcs were shooting at him from reaching their mark. He was giggling maniacally as he pointed his cupped hands at a huge catapult and launched a sizzling orange fireball at it. The fireball hit the catapult and it blew apart, skewering several nearby orcs and trolls with flaming wooden shards. Trowa just avoided being smacked in the head by one particularly large piece because the warg leaped sideways at the last instant.

"Have you lost your mind, Quatre?" Trowa shouted at him.

Quatre grinned at him and aimed at another catapult. "Watch out!" He shot another fireball and the catapult exploded. "Isn't that great?" he exclaimed, still giggling. "I'd forgotten how much fun it is to just blow shit up. Look! There's more stuff over there!" He kicked his horse to a gallop and raced off toward another pair of catapults. The trolls controlling the catapults saw him coming and took off, lumbering toward the nearest bridge back across the river. Their orc masters screamed at them to come back, since without the trolls there was no way they could operate the huge winches that pulled down the lever arms, but their problem was solved rather quickly by Quatre, who blew their catapults to smithereens with more giant balls of orange flame.

"Will you please stop that, Quatre!" Trowa shouted. "I think you've made your point."

Quatre looked around and stuck his lower lip out in a pout. "I guess you're right. There doesn't look to be anything left to blow up anyway."

Trowa shook his head. "You're nuts."

"I was just having fun."

"We should go into the city," Trowa said. "The battle's pretty much over."

"Already? That was quick."

"Quick? We've been doing this for hours."

"Really? It didn't seem like it." Quatre eyed Trowa suspiciously. "We should meet up with the others before we go in."

"Being in a group won't save you from the fate I have planned for you," Trowa said lightly. He tapped his chin. "It just occurred to me that I should have told Roku that I need two raw eggs."

Quatre blinked worriedly. "Why?"

"You'll find out." Trowa grinned maliciously. "But I guarantee you will never look at eggs the same way again."

"I really don't think this is a good idea."

"You don't even know what I'm going to do to you yet." Trowa grinned. "And you never think my ideas are good until you're in the middle of them shooting all over me."

Quatre swallowed. "Um…"

"But I tell you what," Trowa continued generously. "Since I'm so fond of you, I'll give you an out. If you're too tired to continue after the fourth come, we'll stop."

"The… fourth…" Quatre stammered, round-eyed.

"Assuming you can distinguish between the comes."

Quatre stared.

"Oh, look! Here comes everyone else." Trowa shaded his eyes to look toward the setting sun. Approaching across the body-strewn, blood-soaked and explosion-pocked plain were Zechs, Treize, Roku, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and two other elves. "Those must be Elrond's sons. Geez, Treize was right. They are pawing each other. And on horseback, too. They must have some interesting sexual encounters." Trowa rubbed his chin speculatively.

Quatre edged away from him.

"You've been having fun, Mama," Roku said as he trotted up. "I saw the fireballs."

Quatre perked up. "Yeah, it was great!"

"With your help," Aragorn said gravely, "we have routed the enemy for today. But the battle is far from over. Until the ring is destroyed, every victory is temporary." He looked up at the towering white walls of Minas Tirith. "It has been a long time since I entered that city and I did not walk her streets as her king, then. Nor can I do so now. The Steward of Gondor has long kept watch over this city and I would not like to dishonor him by marching in as a victor."

"You needn't worry about offending Denethor," Roku said. "He fell out of the city last night."

Aragorn stared. "What?"

"He lost it when he thought Faramir was dying and Boromir was dead. He sort of accidentally caught fire and fell out of the city." Roku shrugged. "Papa Duo said he'd been looking in a Palantir and the Dark Lord deranged his mind."

"That is… very unfortunate," Aragorn said slowly. "But I still do not want to walk into Minas Tirith as king. I cannot sit upon the throne of the white city until the threat to her future has been utterly destroyed."

"Fair enough," Treize said. "But that doesn't mean we can't spend the night there. I could use a hot bath and a decent night's sleep in a soft bed." He smiled at Zechs. "And I owe someone a long massage."

Zechs smiled back. "I agree. No one needs to know that you are anyone other than a Ranger from the North for now."

Aragorn nodded. "So be it. Let us gather up our comrades from Rohan, raise mounds over the dead and fetch the wounded into the city. In the morning, we shall discuss what our next step will be."

It ended up taking until well after sunset to finish everything to Aragorn's satisfaction. The fallen men of Gondor and Rohan were placed in shallow pits and had mounds raised over them, since this was a traditional way to honor the dead without taking so long that their bodies started to stink. The orcs, Easterlings and other enemy fighters were just heaped up and burned. The wounded soldiers were taken into the city to be cared for, starting with Eowyn. When Quatre led the way back to where he and Zechs had left her, they found Eomer there, weeping in anguish over her unconscious form.

"She is so still!" he cried. "I can barely feel her draw breath!"

Aragorn immediately bent over her, his hand pressed to her forehead. "She is afflicted by the black breath of the Nazgul," he declared finally. "I can cure this, but it will not be easy. She is far gone. Take her to the citadel and make her comfortable. I shall be there directly."

"I think Merry is suffering from the same thing," Zechs said to Aragorn, squatting down next to the pale-faced hobbit.

Aragorn touched Merry's cold, clammy forehead and nodded. "Indeed," he said. "Take him, too."

But with so much to do, lingering twilight had descended and cast the Pellenor into deep shadow before Aragorn and the others rode through the ruined gates of Minas Tirith. Boromir sat on horseback waiting for them just inside, the flickering light of lingering fires from flaming projectiles revealing his drawn, tired face.

"Welcome to Minas Tirith, Aragorn," Boromir said. "A month ago I would have been loath to greet you here, but my heart has changed."

"I heard about your father," Aragorn said. "I am sorry."

Boromir shrugged. "He is at peace now. But I have read the old texts. Is it true that the King of Gondor can heal those afflicted by the black sleep of Sauron?"

Aragorn nodded. "It is. Lead me to where those who are suffering lie and I shall tend them."

Boromir led the way up the winding, rubble-strewn streets of the city to the citadel at the top. Heero, Duo and Wu-Fei were waiting on the steps out front, along with Jett and Alexa.

"Daddy!" Alexa shouted. "You're back!"

Treize swung down from his horse and picked her up. "Yes, I am. I missed you, sweetheart." He gave her a kiss.

"You all look none the worse for riding across country non-stop and then fighting all day," Duo said cheerfully. "We've picked out rooms for everyone and the household staff have been boiling water for baths."

"I must tend to those in the infirmary first," Aragorn said gravely.

"We'll help you," Elladan said promptly. "We Half-Elven are especially adept at the healing arts."

"In fact, just the sight of us should soothe the distress of the ill and injured," Elrohir added. "For indeed, our gentle and beauteous demeanor alone may be enough to ease the hearts of some."

"That is no less than true," Elladan concurred, "for no sooner do I set eyes on your perfect face than all of my troubles fall away." He cupped Elrohir's cheek in his hand.

"Those very words could have come from my own lips," Elrohir responded, cupping Ellandan's cheek in his hand in turn, "for your lovely eyes and shapely lips chase every ill thought from my mind in an instant." They stared dreamily into each other's eyes.

"Ok, now I want to smack them," Trowa muttered.

"Perhaps I shouldn't mention this," Treize said, rolling his eyes, "but Aragorn left already." Elladan and Elrohir started and looked around quickly. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Boromir were nowhere in sight. "But if you are anxious to be of service to someone, you can do me a favor."

"What favor might you need?" Elladan said primly.

"Our children need baths."

The Gundam pilots all smirked.

Elladan eyed the girls. "Surely they are old enough to bathe themselves."

"Of course," said Treize, "but they need their hair done."

Elrohir perked up. "Just a washing, or might they need brushing, combing and braiding as well?"

"Oh, definitely all of that."

Alexa rolled her eyes.

"Roku will help you," Treize continued.

Elladan studied Roku with excited eyes. "The creature will allow us to bathe him?"

"I'm not a creature, I'm a boy," Roku interjected indignantly, "and I love baths."

"This is a most pleasing turn of events!" Elladan exclaimed. "We were quite disappointed when we returned to Rivendell recently and learned of the strange guests we had missed. We will be more than happy to perform this simple and unassuming favor. We thank you for entrusting us with the care of your children."

"You're very welcome," Treize said with a completely straight face.

No one said a thing until the twin elves had escorted Roku, Jett and Alexa into the citadel.

"Suckers!" Heero snickered.

"You totally set them up!" Zechs said.

"But it was all for a good cause," Treize replied. He wrapped his arms around Zechs' waist. "Now I have nothing to do but tend to you, my beloved."

"Aren't you hungry?"

"Only for you." Treize nibbled Zechs' neck. "When I've had my fill of you, I'll think about food."

Duo grinned. "Now you should all thank me for my unbelievable psychic powers," he said. "Having been privy to all your lustful thoughts, I persuaded the kitchen staff to have meals waiting in everyone's rooms. If you'll follow me, I'll show you where you'll be staying. And Trowa," Duo's grin widened, "Roku already dropped off the things you asked for earlier."

"Excellent!"

"When did he do that?" Quatre demanded. "He was out there playing with an oliphant!"

"Have you forgotten that he flies?" Duo pointed out. "And personally, I think he's capable of teleportation. Or at least of being able to push stuff out of his storage space over really long distances. Anyway, it looks like you're in for a fun evening. I'm a little envious."

"Fine!" Quatre exclaimed. "Then you spend the night with Trowa and find out what the raw egg is for!"

"Oh, I already know what it's for," Duo said, lifting his eyebrows. "I read minds, remember?"

"Don't give it away," Trowa said quickly. "I want to surprise him."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Duo assured him.

"This isn't fair!" Quatre wailed. "I'm going to be abused and no one cares!"

"Of course we care, Quatre," Wu-Fei said. "You are a dear friend that we all knocked up once."

"That isn't caring!"

"He's getting a little whiny, Trowa," Heero said. "I think he needs a good banging. Need any help?"

"Nah, I got it. Once I get him properly restrained, he'll get the best banging he's had in years."

Quatre bolted.

Trowa's warg jumped into his path and Quatre slammed into its rough-haired stinking side. "Your dinner's getting away," it said to Trowa.

"Thanks for stopping him!" Trowa said. He flung Quatre over his shoulder and patted the warg on the neck. "You've been great, but you might want to head on back to your own territory now. The locals are a bit afraid of you and they might attack you by mistake."

"Very well." The warg dipped its head. "It's been a pleasure." The creature trotted off down the road, its progress punctuated by screams and the sound of slamming doors.

"That's a very well-spoken creature," Trowa remarked to the others as he carried the struggling Quatre into the citadel. "I'll miss him." He swatted Quatre on the butt. "Quit struggling and accept the inevitable."

Quatre went limp. "I'm so mistreated!"

"But you're going to love every minute of it. Which way to our room, Duo?"

"Right this way, Mr. Barton." Duo led them through the citadel to a long gallery with doors opening on the left into spacious rooms with enormous beds, big claw-footed tubs that could hold two people, fireplaces, tables and chairs with dinner already waiting, and long balconies overlooking the Pellenor.

"Nice!" Trowa declared when Duo opened the first door. "This is perfect. Good evening, everyone. See you tomorrow." He closed the door with a smile, cutting off Quatre's last, desperate whimper.

At the next door, Treize and Zechs bid everyone good night and slipped inside.

At the final door, Duo smiled at Heero and Wu-Fei. "And this one is for us. Roku and the girls will be sleeping next door." He tipped his head and listened. "In fact, I believe they're in there with the elf twins right now."

Heero grinned. "Better them than me. Let's see what's for dinner. I'm starved. All this fighting has really worked up an appetite." He smacked Wu-Fei on the butt. "And I wouldn't say no to a little sex later, either. Your shiny butt turns me on."

"My butt is not shiny!" Wu-Fei huffed.

Heero and Duo put their arms around his waist. "We'll be the judge of that!"


	7. The Plains of Mordor

Chapter 7: **The Plains of Mordor**

"Hadeya," Sam whispered, "when can we leave these orcs?" He looked around with alarm and distaste. "I don't know how much longer we can continue to pretend we're one of them."

"Or eat this food?" Hadeya muttered. He flung away the partially gnawed bone he had been eating, even though there were still bits of meat clinging to it. "Dead Easterling just really doesn't taste that good. Maybe if it wasn't half raw…"

"Meat!" Someone shouted hoarsely and dove on Hadeya's discarded bone. Half a dozen other orcs leaped for it as well and a fight ensued.

Frodo put a hand over his mouth, only half-seen under the steel grate of his orc helmet. "How can you eat that?" he wheezed. "It makes me sick just looking at it!"

"We have to eat something, Mister Frodo!" Sam said. "We'll never make it otherwise." He moved closer and pressed a moldy chunk of bread into Frodo's hand. "Eat this; you need your strength."

Frodo stared at it. "I don't think I can, Sam! The smell of it turns my stomach!"

"Please try, Mister Frodo!" Sam stared anxiously through the slit-like eye holes of his orc mask. "Just swallow it quick and take a little water."

"You should drink the grog," Hadeya said. He held out a leather pouch of the thick, syrupy liquor the orcs favored. "Once you get past the taste, it's not that bad. It actually gives you quite a bit of energy."

Frodo gagged.

"Suit yourself." Hadeya took a stiff pull from the pouch and hang it back at his waist. "Anyway, as it happens, I'm planning to split off from the orcs tonight, after they bed down. This road has gotten us well out into the plains, but it's going to turn toward the gate soon and we don't want to go that way. So we'll slip away tonight and set out straight for the volcano. It's going to take a few days to get there, though, even if we push." He studied Frodo critically. "He's going to slow us down if he doesn't eat or drink anything. Move aside for a minute, Sam." Sam shifted over so Hadeya could crouch down directly in front of Frodo. Hadeya took the bread that Frodo was still holding. "Look at me, Frodo. Have you ever seen a rainbow?"

"Of course!" Frodo said, managing to sound indignant and nauseous at the same time.

"Very well," Hadeya said. "Close your eyes and imagine the most beautiful rainbow you ever saw."

"That's easy," Frodo breathed. "It rained the week before Bilbo's birthday party and there was a full-double rainbow arching over the Birthday Tree that lasted nearly twenty minutes. Bilbo and I sat outside with our pipes and just stared at it."

"That sounds beautiful," Hadeya said in a soft, soothing voice. "Remember what it felt like: the coolness of the air from the rain; the tang of pipe smoke in your lungs; the white wisps of smoke drifting away on the breeze; the pleasant warmth of companionship." As he spoke, Frodo's breathing slowed and he began to smile.

"It's like I'm there!" Frodo exclaimed softly. "I can smell the tobacco!"

"Yes," Hadeya purred. "Here, have a fresh baked scone." Hadeya put the bread in Frodo's hand.

"Thank you!" Frodo exclaimed. He ate the moldy bread without hesitation.

"Give me that cup, Sam," Hadeya said softly. Sam handed him a battered tin cup and Hadeya poured a measure of grog into it. "Frodo, here's some tea to wash down that scone."

"Why, thank you!" Frodo accepted the cup and downed the grog happily. Then he shuddered and exploded into a coughing fit. "What in heaven's name?" he rasped out between wracking coughs.

"That's better," Hadeya said. "Get some sleep, both of you. I'll wake you when it's time to go."

Sam put an arm around Frodo's shoulders and offered him his water pouch. "Have a drink, Mister Frodo!"

Frodo gulped down a mouthful of water and was finally able to stop coughing. "What happened?" he groaned. "I was having a wonderful dream that I was back in the Shire with Uncle Bilbo and then suddenly my throat was on fire."

"Mister Hadeya tricked you into drinking some of that nasty grog," Sam said accusingly.

"It was for his own good," Hadeya said.

"I think I need to lie down," Frodo moaned. He stretched out on the ground and Sam put a ratty blanket over him.

"You sleep, too," Hadeya ordered Sam. "Once we get going, there won't be any time for sleep until well after sunrise."

Sam frowned at him, but he lay down next to Frodo and closed his eyes. Hadeya sat down nearby and watched the orcs closely. Now that food and grog had been consumed, most of the orcs were settling down to sleep. But orcs are short-tempered by nature and didn't really need much of a reason to fight. One big orc stomped and kicked his way through the sleeping orcs until he got to where Hadeya was sitting and glared down at him.

"Move over! That's where I'm sleeping!"

Hadeya had purposely selected their location based on its proximity to a field of boulders that could be used to cover their eventual escape. He had made their beds against the flat side of a big rock so that reflected heat from their tiny fire would warm them. He wasn't the only one to have used one of the rocks this way, nor were all the rocks pressed into service, but these facts seemed to be of little concern to the big orc confronting him.

"I said move!" The orc balled up a big fist, the muscles in his upper arm bunching impressively, and leaned toward Hadeya threateningly.

Hadeya didn't move. "Go sleep over there," he said, waving a hand vaguely off to his left.

"What?" The orc seemed momentarily confused by Hadeya's calm rejection of his demand.

"I'm quite comfortable where I am," Hadeya said, "so you should go find somewhere else to sleep."

"Why you…!" The orc jerked his fist back, preparing to slam it into Hadeya's face.

"How irritating!" Hadeya grumbled. He flowed to his feet, drawing his sword in the same motion, and slashed the orc's guts open.

"Huh?" The orc stared down in confusion as his intestines spilled out, along with a gush of blood and body fluids. Blinking in alarm, the creature tried to stuff his guts back in.

"No you don't!" Hadeya snapped. "I earned those." He hacked off several loops of the small intestine and the orc staggered away, trailing the severed ends. He didn't make it far. The smell of fresh blood woke the nearest orcs and they leaped onto the dying orc eagerly, ripping him to shreds and hunkering down to tear into the bloody chunks.

Hadeya picked up the intestines with a smile. None of the orcs seemed inclined to contest him for it.

"What are you going to do with that?" Sam stared at the blood covered, shimmering loops with dismay.

"Can I borrow your seasoning?"

"What?"

"I've been watching this orc. He's been getting the lion's share of fresh meat and I saw him steal bread from at least five other orcs yesterday. His intestines are full of partially digested meat and bread. If I add a little seasoning and roast these over the fire, we'll have excellent sausages."

Sam swallowed. "You're going to make orc sausages?"

"Not really," Hadeya chuckled. "We've mostly been eating Easterlings and Rock Trolls, so I'd say it's more Easterling and Troll sausage in an orc-intestine casing. I bet Uncle Duo would love it."

"I am not eating that," Sam declared flatly.

"More for me, then" Hadeya remarked with a smile. "The seasoning?" He held out his hand. Looking sick to his stomach, Sam handed over the precious box and then watched in horrified fascination as Hadeya hung the loops over his sword, sprinkled them with seasoning and held them over the fire to cook. Hadeya hummed happily to himself as the loops sizzled and darkened. "Yup, I won't be going hungry on the way to Mount Doom."

Far away in the Citadel of Minas Tirith, Duo exclaimed aloud. "No fair!"

Everyone else in the gravely serious war meeting in Aragorn's throne room stared at him in surprise.

"What's not fair, Duo?" Quatre snapped. "All I said was that we should back up Aragorn when he leads his army against Sauron's forces at the Black Gate, if that's what he's planning."

Duo looked sheepish. "I'm sorry! I was distracted. Hadeya was just telling me that he's making orc-intestine sausages and it sounded pretty good. And then he said he wasn't going to save me any!"

"Orc… intestine… sausages…?" Wu-Fei gulped out. "You're not serious?"

"Yeah, with Easterling and Rock Troll stuffing!"

Wu-Fei clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Duo, would you please not make Wu-Fei barf?" Heero grumbled. "He might shoot fire and singe somebody."

"Sorry!"

"Can we get back to the discussion at hand?" Quatre asked.

"Wait a minute." Trowa held up a hand. "If you were communicating with Hadeya you must know where they are."

"Sure," Duo shrugged. "They're crossing the Mordor plains with an orc army."

"What?" Aragorn and Gandalf exclaimed in unison.

"They needed to use the road," Duo explained. "They've been traveling with the army disguised as orcs. I'm sure I told you this. Anyway, they're about to sneak away and set off for Mount Doom. So Hadeya was making sausages for traveling food. I thought it made a lot of sense."

Heero nodded. "I agree. But where did he get orc-intestine?"

"Out of an orc."

"Ah."

"Does Frodo still have the ring?" Gandalf asked intently.

"Well, yeah," Duo said in that tone of voice that indicated Gandalf was asking the obvious. "There wouldn't be much reason for them to go to Mount Doom if he didn't."

"Yes, of course," Gandalf said a little pompously. "I just wanted to be sure."

"No problem." Duo waved a hand. "Sorry for the interruption. Please continue Aragorn."

Aragorn inclined his head. "Thank you. As I was saying: the best help we could give Frodo and the others at this time is to draw Sauron's eye away. We must make him think that a new holder of the ring is about to rise up to challenge him. To this end, I propose to lay my hand on the Palantir and threaten him. It will make him think I have the ring and he will turn all his forces out to meet me."

"Um, excuse me," Wu-Fei held up a hand, his color restored now that they were talking about war instead of food made out of orc body parts, "but isn't it likely, despite the size of the force we just faced, that he still outnumbers us by a lot?"

"Very likely," Aragorn agreed gravely, "but we have little choice. We must give Frodo time to reach Mount Doom and we must keep Sauron distracted from the danger within his own borders."

"Aragorn is right," Gandalf said. "We have little choice. Having lost on this battlefield, Sauron may not strike against us here a second time. We must take the fight to him."

"Moreover, Minas Tirith will not be left defenseless," Boromir spoke up. "I will stay here to guard the city and care for the injured until such time as I am called upon to do more."

Roku yawned widely. "Faramir woke up," he confided to Alexa. "He doesn't want to leave him."

"Were they being naughty?" Alexa whispered.

"I'm not answering that."

Jett snickered.

On the far side of the room, Elrohir and Elladan watched the three children with barely concealed terror.

Treize glanced at them. "Should I?" he whispered to Zechs.

"Why not?" Zechs chuckled. "It will be funny."

"Our daughters should not go to battle with us," Treize said more loudly. His eyes fell on the twin elves. "It would be good if someone volunteered to look after them while we are away. Our elven brothers did such a fine job tending them in their bath and afterward the other day, I thought perhaps they would be glad to take such responsibility again."

The two handsome elves went round-eyed with horror. "Uh… I think, perhaps," Elladan looked at his brother anxiously, "Elrohir and I should be in the vanguard of the charge at the Black Gate. We are men of such uncontested bravery and forthright courage we would do well to precede our beloved friend Aragorn into battle, where we might fight among the fiercest and most dedicated of our evil foes. Is that not so, dear brother?"

"Indeed, those are the very words that would have issued from my shapely mouth, had I chosen to speak first. For indeed, rushing headlong into the bloodiest conflict is no great challenge for us, mighty as we are." Elrohir nodded quickly as he spoke.

"Well, if you think so," Treize said slowly. "I just thought that since Roku will be going with us you might be happy to take his customary place watching our innocent little ones."

Alexa and Jett blinked at the two elves with large, round eyes, displaying their most innocent and sweet expressions. Elrohir and Elladan backed up a step and their horrified gaze shifted to Roku. Roku ran his tongue out in a huge tiger grin.

"That seems like a small request," Aragorn said. "In truth, although I value your skill in battle, the addition of your two swords will not much sway the outcome of this battle, for it is likely we will be crushed beneath the greater forces we will face."

The two elves shuddered and looks of desperation came over them.

"Alas, as we elves are immortal insofar as we are not outright killed," Elladan began nervously, "I think the safer road might be into the stinking black maw of Sauron's forces, for sword and spear I know well how to counter, but the near drowning I experienced at the hands of that dark-haired angel still blanches my heart."

Alexa smiled at him sweetly.

"Moreover," Elrohir continued the confession, "the shattering chords which issued from the porcelain throat of that sweet cherub still ring in my ears, such that I thought I would never again hear the sweet strains of an elven song until I was able to flush the blood out."

"Who, me?" Jett purred innocently.

"But in shameful conclusion," Elladan said, hanging his head, "I admit that the prospect of a forced march over rough terrain is dismaying because yonder striped cat did favor us with a prolonged foot bath, and the rough scraping of his tongue has left nary a callous anywhere on my handsome foot that might cushion it from the small stones over which we must walk."

"Oh pish!" Roku waved a paw. "You'll be on horseback. And your feet were dirty."

Zechs lifted an eyebrow at Treize and stood up. He strolled over to the twin elves and pulled his long blond hair over one shoulder. Dipping his head so his bangs spilled across his eyes, he smiled his most seductive smile. "Gentlemen," he purred, "will you not do us this favor if I extract a promise of good behavior from our girls? I'm sure once I point it out they will agree that drowning and deafening you is not ladylike behavior."

Elrohir and Elladan stared at Zechs with their mouths open. "Such beauty!" they whispered in unison.

"Of course!" Elrohir said quickly. "For you, any favor is not too small, for such unparalleled beauty could never hide deceit, so we place our full trust in you and offer ourselves as guardians to your sweet daughters. They will come to no harm while entrusted to our care."

"Even so!" Elladan agreed. "For know that once our word is given, it is as gold and inviolable. You may rely on us."

"That's wonderful!" Zechs said and his smile became radiant. He turned to Alexa and Jett. "Girls, I want you to promise me that Elrohir and Elladan will be alive and in more or less the same condition as they are now when I get back."

"Yes, Mommy!"

"Yes, Uncle Zechs!"

Elrohir and Elladan exchanged a worried look.

"Those two are totally suckers for a pretty face," Heero commented.

"And they don't know Zechs at all if they think his pretty face can't hide deceit," Trowa added.

Merry and Pippin had been sitting quietly in a corner through this whole thing. Merry still looked a little pale from his brush with the Black King of the Nazgul, but he was sitting up straight next to Pippin. "I hope you aren't planning to leave us behind," he said. "I think I have shown that we hobbits can hold our own in a battle."

Aragorn smiled at him fondly. "I would never have thought such a thing," he said gravely. "Though our Fellowship is broken, you two have proved your worth more times than any of us. You shall ride at my side when we set out and the enemy shall know fear at the sight of you."

The two hobbits exchanged happy smiles.

"Now then," Gimli rumbled, puffing out a cloud of smoke from his pipe, "how shall we organize our forces? We have men of Gondor and of Rohan at hand, ready to strike straight at the heart of Sauron in his monstrous keep. I say we ride forth without delay! There is nothing to be gained by holding back."

"Gimli has it right, for once," Legolas said. Gimli snorted. "We should ride forth right away. If Frodo is on the plains of Mordor, he has but a handful of days travel ahead of him. It would be good if we should we fall upon Mordor's gate just as he is climbing the slopes of Mount Doom."

Aragorn nodded. "You have both spoken my mind. I wish to ride forth just as soon as it can be arranged. Tomorrow morning would be best. So tonight, I will lay my hand on the Palantir."

"Are you sure that's wise, Aragorn?" Gandalf said. "Sauron will be able to see into your mind."

"Yes!" Aragorn smiled grimly. "And he will not like what he sees, for I shall show him visions of his own destruction!" He laughed harshly. "He is not the only one who can sow doubt in the minds of others."

Gandalf smiled. "Spoken like the true King of Men!" he said approvingly. "Well, then, proceed as you would. I shall see to the gathering of supplies and arms for those who shall ride forth."

The meeting broke up and people wandered off in various directions.

Duo followed Aragorn. "I'll back you up with the Palantir," he said. "If Sauron tries anything hinky, I can blast him out of your head. It might hurt, though."

Aragorn smiled crookedly. "It can be no worse than being in contact with his foul being. You have touched his vile mind yourself, so you know what I mean."

"Too well," Duo scowled. "That was really nasty. But I'll stand by anyway. It's always good to have back up."

"Thank you, my friend."

The two of them walked over to the low seat that Denethor had used. Nestled on a pillow on the seat under a thick cloth was the Palantir they had brought from Isengard. After only a brief hesitation, Aragorn flicked the cloth aside and picked up the globe in one hand, staring into its swirling depths grimly. His lips moved as he whispered silently and a look of dismay briefly washed over his face. Then he glared into the ball and tossed it away with a triumphant gesture. Duo quickly covered it back up with the cloth.

"Hah!" Aragorn gasped. "He tried to distract me with visions of heartbreak and loss, but isn't that all there will be should he prevail? Saying that is my fate should I challenge him is a fool's game! That would be my fate should I not challenge him!" He turned to Duo and threw his shoulders back, his eyes flashing. "I will cast him down! This world will never again bear his evil yoke." He stalked away angrily.

"He'll make a good king," Treize said from where he was leaning against a post, watching the whole thing. "He reminds me of me."

"Sheesh!" Duo rolled his eyes. "You have a high opinion of yourself."

"Why shouldn't I? I'm exceptional."

"Except for that whole letting yourself get killed thing?"

"Oh, I planned that," Treize said. "It inspired Zechs, didn't it?"

"You let yourself get killed just to make him do what you wanted?"

"We weren't speaking at the time," Treize shrugged. "My options were narrowed. Anyway, it worked out all right, thanks to you five and your truly exceptional son."

"You could not possibly have planned for being brought back from the dead."

"I admit I hadn't really thought of that, but sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith."

"If I were Zechs, I wouldn't have forgiven you for dying."

"Oh, he punished me for that, believe me." Treize chuckled. "In fact, he still does every now and then. But I enjoy making it up to him, so it's all worthwhile."

"Pervert."

"Says the pervert."

Duo grinned. "Let's find a couple bottles of wine and see if we can get laid. We're about to go into battle again, so who knows when the next opportunity will arise?"

"I like how you think, Duo." Treize clapped an arm around his shoulders. "Now then, why don't you tell me what Trowa did with the two raw eggs? I want to know if it's something I should be doing to Zechs."

Duo chuckled. "Ask Quatre. He had a dreamy smile on his face all morning."

"But that could have just been from the bondage," Treize pointed out. "You know how happy he gets after being tied up and banged all night."

"Who wouldn't be?" Duo laughed.

"Good point, but you understand what I'm getting at?"

"Of course. Well, if you must know, it goes like this." He lowered his voice.

"What are you two talking about?" Zechs interrupted. He stared suspiciously from one to the other.

"Nothing, my love," Treize said. "We were just going to look for some wine. Would you like some?"

"Yes," Zechs continued to glare at them. "But you were up to something. You have that look."

"We were just talking about Aragorn and the art of leadership," Treize said. "You know that's a subject near and dear to my heart."

"Oh, well, if that's all."

"Of course." Treize took Zechs by the hand. "Let's go find that wine, shall we?" He winked over his shoulder at Duo. "We can talk later."

"Sure thing," Duo snickered. "Zechs has no idea what's he in for."


	8. The Black Gates

Chapter 8: **The Black Gates**

"I don't think I can get on a horse," Quatre grumbled.

"You've had a whole day and night to recover!" Zechs said.

"What, you think Trowa wasn't banging me all last night, too?" Quatre rubbed his butt. "He claimed I still owed him, even after he... Umm..." Quatre flushed. "Perhaps I won't go into details about that."

Zechs grinned. "You may as well. Treize got Duo to tell him what Trowa did to you and he accosted me with an egg last night."

"He did?"

"Yeah. I blame you."

"Then why are you smiling?"

"Well," Zechs' smile widened. "It felt really good!"

Quatre grinned back. "Yeah, there's that. It makes it hard to stay mad at them."

"I know!"

"Next time tell Treize to use two eggs. Once you're all slippery, he can for sure get the other yoke in without breaking it. Until he wants to, anyway!"

Zechs tapped his chin. "I wonder how many yokes would fit…"

"Interesting thought, but it would get really messy."

"Yeah!" Zechs smiled dreamily.

"I didn't know you had such a kinky streak."

Zechs cleared his throat and put on a sophisticated expression. "I don't!"

"Yeah, right."

They walked out into the courtyard in front of the citadel, where everyone was assembling before riding down to meet the army outside the main gate.

Aragorn faced the group and spoke gravely. "We are about to beard the lion in his den. I will not deceive you: there is a strong likelihood that many of us, perhaps all of us, will not return alive from this adventure. But if Sauron is ultimately destroyed, our sacrifice will not be in vain."

Gimli grinned broadly. "That's the kind of talk I like to hear! Insurmountable odds! Small chance of survival! This is when a man is truly alive! Enough talk! Let's go!"

Boromir stepped forward. "My brother and I shall await your return, Aragorn. We do not doubt that we shall soon be kneeling before you and offering our fealty." He reached out and clasped Aragorn firmly by the forearm.

"I look forward to that day," Aragorn replied.

Nearby, Treize knelt down to give Alexa a hug. "Remember what Zechs said: do not destroy Elrohir and Elladan. They may be irritating, but they are living creatures, so treat them kindly."

"Does that mean I shouldn't have let Roku wash Elrohir last night?"

Treize blinked. "He washed him?"

"Yeah!" Alexa snickered. "Tiger bath. Took an hour. Elrohir was bright pink all over. Jett and I thought it was pretty funny."

Treize shook his head. "We really have to get Roku to stop doing that."

"He said Elrohir smelled grubby."

"He probably smelled like Elladan."

"Probably. That might be why Roku declared Elladan grubby this morning and started washing him after breakfast."

Treize looked around. Roku was nowhere in sight and neither was Elladan. Elrohir, on the other hand, was hovering behind the White Tree, watching the entrance to the citadel worriedly. "That's odd. You usually don't see those two apart."

"Well," Alexa said, "when Roku pinned Elrohir down last night for his bath, he kept begging Elladan to help him and Elladan just apologized and took off. So I guess Elrohir is paying him back now."

Just then, Elladan burst out of the doors of the citadel. His clothes looked like they had just been thrown on, so flashes of bright pink skin were visible as he stared around wildly for a minute and then dashed over to Elrohir. "Beloved brother!" he exclaimed. "How could you leave me to the unmerciful affections of that handsome creature? My skin is aflame!"

"Alas, dear brother!" Elrohir cried back. "I am ashamed to confess my mortal fear of that rough tongue overwhelmed my deep love for you and caused me to take to my heels! I beg you to forgive my cowardice!"

Elladan threw his arms around Elrohir's neck. "Oh, dearest brother, whose sweet love and handsome countenance fulfill my days and nights, how could I for a moment have blamed you? Did I not just last night abandon you to the same harsh treatment? We are each to blame and so must lavish each other with the deepest affection to earn each other's passionate forgiveness!"

"Even so!" Elrohir responded. "For alas, I suffered as much in my cruel abandonment of you, the heart and soul of my existence, as I did under the rough ministrations of our furred companion! Let us bid our comrades farewell on their fateful journey and then escape to some private place where I might sooth your burning skin with sweet smelling oils applied with the gentlest of caresses."

"Ah, you are so kind to me, dearest Elrohir!" Elladan said lovingly. He took Elrohir's hand and led him over to Aragorn. "Dear cousin, we have the utmost faith in your ultimate victory in the battle you are about to face. We shall await your return among the good people of Gondor, sure in the knowledge that the White Tree shall soon be flowering again."

Aragorn bowed his head. "Your words give me strength and hope, good Elladan. Guard well the daughters of my faithful companions and I pray I will see you again soon."

The elf twins kissed Aragorn on the cheeks and hurried away. But then they shrieked in surprise when they encountered Roku strolling out the citadel entrance licking his whiskers. Desperately, they dashed past him and disappeared into the citadel.

Roku chuckled as he walked up to Quatre. "They weren't really grubby," he said, "they just moaned so pitifully it was fun washing them."

Quatre shook a finger at him sternly, but he was grinning. "That was very naughty of you, Roku."

"It was funny!" Jett declared from where she sat on Heero's shoulders.

"It was pretty funny," Alexa agreed.

"Our children seem to have a wicked streak," Zechs noted.

"Well, it's not because of me," Quatre declared. "I am much too kindhearted to ever harm anyone."

Everyone stared at him.

"I expect agreement!" Quatre added loudly.

"Of course, Quatre!" Trowa said immediately. "You are extremely kindhearted."

"Thank you."

The sun cleared the jagged peaks of the distant mountains, briefly shining below the thick black smoke being spewed out by Mount Doom, and staining the White City red. Legolas shaded his eyes. "The sun beckons us to ride forth," he said. But even as he spoke, it disappeared into the gloom and was lost from sight.

"Yes," Aragorn agreed. "It's time to go."

They mounted their horses and set out for the gates far below. Jett and Alexa took Boromir's hands and the three of them watched the others ride away.

As they rode off, Wu-Fei looked back once. "I wonder what the girls will do while we're gone. It worries me a little bit to leave them with strangers like this."

"I gave them my Chutes and Ladders game," Roku said.

"You mean the one you made at Hogwarts?"

"Yeah. I had to make new people, though."

Wu-Fei blinked. "You mean the miniature people who escaped from the game and started roaming through the school?"

"Uh huh," Roku replied unconcernedly. "But I made extra ones, in case some did escape."

Wu-Fei put a hand over his face. "These things can't reproduce on their own, can they?"

"I don't think so."

"You don't sound positive."

"I never really thought about it."

"Have you ever considered that infesting places with miniature people who like to climb might be a bad thing?"

"We're in a book," Roku said, rolling his eyes. "How bad could it be?"

Wu-Fei shuddered. "Please don't sound so much like Duo when you say that. It sends shivers up my spine."

"I beg your pardon?" Duo said indignantly. "Did I not bang you hard enough last night or something?"

"You banged me quite hard enough, thank you very much."

"Well, good, because if I hadn't, I'm prepared to do it again right now." He lifted his eyebrows at Wu-Fei. "I picked up some very interesting images out of Elladan's mind the other day involving some pretty interesting horseback antics he and Elrohir were doing and it looked kind of fun."

"Horseback antics? I think not."

"How can you say that without even trying?"

"Like this: Not a chance."

"You're no fun."

"I am, too," Wu-Fei said archly. "I just don't want to risk falling off a horse doing something like that."

"But the risk factor enhances the enjoyment!"

"You're nuts!"

At what remained of the front gates, the broken timbers had been reassembled into a movable screen while carpenters worked on repairing the gates themselves. Several citizens pressed into a temporary militia moved the screen so Aragorn's party could ride out. In the fields beyond, neat ranks of soldiers from Rohan and Gondor waited. The Rohirrim, of course, were on horseback, but most of the Gondor soldiers were on foot. Aragorn quickly organized his forces into columns, with the foot soldiers marching ahead of the cavalry so they would not have to breathe as much dust or walk through quite as many horse droppings. When everything was ready, he led the way, with the former members of the Fellowship riding on either side and behind him. Roku walked ahead of the whole group, his tail slowly swishing back and forth.

"So," Treize remarked casually to Quatre, "this tendency of Roku to enjoy licking grown men all over…"

"He's a cat!" Quatre said quickly. "They do that."

"Well, yes, but…"

"And you're one to talk," Quatre pointed out. "The last time I checked, you also enjoy licking a particular grown man all over."

"Very true!" Treize's gaze momentarily went out of focus. Then he shook himself. "But the point I'm trying to make is that he should probably be licking people his own age."

"He's a child!"

"Not really. In tiger years, he's pretty much all grown up. I daresay he could be whatever age he wants to be when he switches to human form. After all, didn't you tell me he turned into a girl once?"

"But he was a little girl!" Quatre exclaimed. "Just like he's still a little boy!"

"At the very least, he's a teenager," Treize said, quite reasonably. "All of our children are growing up extremely fast. In fact, they seem to grow in spurts. Big ones. Have you looked at Jett lately? She's grown a bunch just since we've been here."

"Just what are you getting at?"

"You're in denial, Quatre. Roku needs a boyfriend."

"He does not!"

Treize scratched his head."Although he'd have to be a pretty liberal minded fellow to go out with Roku."

"I would have to agree with Treize," Trowa said to Quatre. "You're as bad as Heero was about Hadeya before Duo laid him."

"Hey, let's not bring that up!" Duo interrupted.

"Are you saying I was a more overprotective parent than Quatre?" Heero demanded. "That is not possible and I refuse to be compared to him."

"Then why did you beat Duo up for fucking him?" Wu-Fei asked with a smirk.

"Could we stop talking about that?" Duo asked plaintively. He threw a worried glance at Heero.

"I do not seem to recall any of these events," Heero said stiffly. "I just beat Duo up on principle. He usually deserves it for one reason or another."

"Well, that's true enough," Wu-Fei agreed.

"But on the topic of Roku dating," Heero continued, "I think we should interview any potential candidates carefully to rule out possible infiltrators and collaborators."

Trowa made a choking sound. "Infiltrators? Are you worried about someone invading our family?"

"We have to be careful," Heero said seriously. He looked around. "You never know when that woman might try to worm her way back into my life. She might send an agent to get our guard down and then stage a full-blown invasion."

"I don't think Relena is that clever," Wu-Fei snickered.

"Don't say that name!"

"Quit running down my sister," Zechs said. "She's a nice girl, if a little misguided for liking you."

"She doesn't like me!" Heero declared. "She just wants to force me to say something nice to her!"

"Oh, heavens!" Wu-Fei laughed. "That might cause your head to explode."

"None of you understand what she put me through!" Heero exclaimed. "She invited me to a party!"

"The fiend!" Treize exclaimed. "And to think, I left her in charge of the Earth Sphere. I'm surprised society still exists."

"But Heero's right about one thing," Quatre said. "We must insist that Roku bring home any potential date so we can meet him. Not just any boy is good enough for my little tiger."

"Oh lord!" Duo put a hand over his face. "He'll never get a date! You people would scare off the devil himself."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Quatre said, sticking his nose in the air. "I only intend to ask about the young man's intentions, upbringing, morals and social-religious belief system."

"And I was only going to ask about his weapon's training, martial arts background, piloting skills and languages spoken," Heero added. "There's nothing intimidating about that."

"Duo's right," Zechs said drily. "Roku is never going to get a date."

Wu-Fei looked straight ahead. "Perhaps you could help by explaining your plan for when Alexa is old enough to date."

"Oh, that's simple," Zechs said. "I have a forty-one page questionnaire for potential dates to fill out. It shouldn't take more than an hour, because some of the questions are applicable to only one sex." He smiled warmly. "I want to leave her options open."

Wu-Fei blinked several times. "What about you, Treize? Do you also have a questionnaire?"

"No. I only have one question that I'll ask. Well, actually it's more of a statement," Treize amended.

"And what might that be?"

"Touch my little girl before she's ready and you die."

"Ah." Wu-Fei rubbed his chin. "Well, now that we've established that Roku and Alexa will be alone their entire lives," he said, "what about Jett, Duo?"

"Oh, I don't expect to have to say anything to her dates," Duo said. "After Heero's training, I expect she'll just slit open anyone who doesn't meet her expectations."

"So maybe rather than questions, a warning might be called for."

Duo waved a hand. "I say let 'em take their chances. What are a few knife wounds if you're serious about a relationship? If I let something like that slow me down, Heero and I wouldn't be as close as we are now."

"That's true," Wu-Fei agreed. "Didn't he knife you the first time you kissed him?"

"Not the first time," Duo chuckled. "I caught him by surprise. It was the second time. But I admit, just to be safe, the first time I banged him, I did it from behind. And I tied his hands."

"You banged Heero?"

"Yeah, I used to do that a lot until I convinced him that we were meant to be together. Then he sort of took over. It's been true love ever since." He beamed at Heero. Heero glared back.

Wu-Fei stared. "So why did you start banging me?"

"Because your butt's so cute!" Duo grinned. "I just can't resist the nicely rounded ones."

"Please don't talk about my butt that way!"

"And the shiny scales just highlight the roundness. Isn't that right, Heero?"

"There is a certain attractiveness to the shapely proportions, firm tone and smooth skin to which the glimmer of the scales adds a noticeable appeal," Heero said with complete seriousness.

Wu-Fei groaned. "Did everyone get a sufficiently detailed visual image of my ass?"

All around, heads nodded.

"Duo's mental projection helped," Trowa added.

"What?"

"Sorry!" Duo held up his hands. "Sometimes the projections just slip out!"

"I'm going to kill you."

"You wouldn't leave Jett an orphan would you?"

"She'll still have the rest of us."

"You can't kill Duo, Wu-Fei," Quatre said calmly. "I'm first in line for killing Duo. No one gets to kill Duo until I do."

"What a minute!" Heero interrupted. "I thought I was first in the kill-Duo line! I've wanted to kill him the longest! I should get to go first!"

"That probably is fair, Quatre," Trowa said.

"So I'm third in line?" Wu-Fei complained. "That doesn't seem right."

"Just accept it, Fei," Trowa said. "When it's time to kill Duo, you have to kill him third."

"Oh, all right."

The army marched until well after sunset and then stopped to eat. But they didn't make camp. They marched all through the night and dawn found them on the hard-packed road leading to the Black Gates. As they came out in front of the towering structures at mid-morning, Zechs whistled appreciatively.

"Those are beautifully constructed!" he exclaimed. "I would love to examine the details of those hinges more closely."

"Later, my love," Treize said. "We have to wipe out the occupants first."

"What a bother!"

Aragorn reined to a halt and stared up at the gates. "Well, there isn't much point in setting up battle lines. We're going to be overwhelmed and surrounded as soon as they open the gates. So, let's put the infantry in the middle and the cavalry on either side and in the rear, since they will have the best mobility."

Eomer stood up in his stirrups and began shouting orders to the horsemen and they rode into position.

Aragorn smiled grimly at Gandalf. "Shall we?"

Gandalf nodded silently and tapped his heels against Shadowfax's sides. They rode forward with Legolas and Gimli beside them. The Gundam pilots trotted along behind them. As they approached the gates, shouts and the cracking of whips echoed down from above and the gates began to creak open. Despite the noise, they slid smoothly over the ground until a separation wide enough to permit a horse had appeared. A single rider rode through and trotted toward them. Gandalf held up a hand and they all stopped to wait for the emissary. The creature who approached was better dressed than an orc, but somehow managed to be uglier, even though they could not see his entire face. He halted a short distance away and grinned.

"What rabble is this?" the emissary hissed condescendingly. "Do you think to faze us with your miniscule numbers?"

"I am here to call Sauron forth!" Aragorn declared loudly. "Let him come out so that justice may be done upon him!"

The emissary threw his head back and laughed. "My master does not heed the orders of some base Ranger from the North!" he barked. "He demands that you return to him what is his and be off! Perhaps he will not grind you underfoot today."

Aragorn smiled fiercely. "Does foul Sauron fear to face me?"

"Sauron fears no man!" the emissary replied loftily. "But he is generous! Leave now and he will spare your cities further slaughter. He will place his own stewards on the thrones of your kingdoms and all will be at peace. But first you must rebuild the tower at Isengard so that a new master may be placed there to rule the lands of the Far West." He touched his chest and smiled. "You will find me a kindly master."

Aragorn started to say something else, but Gandalf held up a hand to silence him. "We did not come here to exchange words with the foul Mouth of Sauron!" Gandalf growled. "The King of Gondor has called him out. Let him cower in his den if he will, but we shall hunt him even there and purge this land of his filth!"

The grin left the emissary's face. "So be it!" he snapped. "When we are feasting on the blood spilling from your crushed and broken bodies, you will not be so arrogant!" Abruptly, Roku leaped at the emissary from the side, knocking him off his horse. Pinned under Roku's big paws, the suddenly terrified creature squealed in fear. "What is this? Call off your beast!"

"I'm no one's beast!" Roku snarled. "And you're just plain annoying." And he bit the emissary's head off.

"That's not normally how one concludes negotiations with an emissary," Aragorn said, but he was grinning broadly.

Roku shrugged. "Sorry, I'm new at this."

"No harm done," Gandalf began, but then the whips began to crack above them and the gates began to move again. "Ah, it seems our young friend's rash act has provoked a response." He turned Shadowfax and led the way back to their forces.

Heero drew his sword happily. "Finally! A decent fight!"

"He says that every time we're faced with overwhelming numbers," Treize noted.

"Oh, that's just because he's glad he doesn't have to hold back and leave any for the rest of us," Trowa said. "Otherwise, Wu-Fei would just complain about him keeping all the best fighters for himself."

"I see. Has anyone ever told you guys that you have issues?"

Trowa chuckled. "Once or twice. But you've got to admit, we're fun at parties!"


	9. Mount Doom

Chapter 9: **Mount Doom**

"I don't think we're any closer to that mountain!" Frodo gasped out. "We've been walking for days!"

"Actually," Hadeya replied calmly, "it's only been two. It's hard to tell with the sun hidden all the time like this."

"That still qualifies as days!" Frodo grumbled. He staggered a little. "This ground is so hard and stony! And the ring is so heavy!" He tugged at the golden chain trailing around his neck. The links had rubbed his skin raw and bloody.

"You're the one who insists on carrying it," Hadeya pointed out reasonably, "so it isn't fair to complain to us about it. And besides, Sam here is carrying pretty much everything else."

"But I don't mind!" Sam said hastily.

"You're a good fellow, Sam," Frodo said. "You've been a great help." He glared at Hadeya.

Hadeya snorted. "I don't know what else you expect from me. I've let you drink most of my water. You refused my offer of the sausages."

"I'm not eating orc guts!" Frodo snapped.

"So quit whining about the care I provide," Hadeya snapped back. "Anyway, haven't you noticed that the ground is rising? We've started up the slope of the mountain."

"Oh!" Sam paused and looked up, wiping his dripping brow. "That would explain why the pack has started to feel so heavy!"

"You should leave it here," Hadeya said. He indicated a gouged depression under a jagged boulder, partially screened by the scraggly remains of a bush. "We can pick it up on the way back."

"What if an orc finds it?" Sam asked worriedly. But he was shrugging out of the pack as he asked.

"Unlikely," Hadeya answered. He waved a hand back toward the way they'd come. "We haven't seen a single orc since we slipped away from the army, and last night it looked like they were marching toward the gate, judging by where the torches were. I think we're completely alone."

Somewhat reluctantly, Sam shoved his pack under the boulder and pushed a few more rocks in around it. "Well, it should be safe enough here." But he looked back once or twice as they resumed their hike up the mountain.

They didn't get far, though. Frodo began reeling after only another half-hour or so of walking and he finally collapsed to his knees, wheezing loudly. "I don't think I can walk any farther!" he gasped. "I'm so tired!"

Hadeya squatted down beside him. "We can stop for a few minutes, but I really don't want to waste the daylight." He dug in the pouch at his waist and held out half of an orc sausage. "Eat this. The protein will help."

Frodo eyed the sausage, looking nauseous. "I couldn't possibly eat that!"

"Oh?" Hadeya waved the bit of food under Frodo's nose. "Do I need to hypnotize you again?"

Frodo swallowed and quickly shook his head. He reached for the sausage.

"You don't have to eat that, Mister Frodo!" Sam exclaimed. "I'm sure I have something better!"

"In the pack you left under the rock back there?" Hadeya inquired pointedly. Sam's mouth fell open. "Just eat it," Hadeya ordered.

Reluctantly, Frodo put the end of the sausage in his mouth and took a bite. He began to chew and his eyes widened in surprise. He swallowed. "This is quite tasty!" he exclaimed in surprise.

"That's what I've been telling you," Hadeya said with faint exasperation. He took out another half-sausage. "You eat this piece, Sam. I don't want you collapsing from hunger either."

With even greater reluctance than Frodo, Sam accepted the bit of sausage and began to eat resignedly.

Frodo finished off his snack quickly and licked the grease off his fingers. "I owe you an apology, Hadeya," he said. "I do feel better. I suppose, in our position, we can't afford to be picky about what we eat."

"As I've said repeatedly." Hadeya stood up. "I want to at least reach that ledge up there before we stop again. If it's close to nightfall, we can sleep there. But we need to keep moving. Our companions will be outside the gates tomorrow and they're going to be outnumbered. We can't leave them in the middle of that fight for too long."

"Agreed." Frodo pushed to his feet. "Come on, Sam. We're on the last leg of our journey. Let's not betray the faith everyone has placed in us."

Sam nodded. He choked down the last of his sausage and the three of them resumed walking.

They made it to the ledge where Hadeya wanted to stop for the night in good time. Frodo shaded his eyes against the glare of the setting sun, which seemed unnaturally bright once it dropped below the thick layer of volcanic smoke, and looked out across the plain. "Is that the Black Tower?" he asked in a weird voice. "I feel like I'm being watched."

"You shouldn't stand out in the open like that," Hadeya answered. "We don't know how sensitive Sauron is to that ring of his."

"Come sit here, Mister Frodo," Sam said. He had smoothed out a patch of sand next to a tall rock.

Frodo sank down in the spot, leaning back against the rock. "Thank you, Sam. I don't know what I would have done without you all this time."

"We'll get through this together, Mister Frodo," Sam replied encouragingly. "You'll see. As soon as we toss that ring into the volcano, we'll get right back home to the Shire. There might even be time to get some winter vegetables in the ground."

Frodo signed. "I don't know, Sam. It's such a long way back and I'm so very tired."

"No depressing talk!" Hadeya grumbled. "People do a better job finishing a task when they're looking forward to doing something else afterward."

"Well, I suppose that's true," Sam said. "It's much easier to get through a day cutting down weeds when you know there's a half-pint waiting for you down at the pub."

"Precisely!" Hadeya got three pieces of sausage out of his pack. "This is the last of our food. Eat it all now and go to sleep. In the morning…"

"The last of our food?" Frodo interrupted with alarm.

"It doesn't matter," Hadeya said. "Look there. We really don't have that much farther to go." Sam and Frodo looked where Hadeya was pointing. A dark crack in the side of the mountain widened to a narrow cave mouth that had been framed in with carved stonework to create a doorway. "I don't want to hit the road too soon," Hadeya continued, "but it shouldn't be that far above us. Lack of water will hurt us more than lack of food, and we're nearly out of that, too. I'm saving what we have left for tomorrow morning. So let's eat and get some rest."

The three of them munched on their sausages slowly, savoring each bite.

"I have to admit," Frodo said as he licked the last traces of grease from his fingers, "these sausages really are quite good. But I wonder; is it hunger or the lack of options that makes it taste good?"

"Probably a little of both," Sam replied. "But I do miss a good loaf of fresh-baked bread."

"With rye seeds embedded in it!" Frodo added dreamily.

Sam closed his eyes. "How about warm from the oven?"

"Or sliced and covered in fresh-churned butter?" Frodo licked his lips. "I barely remember what that tastes like."

"What I miss," Hadeya said, "is fresh goat meat roasted over an open fire and glazed with mead. It burns right into the meat and gives it a wonderfully sweet flavor."

"I don't even know what mead is and that sounds good!" Sam exclaimed.

"With a big wedge of soft white cheese," Hadeya went on after a moment.

"Yeah, cheese!" Frodo agreed. "Creamy and white and maybe with a hint of buttery-ness to it."

"That would taste really good with a thick slice of dark beer bread," Sam put it.

"Absolutely!" Frodo nodded excitedly. "As soon as we get back, that's what I'm having!"

"Me, too!"

Hadeya just smiled. The two hobbits had gone from gloomy to excited and no longer seemed so worn down. They fell asleep still murmuring about what they were going to eat as soon as they were anywhere near a real kitchen. They were still relatively perky the next morning, even though they each got nothing but a mouthful of water for breakfast. Hadeya led the way when they resumed their journey and after only an hour, which included a stiff climb up a scree-covered slope, they came out on the hard-packed clay road leading to the doorway into the mountain.

"At last!" Frodo gasped. "I was starting to think we'd never reach it."

They made much better time walking along the smooth road. Sam and Frodo stumbled along without paying too much attention to where they were going and thus were taken completely by surprise when Gollum suddenly leaped onto Frodo's back from an outcropping of rock next to the road.

"Ah!" Frodo cried. "Get off!"

"Get away from him!" Sam shouted. He charged at the pair and grabbed Gollum around the waist, trying to pull him off. The three of them went down, rolling around in the dust.

Supremely annoyed, Hadeya stomped up and landed a solid kick on the side of Gollum's head. "Do you want me to kill you?" he demanded irritably. "We don't have time for this!"

"It's mine!" Gollum screamed. "My precious! Mine!" His fingers clawed at the front of Frodo's shirt.

The imminent theft of the ring galvanized Frodo. He heaved up, shoving off both Gollum and Sam, and raced away up the road at full speed.

"Dammit!" Hadeya growled. He snatched Gollum off the ground and drop-kicked him over the edge of the road and down the slope of jagged rock. "Let's go, Sam!" And he took off after Frodo.

But Frodo was already dashing through the doorway and into the mountain, his little legs moving in a blur.

"I thought he was fucking exhausted!" Hadeya shouted. "Hurry up, Sam!"

Hadeya ran into the mountain, where he was slammed by a wall of heat. Up until that moment, it had felt hot outside. Now it seemed downright balmy in comparison. The road they were following continued straight ahead, running out onto a spit of rock that jutted out over a deep chasm. Far below, red hot lava flowed and bubbled sluggishly, radiating intense heat. Frodo ran right up to the edge of the overhang and stopped. Then he turned around to face them with a look of triumph on his face.

"It's mine!" he shouted. "If I claim it, no one can take it from me!" Quickly, he snatched the ring out from under his shirt and broke it free of the chain. He held it up for one long moment and then jammed it onto his finger.

"Frodo, you idiot!" Hadeya screamed as Frodo vanished.

"Mister Frodo!" Sam cried.

"Don't let him get past us!" Hadeya called to Sam. He spread out his arms. Sam started to do the same, but cried out and went sprawling when something smacked him from behind. Gollum galloped past him and leaped through the air, landing cleanly on the invisible Frodo. The two rolled over and over on the ground, which looked really odd since only Gollum could be seen, and then Frodo shrieked in agony and reappeared. Gollum jumped to his feet clutching the bleeding stump of Frodo's finger with the ring still on it.

He got to revel in his victory for a good two seconds.

Hadeya stalked up and shoved him off the edge of the cliff without a word.

"It's still mine!" Gollum's victorious wail floated back up.

"Stupid twit!" Hadeya muttered. He looked down at Frodo, who was hunched over on the ground, clutching his bleeding hand. "I bet that's painful."

Frodo stared back up at him. "It's gone!"

"Do you mean the ring or your finger?" Hadeya shrugged. "Because honestly, if you'd just thrown the ring in like you were supposed to do, you wouldn't have lost the finger."

Sam dropped to his knees beside Frodo. "Let me tie my kerchief around that," he said gently. Frodo watched dully as Sam quickly wound his handkerchief around the stump of Frodo's finger, tying it tightly enough to stem the flow of blood.

"That's good enough," Hadeya suggested. "In case you haven't noticed, the volcano is starting to erupt."

"What?"

"This could complicate our return," Hadeya remarked. "But at the very least, let's get outside." He scooped Frodo up and slung him over one shoulder. Then he grabbed Sam around the waist, hugged him against his side like a sack of potatoes, and ran for it. "I just hope Duo hears me!"

Outside the Black Gates, Aragorn drew his sword and faced the enemy with a grim expression. Thousands upon thousands of fighters issued from the wide-open gates, pouring out in a steady flow and slowly surrounding the smaller number of forces at Aragorn's back.

"This is a less-than-optimal situation," Legolas said with a humorless smile. "We may not prevail."

"We just need to give Frodo enough time," Aragorn said. "We know he's almost there. If we fall ensuring his success, so be it."

"No orc will be taking this dwarf's head today," Gimli declared loudly, "and I will take it personally if a certain elf is not alive at the end of the battle to admit I won the body count contest."

"Indeed?" Legolas retorted. "Are we starting fresh or adding on to the last battle? The latter case would give me a decided advantage."

"What?" Gimli huffed. "I need no handicap! We'll add on and I'll still pass your count with room to spare!"

Legolas grinned fiercely. "I accept the challenge!" He drew his long knives. "The slaughter won't be pretty, but it will be quick!"

"Yes!" Gimli agreed with a shout.

Aragorn raised his sword. "For Gondor!" he shouted. "For Rohan and for all free men!" he kicked his horse to a gallop and charged forward. With loud battle cries honoring various countries and deities, the men of Gondor and Rohan charged. The Gundam pilots went to work with nothing more than grim smiles. The orcs rushed forward to meet them and the battle was joined.

It was a wild melee. Hemmed in on all sides, the men of the West fought in small groups, protecting each others' backs. But Aragorn was just everywhere, slashing and hacking with ridiculous abandon.

"Aragorn!" Legolas cried. "Watch yourself!"

"I don't think he's listening," Zechs said. He slit an orc from groin to sternum and kicked the creature away when it looked like his sword might get stuck. "But I don't think you need to worry. It looks like Roku is keeping an eye on him." Even as he said it, Roku leaped onto an orc that was trying to stab Aragorn in the back and bore him to the ground, breaking the orc's neck with a loud crunch of his jaws. "Anyway, I think you should worry less about Aragorn and more about killing orcs. As near as I can tell, Gimli's ahead of you. He had so many dead piled up around him he had to climb over the corpses to get to new opponents."

"What?" Legolas threw a wild glance toward Gimli.

Gimli was indeed standing on a good-sized pile of corpses, but the pile was already heading back toward knee deep as he hacked down orcs and trolls alike with broad swings of his axe.

"Are those creatures incompetent?" Legolas exploded. "They're getting mown down like weeds! What kind of fighting is that?" Furious, he plunged into a thicket of orcs with his arms flying, slashing through bellies and throats as fast as his hands could move.

Zechs chuckled. "Those two are so cute!"

"Who's cute?" Treize said from behind him.

"Legolas and Gimli and their little competition. Do you think they would be upset if they found out Trowa has killed more than both of them combined already? He was just a little frustrated at the last battle. I don't think they've caught up with his total from that battle yet."

"Frustration can do that to you."

"Are you frustrated?" Zechs teased.

"Not anymore! I'm still basking in the memory of last night." Treize gracefully avoided an orc's clumsy thrust, spun lightly on one foot and skewered the orc through the neck.

Without even looking, Zechs sidestepped the fountain of blood that gushed from the creature's throat as it fell. "Do you mind? I don't want orc blood all over my hair."

"Sorry!" Treize grinned. "I'll wash it for you later."

"Is that an unsubtle invitation to get me naked in the bathtub?"

"Not in the least! But if you want me to get you naked in a tub later, I'll be happy to oblige." Treize managed to pat Zechs on the butt without disengaging from his current opponent.

"You're fighting and feeling me up?" Zechs snorted.

"I'm extremely talented," Treize replied airily.

"That sounds like something Trowa would try," Quatre said from nearby.

"He's very talented, too," Treize concurred.

From a little farther off, Wu-Fei snorted in disgust. "That's not talent!" he declared derisively. "When fighting, one should focus all of one's attention on the task at hand. Trying to fondle someone at the same time detracts from the pure beauty of combat. Allow me to demonstrate." He proceeded to hack both arms off of his opponent before slicing the legs from underneath the hapless orc. The now limbless fellow crashed to the ground with an agonized wail. "See? Explain to me how rubbing someone's ass at the same time would enhance the quality of that exhibition."

"Like this," Treize replied calmly. With three smooth steps backward, he flowed up beside Zechs' free side and grabbed him by the crotch. At the same time, he disarmed his opponent, slashed his initials into the orc's chest, and then stabbed him through the right eye. The orc collapsed with only a strangled cry.

"That was kind of pretty," Quatre allowed.

"But moderately distracting," Zechs said. He pushed Treize away with his shoulder. "You made me miss."

"You cut off his sword hand," Treize noted.

"I was aiming for the whole arm."

"Sorry."

"I still say my way is better," Wu-Fei declared.

Heero appeared at Wu-Fei's elbow. "Hardly," he interrupted. "Look at all that wasted effort. All four limbs? Please. That's the definition of overkill. If you want to kill efficiently, go for the head. Headless warriors generally quit fighting right away, allowing you to move on quickly to the next opponent." While he was talking, Heero methodically dispatched six orcs with his preferred method of beheading.

Wu-Fei scowled. "I suppose beheading is more efficient, but it just seems so... pedestrian."

Duo trotted up. "You get better spurt with beheading."

"I thought we were just trying to kill people," Zechs said, "not make art."

"The true artist finds beauty in everything," Treize said.

"Have you heard from Hadeya, Duo?" Quatre asked.

"Yup. They're almost there. We just need to keep fighting for a little while longer."

The shriek of a Nazgul overhead made them all look up.

"Shit!" Duo cried. "We need air power, Quatre! Roku's busy making sure Aragorn doesn't get killed."

"Right." Quatre jumped into the air, shimmering into the form of a dragon in mid- leap. The powerful downstroke of his wings knocked everybody down. He quickly gained altitude above the nearest Nazgul and then dove down on top of the leathery-winged beast, ripping it apart. Its cloaked rider tumbled off its back and fell toward the ground with a shriek. Wu-Fei caught it with a blast of fire before it hit the ground.

"That was effective," Trowa said. "And look. We have more help." In the sky above them, a flight of giant eagles was dropping out of the clouds, taking on the other Nazgul.

Quatre swooped back down and landed with a thump before resuming his own form. "Man, if they'd shown up sooner, I wouldn't have had to do that. I always worry I'll grow scales like Wu-Fei if I spend too much time in that form."

"What's wrong with scales?" Wu-Fei demanded with a glare.

"This from the man who whines like a little kid when he's shedding?"

"I do not whine!"

Everyone stared wordlessly at Wu-Fei.

"I don't!" Infuriated, Wu-Fei promptly beheaded the troll he was fighting.

"See?" Heero said smugly. "Everyone prefers beheading."

"Augh!" Wu-Fei cried.

Roku galloped up. "Hey, does anyone else hear the rumbling?"

"What rumbling?" Quatre began and the ground started shaking. "Earthquake?"

"Look at the tower!" Gandalf cried, holding his sword and staff aloft. "The Ringbearer has fulfilled his quest!"

Everyone looked as the shaking became more violent; and as they watched, the tower began to crumble, great chunks of stone falling away from its sheer sides. Then, like a child's hand sweeping through a stack of toy blocks, the tower exploded sideways into fragments. A shout of triumph rose up from the assembled Men of the West, but it turned almost immediately to cries of fear and dismay as the shockwave of the tower's destruction sent them sprawling.

And then the volcano exploded.

"Frodo!" Aragorn cried out.

"Wait a minute! Everybody shut up!" Duo scrunched his eyes shut, listening hard. "Hadeya says they could use some help!" He turned his head toward Roku and Quatre without opening his eyes. "They're _here_!"

"Ouch!" Quatre exclaimed. "Do you have to jam those images in so hard? Come on, Roku."

"Yes, Mama."

Together, Roku and Quatre leaped into the air and became dragons. They disappeared into the ash cloud almost immediately.

"We should get away from here," Treize said. "The gates are collapsing, which seems to indicate that all the land around here is becoming unstable."

"Yes," said Aragorn, "but what of Frodo and the others?"

"Roku can find us wherever we are," Trowa said. "I agree with Treize. Let's retreat. We seem to have won the battle by default anyway, since the late Sauron's forces are running away."

"A valid point," Aragorn nodded, smiling slightly. "Fall back!" he shouted. "Let's regroup farther away!" The retreat was relatively orderly, despite the shaking ground and the straggling remains of the enemy soldiers. When they had gotten beyond the area where the ground was cracking and caving in, Aragorn called a halt. "Let's wait here," he said. "I am anxious to learn the fate of our comrades."

"They're fine, mostly," Duo said. "They got up on a tall rock and only got a little singed by the lava. In fact..." he paused. "Hadeya says he can see Roku."

Not too long after that, Roku and Quatre appeared in the sky above them.

Aragorn shaded his eyes, looking up anxiously, "I don't see the others!" he exclaimed.

The two dragons banked in for neat landings and returned to their preferred shapes.

"Where are Frodo and Sam?" Gandalf exclaimed, his face going ashen. He smacked a fist against his leg. "I should have gone with the eagles to get them!"

"Don't get your panties in a bunch," Roku said. He stuck his nose under his left front leg and, one by one, pulled Hadeya, Sam and finally Frodo out of his storage space. Sam's eyes were round with shock, but Frodo's were dulled by pain.

"Frodo!" Gandalf cried. "What happened?"

Hadeya wrinkled his nose. "He lost it at the end and Gollum bit his finger off to get the ring back. But..." He patted Frodo on the back. "Except for that one lapse, he did a great job. That was an excellent quest. The heroes of Valhalla would approve. They would be especially fond of the daring, last minute rescue. I'll have to compose an epic poem to recite the next time I go visit."

"I didn't know you wrote epic poems," Quatre said.

"Well, sure," Hadeya replied with a shrug. "What else is a demigod going to do with all the free time immortality provides? You can't eat, drink and fuck all the time."

"I bet Duo would try," Wu-Fei muttered.

"Hey!"


	10. Victory!

Chapter 10: **Victory!**

The return journey to Minas Tirith was a cheerful one, despite Frodo's missing finger. They hurried back to the city because no one was particularly inclined to celebrate their victory in the wastelands near Mordor. The entire city turned out onto the plains of Pellenor to greet them, forming a long aisle for them to ride down that stretched for nearly a mile from the city gate.

"How did they know to expect us?" Gimli wondered aloud. "Or that we had won?" He peered at the crowds from behind Legolas' back on the horse they shared.

"The victory, I think," Legolas said thoughtfully, "may have been communicated by the lifting of the heavy weight of doom from everyone's heart. But as to our return, perhaps we should look to our companion, Duo, for that explanation."

Riding nearby, Duo shrugged. "I didn't tell anyone, but Jett always knows where I am, so she probably figured out we were on our way back and when we'd get here."

"Ah, that makes sense," Legolas nodded.

The first person to greet them was Boromir with a wide smile on his face, sitting on his horse in the middle of the lane formed by the crowds. "My friends!" he cried as soon as they were within earshot. "The whole world cries your names with joy! Welcome home!"

"Thank you, Boromir." Aragorn rode up to him and they clasped forearms. "Our victory was never assured, but the Ringbearer fulfilled his quest and Sauron is no more."

"That is the welcome news I expected to hear," Boromir replied. "For on the day that the volcano erupted, instead of dread and despair, a sense of wonder and release swept over every living being. We knew some momentous and wonderful thing had happened, and could only assume that Sauron's fall was the cause."

"And so it was," Aragorn said. He stood up and surveyed the people massed on the plains. "It would seem that the whole city is emptied."

"Nearly so," Boromir agreed. He turned his horse. "Every person except the most gravely injured wanted to stand where he or she might set eyes on you on this day of ultimate victory. Shall we proceed?"

"Yes." Aragorn nudged his horse back to a walk and Boromir rode beside him. The former members of the Fellowship came next and the Gundam pilots trotted after them. The massed forces of Gondor and Rohan marched behind. As they passed along that aisle of humanity, the cheers were nearly deafening. Nevertheless, Jett's shout easily surpassed it all.

"Momma!"

Several people near the little girl clapped their hands over their ears.

Jett and Alexa were standing near the gate with Elrohir and Elladan, but the two girls quickly abandoned their chaperones to run out into the aisle to greet their parents.

"Momma!" Jett repeated at a more reasonable volume. "You're back!"

"Indeed I am, little one!" Duo leaned down and caught Jett by the hand, pulling her up in front of him.

She gave him a big hug. "I was worried, Momma. Did you fight good?"

"Yes, I fought _well_," Duo corrected and Wu-Fei nodded approvingly.

Jett wrinkled her nose.

Alexa did not wait for Zechs to pull her up. She took a running jump and clambered her way up, using his leg and the saddle to climb. She squirmed into place in front of him. "We've been good," she declared.

Zechs lifted any eyebrow. "Oh? I question that this is the first thing you choose to tell me." He glanced at the twins. "They do seem unharmed, however."

"Oh, they're fine!" Alexa waved a dismissive hand in the twins' direction. "We left them alone most of the time so they could snog. You wouldn't believe how many little secret passages there are in this city. We found one that went from the back of the royal crypt all the way up into the mountains. It was really cool. It was all dark and twisty and full of cobwebs and bugs and stuff. We decided to come back down the outside of the cliff rather than go back that way when we got to where it ended." She giggled. "That was pretty funny because when we came sliding down the rocks onto the top of the citadel, Boromir nearly had kittens! He yelled at Elrohir and Elladan for an hour for not keeping a better eye on us."

Zechs shook his head. "Please tell me that was the worst thing you did."

"Oh, um, yes!" Alexa said brightly. "It was."

Zechs sighed.

Alexa quickly changed the subject. "Hey, Hadeya! You're back!"

"Yes," Hadeya said. "We completed the quest successfully. Unfortunately, Frodo lost a finger at the end."

"Did you keep it? I bet Roku could put it back on."

"I daresay he could have, but it fell in the lava."

"Too bad."

"These things happen. But now I'm ready for a long hot bath, a good meal and some drunken debauchery." Hadeya grinned at Alexa. "There's nothing like a satisfying quest to bring out the Norse in me."

"You should let Elrohir and Elladan attend you," Alexa snickered. "I bet they would be happy to take care of all your needs."

"And who might they be?"

"Elrond's sons. They can be annoying, but I bet they know how to show a demigod a good time."

"Alexa!" Zechs interrupted. "Where do you get such ideas? That is hardly the sort of recommendation I want to hear being offered up by my innocent little girl."

Alexa lifted an eyebrow at him. "Mommies who want their little girls to stay innocent should not be so immodest when it comes to trying to get laid by their little girls' daddies."

Treize burst out laughing.

Zechs glared at him. "What are you laughing at?"

"I didn't say it!" Treize choked out.

As the returning army wound up into the city, more people lined the streets, waving and cheering. Although the city had taken some damage during the fighting, enough of the rubble had been cleared to make room for all of the warriors within the city's walls. Buildings that had once been homes or businesses were pressed into service as stables for the extra horses. Water was carried from cisterns in buckets by happy citizens to fill water troughs where the pumps that would normally have filled them were broken. While most of the Rohirrim stayed in the lower levels of the city, Gondor's soldiers went to their own homes or barracks. But Aragorn and his party rode all the way to the top of the city to the citadel, where eager servants quickly took them in hand. Hot baths were waiting for all of them, but Frodo was not ready to celebrate with the others. Bathed and changed into fresh clothes, with his wounded hand neatly bandaged, Frodo went to bed right away in a comfortably appointed room.

Sam looked in on him after his own bath, but Frodo was already sound asleep. "I hope Mr. Frodo will be all right," he murmured.

"He'll be fine, Sam," Merry said. He looked none the worse for his encounter with the Witch King of the Nazgul. He and Pippin stood beside Sam, also peeking through the door at Frodo.

"But he hardly spoke at all on the way back," Sam said. "And he looked so tired."

"From what little you've told us," Pippin said, "that was a terribly hard journey. He needs rest. Let's leave him be for now."

Sam quietly closed the door. "You're right, I suppose."

"Come on!" Pippin caught Sam by the hand. "Let's go eat! There's to be a feast, with ale aplenty!"

Sam perked up. "Real food!" he exclaimed reverently. "Mr. Frodo wouldn't begrudge me that!" The three hobbits scurried away.

As the hobbits disappeared from sight, Gandalf and Aragorn stepped into view.

"Will you be joining us at the celebration, Gandalf?" Aragorn asked.

Gandalf shook his head. "I want to sit with Frodo. He has risked much and lost much because I was too much of a fool to recognize what Bilbo had before it fell to Frodo. I want to be there when he wakes up."

"I understand." Aragorn patted Gandalf on the shoulder. "But we would not have made it to this point without you, Gandalf. Don't forget that."

"I won't." Gandalf went into Frodo's room and closed the door quietly.

Aragorn followed the path taken by the hobbits. At length he came to a long banquet hall with tall windows looking out across the plains. Below, lanterns sparkled in the city, with here and there large bonfires lighting spots were revelers rejoiced in the salvation of the world. Long tables ran the length of the hall with benches on either side. Lamps in sconces along the inside wall and chandeliers hanging from the ceiling filled the room with brilliant light, shining down on the happy faces of the celebrants. A cheer rang out when Aragorn entered.

Gimli, already well into his cups, surged to his feet. "Aragorn! Once a mere ranger and now a king among men! Come and lift a tankard with me, friend!"

"It will be my pleasure, Gimli!" Aragorn said. He squeezed in between Gimli and Legolas and accepted the brimming tankard Gimli shoved into his hand. "To Gondor!" Aragorn cried, lifting the tankard.

"To Gondor!" echoed a universal roar.

Dozens of tankards were upended and the contents drained.

"More ale!" Gimli cried.

Grinning servants rushed up and down the table, filling cups. Other servants brought platter after platter of food. Roasts of beef, pork and mutton were brought, along with roasted whole chickens, ducks and geese. Tureens of boiled potatoes; leak and onion pies; pot pies with crispy tops and flaky bottoms stuffed with diced vegetables and gravy were brought out by the dozen. Countless loaves of soft white bread, sharp rye bread and thick black bread were piled on plates next to bowls of churned butter and currant jelly. There was fresh milk by the gallon for those who weren't drinking ale. All in all, it was a most exceptional feast and everyone ate like they had not had any decent food for months, which was pretty much true for most of them.

Sam ate like he'd never seen food at all.

Watching him, Eomer shook his head appreciatively. "That young hobbit is doing more damage to the table than many a larger man," he remarked. "His task has left him empty beyond words, it would seem."

"From what I was getting from Hadeya while they were traveling," Duo replied, "they didn't eat particularly well toward the end."

"I've no doubt of that," Eomer said.

Hadeya swept into the room looking extremely clean and very satisfied. "I smell ale!"

"Come sit here, nephew!" Duo called out. He patted the place on the other side of him from Eomer. "I've been saving you a tankard."

"Which is to say, he's been making sure to get it refilled every time he empties it," Eomer laughed.

Duo grinned. "I didn't want it to get stale waiting for him."

"Of course not!" Hadeya chuckled. He plopped down and picked up the tankard. "To Gondor!" he intoned and emptied the tankard in one long pull.

"To Gondor!" several voices chorused and more tankards were drained. "More ale!"

Hadeya waved his empty tankard, too.

Duo leaned closer. "Are Elrohir and Elladan conscious?"

"Yes." Hadeya snagged a roast chicken and started eating it whole. "They'll be along in a minute. They were having trouble walking."

Duo stared. "How hard did you bang them?"

"Now, now, Uncle Duo," Hadeya admonished him. "I do not bang and tell."

"I could just pick it out of your head, you know."

"That would be impolite."

Just then, the twin elves shuffled into the room. They were leaning on each other and walking very stiffly. They made it as far as Legolas before they sank down at the table. Legolas squished over to make room for them.

"You are most kind, cousin," Elrohir rasped out. "Although, in all honesty, I am not sure I can sit without a cushion beneath me."

"Nor I, neither," Elladan groaned. The two elves sat rather primly on the edge of the bench. "It seemed at first an excellent idea to attend that handsome young stranger in the bath, for he has such lovely hair that washing and braiding it seemed a wonderful idea."

"Even so," Elrohir agreed. "I remember some of our brethren speaking of him after we missed seeing you at Rivendell and I was glad for the chance to make up for that regret. But neither of us ever thought he would have such raw seductive power! Alas!" He turned to his brother with a stricken look. "Never would I have thought that any man but my dearest brother could draw such unrestrained cries of pleasure from my throat! But yet, I was helpless before his immeasurable masculine power!"

"Do not blame yourself, dearest brother!" Elladan replied. "I was no better than you; for did I now writhe upon the bed crowing with helpless pleasure beneath him? Oh, alas! That I should feel such scorching ecstasy at the hands of another!"

The two handsome elves clasped hands and leaned together, their foreheads touching.

Everyone else rolled their eyes.

"You should have banged them harder, Hadeya," Treize grumbled. "They can still talk."

"I wasn't using their mouths."

"Maybe you should have."

"There are children present," Quatre interrupted pointedly.

"We'll let you know when they get to something we've never heard before," Alexa said over a mouthful of roast duck.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Zechs said absently.

"You're not going to admonish her for the remark?" Trowa chuckled.

"It's hard to argue with the truth. Your conversation is frequently in the gutter."

"That's not true for all of us," Wu-Fei said.

"Playing the straight man for their filthy talk still makes you a part of it."

"I do not play the straight man!"

"Well, that's true," Duo said. "He hasn't been straight for years."

"Shut up!"

Boromir entered with Eowyn leaning on his arm. The soon-to-be-crowned Queen of Rohan was pale, but she smiled happily. Faramir walked on her other side. He looked almost his old self, except that he was walking very slowly.

"My friends!" Aragorn cried when he saw them. He went to meet them, kissing Eowyn on the cheek and clasping Faramir by the arm. "I was loath to leave you while you were still recovering from the black breath of the Nazgul, but the necessity of war dictated my actions."

"Do not dwell on it," Faramir said. "The outcome of these long years of trial is everything that we had hoped for and I have no regrets."

Quatre leaned toward Duo. "Do you suppose he included his father's very helpful suicide among the things he hoped for?" he whispered.

Duo just chugged his ale and didn't answer.

"I think that means yes," Trowa murmured.

"Faramir and his father did not have the best relationship," Pippin added quietly. "It was really rather sad."

"So he's probably better off," Quatre said. "Neither of them seems to miss him very much."

Indeed the two sons of the late Steward of Gondor kept smiling at each other all through the meal.

Seated next to Aragorn, Eowyn ate delicately. "I look forward to hearing the full details of your final, epic battle," she said. "Is it true that one of your companions suffered an injury at the end?"

"It is true," Aragorn replied gravely, "but the greater injury may be the long months during which the ring was in his possession. It has left a deep mark on him that only years will erase, I fear."

"Speaking of the ring, Hadeya," Treize said, "did it ever trouble you?"

"No." Hadeya swallowed a mouthful of the mutton leg he was now working on. "Initially, I couldn't hear it at all. Once we got into Mordor, it got quite a bit louder and I could hear it nattering on about giving me the power to rule the world. It was really quite irritating because sometimes it made it hard to hear Uncle Duo. If you ask me, it was a pretty stupid object. If its goal was to reunite with Sauron, you would think it would focus on giving bad directions to lead us into Sauron's clutches, rather than offering itself up like a cheap whore to anyone who felt like sticking a finger in it."

Boromir made a choking sound. "A cheap whore? The One Ring?"

Lifting his whiskers out of a bowl of milk, Roku spoke up. "I'm pretty sure I could make one of those things, if you still really want one, Mr. Boromir."

"I do not think that would be a good idea," Aragorn said.

"Your offer is kindly made, young Roku," Boromir said, "but little good has come of rings of power in this world, so perhaps it is better to let them pass away."

"Ok." Roku stopped a passing servant. "May I have some raw meat, please?"

The servant blinked. "There might be a side of beef in the larder."

"That will do."

"Roku," Quatre said. "You've already eaten two beef roasts."

Roku shrugged. "They were cooked. Now I want something raw. Raw meat is yummy."

"You're such a cat, Roku," Trowa chuckled. "But didn't you already take a bath? You'll get filthy again if you eat a side of beef."

"There's more bath water." Roku licked his chops. "I'll take a bath with Eomer. He still smells like a horse."

Eomer paled.

"I really don't think that horse smell comes off the Rohirrim," Trowa cautioned, but he was grinning with amusement.

"I bet I could get it off."

"Perhaps I should point out that he needs his skin."

"People pay good money on Mars for exfoliation treatments."

"Maintaining a healthy layer of old skin cells might be a cultural thing."

"Miss Eowyn doesn't have a layer of old skin cells. She doesn't smell like a horse, either."

Trowa turned to Eomer with a shrug. "Sorry, my friend, I tried."

"You realize now that you've warned him, he'll just run away," Duo said.

"That's ok," Roku licked his chops again. "I like hunting and chasing. I can bring him back in my storage space."

Eomer sat back, gripping the edge of the table with shaking hands.

Gimli thumped him on the back. "Seems unfair that you should survive three of the greatest battles in the history of Middle Earth only to be felled by the affections of a beastly companion." He swigged his ale. "We will remember you fondly."

"But why me?" Eomer gasped out rather plaintively. "There are horsemen aplenty as manly as I am. Why must I be the one he afflicts?"

"It probably has to do with your scent," Treize said. "Animals are very scent-driven."

"But, but…"

"That's very true," Zechs said. "I have noticed that about Roku in the past. It colors his behavior even when he is in human form."

"Well, he is really a tiger by birth," Treize responded.

"Even so," Zechs nodded. "It's quite interesting, if you think about it."

"Yes, it is."

"It is not interesting!" Eomer exclaimed. "I don't want to be licked raw again!"

"I don't know…" Zechs smiled languidly, stroking his fingers up through his hair and letting it trail back down over his shoulder in a shimmering wave. Everyone who was looking stopped what they were doing and stared. He dipped his head and gazed seductively through his bangs at Eomer. "It depends entirely on where one is being licked, I would think."

Eomer's mouth fell open.

"Quit flirting with my bath partner, Uncle Zechs," Roku growled. He pounced onto his newly arrived side of beef with his claws out.

"I agree," Treize said. "If you need someone to lick you in the bath, you needn't look very far."

"I wasn't suggesting that I needed licking," Zechs purred. He tipped his head to the side and his smile widened.

Treize smiled back. "Of course you weren't."

Alexa rolled her eyes. "My earlier point is totally proved," she muttered.

Sitting nearby quaffing a tankard of ale, Pippin leaned toward Wu-Fei. "What's wrong with Heero?" he asked. "He hasn't said a word all evening."

"Oh, he's just depressed," Wu-Fei said.

"Depressed? Why?" Pippin stared curiously at Heero. "Did something bad happen during the battle?"

"Yeah, it ended." Wu-Fei snickered.

"But…" Pippin scratched his head. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"It is for normal people."

"Quit talking about me!" Heero grumbled. "I'm not depressed. I'm just thinking that with a little more time, we could have wiped out that orc army. Frodo should have waited a few more minutes before he threw the ring in the volcano."

Wu-Fei blinked. "Did you miss the part where Gollum bit off his finger and fell in?"

"I thought Hadeya pushed him in," Trowa said.

"He had it coming," Hadeya retorted.

"All I'm saying is we were about to turn the tide," Heero continued irritably.

"We were outnumbered about twenty to one," Wu-Fei pointed out.

"I know!" Heero exclaimed. "With odds that low, our victory was inevitable!"


	11. Coronation

Chapter 11: **Coronation**

"Aragorn really got hammered last night," Trowa said. "Do you suppose he's awake yet?" he looked out the window at the rising sun, which was staining the horizon a beautiful shade of red through the lingering smoke from the volcano.

Quatre stuck his head out from under the coverlet. "He isn't the only one who got hammered last night," he grumbled. "My butt hurts!"

Roku bounded into the room, "Mama, get up! Mr. Aragorn is getting crowned today! I've never been to a coronation. I want to get there early so we get a good spot." He jumped on the bed and snatched the coverlet off with his teeth. "Papa Trowa didn't pound you any harder than usual. Get up!"

Quatre groaned and held up a finger. "First of all, you should not be discussing the quality of my sexual encounters," he said sternly. "And second," he stuck up another finger, "he's a lot worse when he ties me up."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Roku said. "You like getting tied up. Put some clothes on! Let's go!"

Trowa laughed. "You may as well get up, Quatre."

"I'm up!" Quatre groaned. He sat up and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I need to wash before I dress."

"They've got hot water all ready," Roku said. "Just ring for it." He leaped off the bed. "I'm going to get everyone else up." He trotted out and the door swung shut behind him of its own accord.

"I thought we were past the stage where our child woke us at the crack of dawn," Quatre grumbled. He crawled to the edge of the bed. "I'm sure Aragorn's got a place for us right at the front. I really don't think it's necessary to get up this early."

"But we're awake now, so we may as well get up." Trowa walked over to the bell pull and tugged on it. Moments later, someone knocked on the door. Trowa peeked out, since he was still naked. "Can we get some hot water for our bath?"

"At once, sir."

Trowa grinned at Quatre. "I kind of like getting waited on like this."

"Don't get used to it." Quatre swung his legs out of bed. "Once we get back to Mars, I expect you to start cleaning the bathroom again."

Trowa laughed. "Right!"

After a quick bath, the pair ventured out to find the others. They found some of them gathered in a small dining room where a buffet breakfast was set out. Heero and Wu-Fei were there, along with Alexa, Jett and Treize.

"Where's everybody else?" Quatre asked. He immediately poured himself a mug of black tea and downed half of it.

"Roku's fetching them," Treize chuckled. "He seems to think we'll miss something if we're not the first ones there."

"So how come you're here but not Zechs?"

"He'll be along," Treize said with a faint smile. "He wanted to spend a little more time on his appearance."

"He's not supposed to outshine the guest of honor."

"That's not his plan." Treize's grin widened. "He just wants to look better than the elves."

"I didn't realize he was that vain."

"You have no idea."

Trowa looked around after getting himself some tea, since Quatre didn't offer to pour any for him. "Where's Duo?"

Heero made a face. "That lecherous wretch spent the night with Hadeya. He claimed Hadeya was still needy."

"He is a love goddess' child," Trowa pointed out. "One imagines, now that he is sexually active, that a dearth of regular fulfillment would hit him rather hard."

"That's no excuse!" Heero exclaimed. "There are people aplenty in the citadel for Hadeya to fuck. Duo doesn't always have to be so eager to fill in."

"How sweet! You're jealous!" Duo's voice sparkled with amusement. He stood in the doorway with Hadeya, who finally looked completely relaxed.

"I'm not jealous!" Heero declared. "I just don't need you to corrupt my son any more than you already have."

"Must I point out that I was not the one who deflowered him?" Duo replied loftily. "And anyway, Hadeya's a grown man. He can fuck whoever he pleases." He patted Hadeya on the arm. "Is that breakfast? I'm hungry!"

Roku trotted into the room. "Ok! Zechs is on his way. Now we can go get the best seats for the coronation."

"I believe we will be standing for the ceremony," Treize said. "I heard it's to be outside on the front steps."

"That makes sense," Trowa said. "You can fit a lot of people in that courtyard."

"But I want to be in the very front!" Roku said firmly.

"I think," Zechs purred as he glided into the room, "a tiger will get to stand pretty much wherever he pleases." He flowed to a stop, tipped his head slightly to the side and down, and smiled through his bangs. "Wouldn't you agree?"

For a moment everyone just stared. Zechs' silvery-blond hair was brushed so smooth it glimmered like polished metal. He was impeccably dressed in a snow white suit with blue piping on the pant legs, a white silk shirt, an embroidered waistcoat, a satin lined tailcoat with wide lapels and a blue silk bow tie. The silver leaves embroidered on his waistcoat wrapped around flowers sewn in a blue thread the same color as Zechs' eyes. The outfit was tailored to fit his trim figure exactly, allowing the firmness of his taut physique to be plainly discerned.

Treize swallowed. "Where did you get that suit?" he rasped out.

"Roku made it for me." Zechs put a hand on his waist and stuck his hip out. "Do you like it?"

"It's… stunning."

Zechs smiled warmly. "That's the response I was hoping for."

"Wait a minute!" Quatre held up a hand. "Roku made it?" He turned to the young tiger, who was investigating the breakfast buffet. "When did you learn to sew?"

"Sew?" Roku gave him a look. "I just got it out of my storage space."

"I don't recall you mentioning a suit for Zechs the last time you went through your inventory."

"Because it wasn't in there then."

"What?"

Roku sat down on his haunches. "Sometimes stuff doesn't turn up in my storage space until I need it."

Quatre pressed a palm against his forehead. "Are you telling me that you can get anything you want out of your storage space?"

"Well, not anything," Roku said. "There are limits."

"Name one."

"Well, I don't think I could get a planet out of there. At least it would be really hard. Well, anyway, it would be complicated, because I'd have to be in the middle of an empty space big enough to hold a whole planet without causing weird gravitational effects that would suck in stuff nearby and maybe wreck a perfectly good section of space. Although," he continued thoughtfully, "I suppose if I pulled it out while doing a translocation spell, I could move it to an appropriately empty piece of space, but translocating something that big would probably have other weird side-effects in the sub-atomic physics realm, because space isn't really empty, you know, so a whole bunch of stuff would get instantaneously displaced, which would probably cause a pressure shockwave that would expand infinitely until it ran into other stuff, and if it was a really big shockwave, it would probably sweep up other matter and turn into a big space tsunami that might cause stars to wobble in their orbits, which would be really bad because wobbling stars shoot out high-energy particles that can make more pressure waves, so in the end it would be like throwing a big stone into a pond full of floating lighthouses. They'd slosh all around and some might get tipped over and go out." He paused. "So, yeah, there are limits."

Dead silence greeted the end of his speech.

"Um, Quatre?" Duo finally said. "I'm pretty sure we've discussed not asking Roku for technical details about his storage space."

"Yeah," Quatre nodded weakly. "My bad."

Wu-Fei cleared his throat. "Let's eat and go see who else is here. I bet a lot of elves will show up."

"Great idea!" Everyone agreed a little too heartily. So they finished off everything on the buffet and wandered out into the citadel. They hadn't been walking long when Aragorn came dashing around a corner and collided with Heero and Wu-Fei, who were walking in front.

"Hide me!" Aragorn gasped. "Quick!"

"Who's after you?" Heero snapped. His hands moved and suddenly he was holding a pair of knives. "Is it orc spies?"

"Oh, please!" Duo waved a hand. "Like Aragorn would run from that."

"It's worse!" Aragorn exclaimed desperately.

Just then, three elves stepped around the corner. They fixed identical dark eyes on Aragorn and clasped their hands delightedly.

"Oh, Lord Aragorn! We've found you!" one exclaimed. "You were right, Aja! He did come this way."

"How could I not instinctively be drawn to the deep well of manliness that is Lord Aragorn, Asa?" Aja replied reverently.

"That is so true!" the third elf, Ata, exclaimed. "For in truth, while he rivals the elves for beauty, he exceeds them in sheer manliness."

"Like that's hard!" Heero muttered. He put his knives away.

"Lord Aragorn," Asa continued. "We have little time! We must prepare you for your coronation. You must be bathed and oiled!"

"Your nails must be trimmed and polished!" Aja added.

"And your hair must be brushed and braided!" Ata concluded. "There's no time to waste! Come! Let us get started!"

Aragon stared imploringly at the Gundam pilots.

"Sorry, Aragorn," Heero said. "You're just going to have to take it like a man."

"Please!" Aragorn pleaded.

Alexa grinned and caught Jett's hand. "We'll come watch, Mr. Aragorn. We'll make sure they don't get too out of control and braid ribbons into your hair or something."

"What's wrong with ribbons?" Aja asked.

Alexa sighed. "Have you already forgotten the part where you mentioned his manliness? How manly is he going to look with little pink ribbons and bows in his hair?"

"We weren't going to use pink," Aja said quickly.

"I notice you did not dismiss the bows."

"Bows are pretty," Asa said.

"Especially with lace," Ata added.

Alexa shook her head firmly. "No bows. No lace. No ribbons. I'll allow one tasteful dyed leather tie."

"Leather?" Aja wailed. "That's so… so…"

"It's that or nothing," Alexa replied. She took Aragorn's hand. "I can see I shall have to keep a sharp eye on these three." She led Aragorn away and the tall ranger went without further complaint, apparently willing to place his entire safety in the hands of a little girl whose head just topped the middle of his chest. The three elves trailed after, still pleading the case for black silk ribbons.

"If those three are here," Wu-Fei said, "Elrond must be here."

"Most likely," Trowa agreed. "Shall we look for him?"

"Why not?"

They found Elrond, along with a host of other elves, in the throne room. From the look of him, his triplet attendants had already had their way with him. His elegant long hair was intricately braided and woven with silk ribbons of gold, silver and forest green. He had a small gold circlet resting on his head and was dressed in flowing robes of white and gold, with green and deep red embroidery on the trim. His fingernails were polished.

"Lord Elrond," Treize greeted him graciously. "It is good to see you again."

"Lord Treize." Elrond inclined his head. "I am glad to see you all survived the conflict unscathed."

"We thrive on battle," Zechs said from beside Treize, his voice a silken purr.

Elrond blinked once. "Ah, indeed. The rigor of battle is, for some, the chance to thrive."

"Oh, Lord Zechs!" Several elves crowded around, their androgynous good looks put to the test by Zechs' radiant appearance.

"We've missed seeing you!" one elf gushed. "Your beauty is undimmed by the harsh ferocity of combat."

"It is so hard to imagine you wielding a sword like any common man!" exclaimed another.

Treize looped an arm through Zechs'. "My companion and I would be more than happy to give you a demonstration of swordsmanship," he said.

Squeals of delight greeted this statement. "Oh, my! Would you?"

Heero frowned. "I thought the elves fought in the last battle against Sauron," he said. "But this lot makes it sound like they've never picked up a sword."

"Many elves did fight in that battle," Elrond said, "but many of the veterans have already gone to the Undying Lands."

"You mean they ran off to avoid getting dragged into another battle?" Heero demanded. His brow furrowed disapprovingly.

"It was a long time ago," Elrond explained. "They were starting to feel their years."

"But weren't you there?"

"Yes, I was," Elrond said gravely. "But it was my duty to see this through to the end. Now that it is over, I, too, shall travel to the Undying Lands to spend my remaining years in peace."

Heero rubbed his chin. "Your remaining years? Wouldn't that be forever? I think I would rather die in battle than spend eternity sitting on my butt with nothing to look forward to but endless peace. They're doing it right over in Valhalla with a big battle every day."

"I'm sure Odin would love to have you back," Hadeya said. "Everyone still talks about how lively things got when you were there."

"We caused Ragnarok," Wu-Fei said, staring pointedly at Quatre.

"That was definitely exciting," Trowa remarked.

Quatre glared at him.

"In any event, Elrond," Heero continued, "I think you should stay in Middle Earth. I'm sure it will be disgustingly peaceful here for years now that the main threat has been removed."

"Well, that's probably true," Elrond agreed, "but a lot of my friends have already left. Very soon, in another couple of decades probably, the way to the Undying Lands will close and anyone remaining here will be trapped forever."

"Trapped in Middle Earth with a bunch of humans, elves, dwarves, hobbits, orcs, goblins, trolls, and the occasional dragon. Sounds horrible."

"I have foreseen that life here will not always be peaceful," Elrond insisted. "Man's nature is not conducive to peace."

"So you're going to skip out?"

"Quit picking on Elrond, Heero," Quatre interrupted. "If he wants to sit around for eternity getting fat, that's his business."

"I imagine Glorfindel will keep him in shape," Duo snickered.

"Did someone mention me?" The handsome, golden-haired elf stepped into view. "I insist on being included if you're going to talk about me."

"You fought in the last battle against Sauron, didn't you?" Heero asked.

"I did, indeed!" Glorfindel replied. "Those were glorious days! Long, magnificent battles followed by nights of soul-searching and comforting each other. I miss those times."

"Now that's the kind of talk I like!" Heero declared. "Tell me more."

Elrond's cheeks reddened. "There's nothing more. It's all in the past. Let's talk about the future. Have you seen Aragorn?"

"Yes," Wu-Fei said. "Your attendants were about to bathe him."

"Oh, no!" Elrond paled. "They didn't have ribbons, did they?" He clutched at the trailing locks of his ribbon-woven hair.

"Don't worry. Alexa is supervising the preparations. He should look appropriately royal when they're finished."

"Oh, thank god!" Elrond heaved a sigh of relief. "Then, on another topic, have you seen my sons?"

"They're around. The party got pretty wild last night, so they're probably just sleeping it off."

"I see. I had hoped that participating in combat would give them greater fortitude."

"Well, if it didn't," Wu-Fei chuckled, "babysitting our children certainly did."

"What?"

"Never mind."

Boromir and Faramir came in holding hands.

"My friends!" Boromir called out. "This is an auspicious day for the kingdom of Gondor. After countless centuries, a king will once again sit on the high throne. We Stewards have kept vigil until this day and now our faithfulness will be rewarded. Please come outside to the courtyard. The ceremony will begin shortly." He proudly led the way outside.

Guards stood in an arc at the foot of the citadel steps, keeping the area clear for some paces back. There were already quite a few people gathered in the courtyard and more were coming up the ramp in a steady stream.

"I told you it would be crowded," Roku said. "Look at all the people."

"Have no fear, my young friend," Boromir said. He stopped right at the front and the guards moved aside to make a space. "This spot is for you and our noble hobbit friends, who should be joining us soon."

Roku sat down right in the middle and grinned a big tiger grin. "Thanks, Mr. Boromir!"

The hobbits and Gandalf came out then. Frodo still looked a bit pale, but he was smiling. "I'm sorry to have been out of it for so long," he said.

"You had good reason," Quatre replied. "Not the least of which was getting shoved into Roku's storage space. It's good to see you on your feet."

Everyone crowded around to pat Frodo on the back.

"If you will excuse me now," Gandalf said, "I must prepare for the ceremony." He puffed his chest out. "It will be my privilege to set the crown on Aragorn's head." He marched off with his chin up, looking very full of himself.

"What do you suppose Gandalf will do after this?" Hadeya wondered aloud.

"Oh, we invited him back to the Shire to eat, drink and smoke," Pippin volunteered.

"Yeah, because otherwise he'll probably just hang around here bothering Aragorn," Merry added with a snicker.

"That was thoughtful of you."

"Hush!" Roku interrupted. "I think it's starting."

But instead of Aragorn, Alexa and Jett came scurrying out of the citadel. "He's all ready," Alexa reported. "He looks great! Not a single ribbon anywhere."

Zechs patted her shoulder. "Well done."

Gandalf strode to the front of the top step and held up his arms. "Citizens of Gondor!" he cried. A huge cheer went up and he waited until it died away before continuing. "Through all the long centuries has the White City stood as the last bastion of Man against the coming of darkness. Your steadfast courage has prevailed and now the day for which you have waited is finally come. The King has returned!" Another huge roar rang out and Gandalf solemnly stepped to the side and bowed toward the citadel entrance. Two guards wearing tabards with the emblem of the White Tree opened the doors to reveal Aragorn, dressed in rich black brocade and a long cape also bearing the White Tree.

Aragorn marched forward until he was next to Gandalf and waved. He looked handsome and every inch the king. "My people!" he shouted over the roar. Folks began shushing each other and quiet quickly fell. "I can call you my people now, for I no longer have to hide my heritage behind a screen of plainness. I am overjoyed to be among you again and to take up the scepter once held by my ancestors. It is my honor to serve you in the years to come." He glanced at Gandalf and Gandalf held up his crown, to another round of cheers. Then the wizard stepped around in front of him and settled it onto his head. The cheers rose to a thunderous crescendo that echoed off the cliffs behind the citadel. A few rockslides started, but nothing that threatened the people gathered to greet their new king.

When Gandalf stepped aside, Aragorn came down the steps and clasped arms with Boromir and Faramir. Then he walked over to where the hobbits and Gundam pilots were standing. "Well, it is done," he said. "Honestly, I'm not sure what to do next." He smiled ruefully. "I'm not sure I actually now how to be a king."

"Start by forgetting all that humbleness shit," Heero advised.

"And don't let them saddle you with a bunch of paperwork," Treize said. "That's what your Steward is for."

"What?" Boromir exclaimed.

"Out-source," Trowa said and hooked a thumb at Faramir.

Understanding dawned on Boromir's face and he rubbed his hands together. "I know my dear brother will want to help me."

"Help you what?" said Faramir, who had not been paying attention.

"We'll discuss it later."

"Aragorn," Elrond said in a commanding voice. "This is a day I did not dare to hope for until but recently. Now that it is here, I am humbled by my former doubt. I should have had more faith in you. Perhaps you will accept this as my apology." He stepped aside and revealed that Arwen was standing behind him, her hands clasped demurely in front of her. Her chin was lowered so she could look up at Aragorn with a sweetly innocent expression.

Aragorn blinked at her. "I thought you were going to the Undying Lands!"

"That was never to be my fate," Arwen replied in a soft voice. "My future is with you." Her dark eyes flicked quickly to either side, as if daring anyone to say otherwise.

Aragorn stepped forward and took her hand. He kissed her briefly on the lips. "This union of elf and man shall symbolize the unification of this land of Middle Earth," he said gravely.

"What about the dwarves?" Alexa muttered. "Is he gonna marry one of them, too?"

"That would be the politically correct thing to do," Wu-Fei said. "But somehow, I don't think Arwen would let that happen."

Still holding Arwen by the hand, Aragorn turned back to the hobbits. "My dear friends," he said. "Frodo and Sam and Merry and Pippin; what you have done for this world may never be fully known. But know that those of us who stand here are forever in your debt and will pass your names down to our children as the noblest heroes who ever lived." With a warm smile, he bowed low before them. Seeing that, every person in the courtyard also bowed, the obeisance rippling across the crowd like a wave on the sea.

Aragorn straightened up and, with a last smile for the former members of the fellowship, moved off to receive the adulation of his new subjects.

"Well," said Duo, "I think this about wraps up this little adventure."

"But we haven't seen the Shire!" Alexa protested. "We can't leave until we visit Hobbiton and have drinks at the inn!"

"I quite agree!" Pippin seconded. "I'll even buy the first round!"

"You don't have any money!" Merry said.

"Oh, about that," Pippin said. "Can I borrow a few coins?"


	12. Back to the Shire

Chapter 12: **Back to the Shire**

Repairs in Minas Tirith were proceeding at a good pace, so the city engineers started drawing up plans for rebuilding Osgiliath. Heero received this news with dismay.

"We've got to get out of here," he confided to the others over dinner one night. "We'll get conscripted as cheap labor, otherwise."

"Heero makes a good point," Treize said. "As a former military commander, I know eleven pairs of idle hands would look awfully tempting to me."

"Fifteen, if you count the hobbits," Trowa put in. "Well, fourteen and a half, anyway."

"My point exactly," Heero said. "There's no reason for us to keeping hanging around. The coronation was three days ago. I'm sure the hobbits are ready to go."

"That's true," Alexa piped up. "I heard them talking about it yesterday."

"Our kleptomaniac tiger undoubtedly has enough supplies by now," Heero continued. "We should go."

Duo leaned toward Roku. "I notice you're not disputing the allegation."

Roku blinked innocently.

"Let's tell Aragorn tonight, then," Quatre said, "and leave tomorrow. If we give them too much warning, there will be speeches and banquets and we'll never get out of here."

Everyone agreed to this plan, so Alexa was sent off to inform the hobbits, who had been keeping a low profile in Frodo's room, and Treize went to look for Aragorn. He returned with the newly crowned king, Legolas and Gimli a short while later.

"My friends," Aragorn said, "it saddens me greatly that the time has come for us to part ways, but I understand. Your comradeship and valor in our recent endeavors cannot be overstated. But in truth, it gladdens me to know that our hobbit friends will have such stalwart protectors for their return journey."

"We shall miss you, Aragorn," Quatre said. "This has been a truly memorable adventure."

"As you speak of returning home," Legolas said, "Gimli and I have decided it is time for us to do the same. We have been too long from the arms of our loved ones."

"Very true," Gimli agreed. "In fact, we're of a mind to travel partway with you, since our road lies north, as will yours in the beginning."

Aragorn gripped the elf and dwarf each by the shoulder. "I shall miss you both very much," he said. "I hope you will return soon to visit."

"Indeed we will," Gimli said, patting his stomach. "Good friends, good food and good ale should never be neglected for long."

So without any more preamble, supplies were packed up and horses and ponies procured. At first light, everyone assembled in the courtyard, along with a goodly number of citizens who turned out to see them off.

Standing in the courtyard with his hands on his hips, Quatre studied the crowd. "I don't see Eomer." He glared suspiciously at Roku. "He's not in your storage space, is he?"

"No," Roku said, sounding faintly offended. "I wouldn't do that. He'd miss his horse friends." He pointed with his nose. "He's over there."

Quatre looked and saw Eomer hovering in the midst of several other horsemen. "Well, ok. I was just checking."

"Besides," Roku added casually, "There are plenty of other men out there in need of a thorough washing."

"I don't know why I find that concept so disturbing," Trowa murmured.

"I'm not going to think about it," Duo said.

Aragorn went to the top of the citadel steps and held up his arms to get everyone's attention. "Citizens and friends of Gondor!" he cried. "We have reached the end of this chapter in our long and proud history. The good people who aided us in our hour of direst need are leaving now to return to the homes they love, having helped us to save the home we love. I bid you all to wish them safe journey and urge you to never forget what they have done for us." Cheers and applause followed his words.

"And that's that," Heero said. He promptly mounted his horse. "Daylight's wasting."

Everyone else mounted up and, with a final wave, set off down the road for the gate. Unfortunately, it took forever to get there. Between the long switchbacks of the road as it wound down through the levels of the city, the scaffolding erected around the large number of damaged buildings, and cranes moving massive stone blocks from level to level, it was nearly an hour before they made it through the gate and into the plains of Pellenor.

"That was ridiculous!" Heero exploded when they were finally able to nudge their horses to a trot on the open road.

"At least we're out, finally," Wu-Fei said. He rubbed his nose. "All that dust had me on the verge of sneezing the whole way."

"I'm glad you held it in."

"Me, too."

They made good time for the next few days, but when it was time to head west, Gimli and Legolas bid them goodbye and continued north.

"So those two used to totally snipe at each other," Alexa noted when they were gone, "but now they're like best friends and stuff."

"The rigors of war often cause tight bonds to form between men who fight beside each other," Treize said sagely.

"Oh. I just figured they were banging each other."

"Alexa!" Zechs exclaimed.

"Gimli said elves are too hairless for his tastes," Duo said. "Dwarves like a little friction with their sex."

"Well, wouldn't doing it without lube work?"

"Alexa!"

"I don't think Legolas would care for that," Hadeya remarked. "He's a little tight."

Everyone stared at him.

Hadeya blinked. "Well, that's what I've heard," he added quickly.

"From whom?" Quatre asked dryly.

"Uh… well…"

"So that's where you went last night!" Alexa declared. "You win, Jett, but I don't think it's fair if you track people."

"Wasn't tracking," Jett said. "But Hadeya looked horny and Legolas looked available."

"Jett!" Duo exclaimed.

"And whose idea was it to bet on whether or not Hadeya banged Legolas?" Zechs demanded.

Alexa hung her head guiltily. "There wasn't anything else to do last night," she muttered.

"Couldn't you count stars or something?"

"I counted all the ones I could see," Jett volunteered, "but it gets boring counting the ones you can't see."

"How do you count stars you can't see?" Pippin interrupted. The hobbits had stayed quiet throughout the entire conversation while turning various shades of red; especially Sam, who was beet red all the way to the tops of his ears.

"Just 'cause you can't see 'em doesn't mean they're not there."

"Uh…" Pippin absorbed this with a puzzled look. "So how many are there?"

"I stopped counting after one hundred eight-three thousand seven hundred and ninety-five. Like I said, it gets boring."

"I… imagine so."

"So what did you win?" Duo asked Jett.

"Notice how he focused on the outcome of the bet," Wu-Fei remarked to no one in particular.

"I get Alexa's dessert tonight."

"Good bet!" Duo said approvingly. "If it's not for money, food is always best."

"Not sex?" Wu-Fei snorted.

"I never gamble when it comes to sex," Duo said. "I prefer a sure thing, like your attractively shiny ass."

"My ass is not shiny!"

"Wanna bet, Papa Wu-Fei?" Jett immediately piped up.

"No!"

"Dang!"

"It's not much of a bet anyway," Alexa said. "We've all seen Uncle Wu-Fei's butt and it is shiny. Kind of iridescent, even."

"It sparkles in the sun," Jett added.

Wu-Fei put a hand over his face. "I'm moving to my own place when we get home!"

"You can't do that, Fei," Duo said. "Who will oil your back and scratch off your scales during shedding season?"

"I'll manage!" Wu-Fei kicked his horse to a gallop and caught up with Roku, who was leading the way.

"Will he really move?" Frodo asked. The young hobbit had been extremely quiet and withdrawn up to this point, but now his expression was alert and curious.

"No," Duo chuckled. "He loves us too much."

Wu-Fei wouldn't sit near them when they stopped for lunch, but he had mostly gotten over his snit by dinnertime. "I will admit," he said stiffly, "that my scales do exhibit a modest sheen that some might describe as shiny." He glared around the group. "I do not think it is necessary to discuss the subject any further."

Wisely, everyone agreed they didn't need to talk about Wu-Fei's butt anymore. They arrived at this conclusion after a brief forty-five minute discussion.

"But!" Duo declared at the end. "I reserve the right to regularly fondle and otherwise toy with the body part that is no longer discussed."

"What?" Wu-Fei shouted.

"And since I can't talk about it, I guess I'll just have to jump in and start groping to convey my meaning." Duo leered at Wu-Fei. "Doing anything after dinner?"

"Yes!" Wu-Fei growled. "Sleeping!"

"Great! I'll sleep nearby, just in case the body part that shall not be named needs rubbing or probing or anything."

"Don't you dare!"

"Trust me, you won't feel a thing. Except maybe for a prolonged, rhythmic, internal massaging."

"You sonuvabitch!" Wu-Fei reached for his kitana, but Heero deftly snicked it out of reach.

"Now, now, Fei," Heero said soothingly. "Have an apple." He tossed a crisp yellow apple at him. "I'll just hang onto this." He tucked the kitana against his hip.

Wu-Fei caught the apple with a glower. "I'm killing somebody in the morning," he muttered and bit into the apple.

"Nobody dies until we get back to Mars," Quatre said tiredly. "I'll put the killing-Duo list on the fridge so everybody remembers the order. All right?"

Wu-Fei grumbled something that sounded only vaguely acquiescent.

"I never knew sex could be so funny!" Pippin chuckled.

"Then you must still be a virgin," Merry remarked, dead-pan, "because otherwise I daresay the girls would still be laughing."

"What?"

"I bet even Sam could bed a girl without sending her into hysterics."

"Leave me out of this!" Sam exclaimed, his cheeks flaming.

"Oh, ho!" Merry pointed at Sam's red face. "Is that the blush of experience I see?"

"How would you know?" Frodo said calmly. "You've never even been on a date."

Merry flushed. "What? I have to! I've dated lots of girls!"

"Name one."

"Uh… uh… Evelanda Took!"

"She's your cousin."

"Twice removed!"

"That makes her legal," Treize noted.

"But hardly a challenge." Frodo suddenly grinned. "So here it is. The first one to kiss a girl when we get back to Hobbiton has bragging rights. The rest will just have to admit they don't know the first thing about girls."

"I'm putting my money on Sam!" Alexa said immediately.

"What?"

"It doesn't have to be a wet one. The cheek's good enough, right, Frodo?"

Sam spluttered and Frodo began to laugh. "That's right! I'll accept the cheek, but in the event of a tie, the quality of the kiss will be the tiebreaker."

Sam sank to the ground with his hands over his face. "I'll never be able to show my face in Hobbiton!" he groaned.

Alexa patted him on the back. "Don't worry, Sam. We've seen you're privates. You're in good shape, proportionally, for a little guy. I don't think any of the girls will be laughing."

Frodo clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his guffaws.

Sam sank even lower. "Oh, ground, just swallow me now!" he whispered.

"Alexa, quit embarrassing Sam," Treize said.

"I'm not! I'm trying to cheer him up."

"Sometimes, discussing a man's endowments does not make him feel better."

"Really? I thought that was only true if he's got a tiny one, relatively speaking."

"I think you had better give up before it gets any worse, Treize," Zechs said. His face had the stiff look of someone doing his best not to dissolve into belly-clutching laughter.

"Of course," Alexa continued thoughtfully, tapping a finger against her chin, "it is weird that they've got hair on the bottoms of their feet and not on their…"

"Ok, Alexa!" Zechs interrupted loudly. "We're done with this topic. Maybe you should go count the rest of the invisible stars."

"Oh, all right! I can take a hint." She flounced over and flopped down next to Roku. "Got any cards?"

"Of course." Roku shifted into human form and produced a deck of cards. "What do you want to play?"

"Speed."

"Ok. I'll deal first."

Jett squatted down next to them to watch.

"You know," Treize said, "it's quite possible that we've been a little to open in regard to sexual behavior during our daughter's formative years."

Zechs stared at him. "Ya think?"

The long journey back to the Shire was nothing like the difficult and circuitous journey to Gondor. They traveled basically straight west and crossed the River Isen just south of the ruins of Isengard. They bypassed Rivendell and went straight across country toward their goal without stopping, although they weren't particularly hurrying either. They paused every now and then to hunt for fresh game, to gather herbs and edible tubers and to have sparring practice. Heero insisted on the latter since, now that the war was over, everyone would get all soft and flabby if he didn't keep them in shape with regular training.

Watching Treize and Zechs spar one afternoon with his arms folded, Heero cleared his throat. "Excuse me, what is that? This is sword practice, not foreplay."

"It is a useful engage-disengage technique that is worth practicing," Treize replied.

"And the part where you kiss your opponent?"

"It is intended to demoralize him."

"Zechs does not look demoralized."

"That's because we're practicing," Treize replied. "I'm sure if an opponent successfully kissed Zechs during combat, he would be completely demoralized."

"Devastated," Zechs concurred with a coy smile. He engaged Treize and managed to lick his ear before disengaging.

Treize grinned. "You see? If that had been a real opponent, I would be utterly mortified right now."

Heero shook his head in disgust. "You guys work up more of a sweat having sex."

"You never said the point of this exercise was to sweat," Treize laughed. His sword flashed through a series of lightning quick moves and he got inside Zechs' guard. But instead of disarming him, he captured Zechs with his free arm, pulling the handsome Count tight against him. "I win! Now you must submit to my superior masculine power."

Zechs dipped his head and his eyes smoldered seductively. "But I just did that last night."

"Yeah, we know," Heero grunted. "Clear the sparring ground. The hobbits need to work on their techniques."

Pippin, who had been dozing under a nearby tree, opened one eye sleepily. "What's that about hobbits?"

"Get your sword and get over here. You too, Merry. You can pair up with Jett and Alexa."

Jett immediately grabbed one of the small swords and marched into the clearing. She stood briefly at attention and then flowed into a kata, going through the sequence of moves without hesitation.

"Very nice!" Heero said. "Ok, Pippin, let's see what you've got."

Pippin paled. "You want me to fight her?"

"It's just a sparring match," Heero said. "And she's just a little girl."

"A little girl with a sharp sword!"

"Don't be so timid, Pippin!" Merry laughed. "Get in there!" He shoved a sword into Pippin's hand and pushed him into the cleared space.

Heero regarded Merry sternly. "And what are you waiting for? You're sparring with Alexa."

"But... But..." All the amusement drained out of Merry's face and he stared at Alexa in dismay.

Alexa picked up a sword and grinned at him. "Come on, Merry! Let's have some fun."

Sam clapped a hand on Merry's shoulder and propelled him toward Alexa. "You've been bragging about all the orcs you killed in the battle outside the gates of Minas Tirith," he said. "Show us how you did it."

"Well, you know, the heat of battle is different," Merry began and then yelped when Alexa promptly disarmed him by smacking his sword blade sharply.

Heero clouted Merry on the side of his head. "Keep a tighter grip on your blade! Again!"

After a half-hour, Heero allowed the hobbits to rest. Sitting on the ground in an exhausted heap, Pippin glared at Sam. "How come Sam doesn't have to practice?"

"Sam is a gardener, not a soldier," Heero replied. "He doesn't need to fight anymore because he has a valuable vocation. You two, on the other hand, don't appear to have any useful trade, so you may as well make your living as fighters."

Merry groaned. "I'm a gentleman! I don't have to have a trade."

"Bite your tongue!" Treize teased. "All the more reason to become a skilled swordsman."

Roku looked up from lazily licking a paw. "You told me you were good at pilfering, Merry. That's a trade, isn't it?"

Merry flushed. "No, no! That's just a hobby."

"A hobby likely to get you killed if you're not good at fighting!" Heero amended triumphantly. "Roku, get off you fuzzy behind, assume an appropriate form and start sparring."

Roku stood up and shimmered into a dragon. Heero glared at him. Roku grinned, showing lots of long dragon fangs, and morphed into a young teen. "Oh, fine!" He retrieved a long-bladed sword out of his storage space. "Can I spar with Papa Wu-Fei?"

"Of course, Roku!" Wu-Fei agreed at once. "I'd be happy to spar with you."

Quatre lifted an eyebrow at the hobbits. "Better make some room. This could get exciting."

Exciting was probably not the most accurate term to describe the high-speed, wide-ranging, spark-generating battle in which Roku and Wu-Fei engaged. They bounded all over the clearing, banked off trees, leaped, flipped and rolled, all the while hacking, slicing and stabbing at each other.

"How do they manage not to hurt each other?" Pippin asked in amazement. "I can't even follow their swords!"

"I'll tell you a secret," Treize said. "A skilled fighter can defend better than he attacks. That way, he can't be killed while he waits for his opponent to screw up and leave an opening."

Pippin scratched his head. "But then when do you attack?"

"In between your defensive moves."

"I'll never be a swordsman," Pippin groaned. "That makes no sense at all."

"I think it makes perfect sense," Frodo said. "And if it wasn't for the finger missing off my sword hand, I would be sparring, too."

Heero smirked at him. "Don't think I'm letting you off just because you lost a finger. It's only because the injury is recent and scar tissue will affect your grip. In fact..." He squatted down next to Frodo and captured his injured hand. "We should be breaking that up." He gripped Frodo's hand firmly and began massaging around the remaining joint of the missing finger.

"Ow!" Frodo cried out. He tried unsuccessfully to snatch his hand away.

"Cut that out," Heero ordered. "This is for your own good."

Tears sprang into Frodo's eyes. "But it hurts!"

"It's supposed to hurt," Heero said matter-of-factly. "That means it's working. You should watch this, Sam. I expect you to rub Frodo's hand like this every day until you can't feel any more hard spots."

"Hard spots?"

"Yeah, like here." Heero put Sam's fingers on a chunk of scar tissue. "It'll break up as you massage it."

Sam stared unhappily at Frodo's tear-streaked face. "I don't think I could hurt Frodo like that."

"Just do it until he really starts begging you to stop. Trust me; he'll thank you later."

"Oh, please stop!" Frodo whimpered.

Heero released his hand. "All right, but it's going to take longer if you can't last any longer than that."

Sam put a sympathetic arm around Frodo's shoulders. "There, there, Mister Frodo. It will be all right."

But Sam was diligent about performing his new duty all the way back to the Shire, despite Frodo's tears. But even Frodo cheered up when Roku came trotting back from one of his regular excursions ahead to report that they were approaching a large river that was spanned by a well-made wooden bridge.

"It's the Brandywine!" Pippin and Merry exclaimed together. "We're almost home!" They kicked their ponies to a gallop.

"Wait up!" Sam shouted and he and Frodo galloped after them.

"Should we hurry?" Hadeya asked.

Quatre waved a hand. "We'll catch up."

And in fact, they did, because the hobbits were stopped on the far side of the bridge, chatting with a group of pipe-smoking hobbits who were lounging against the rails.

"Been a to-do and all," one of the hobbits was saying when they rode up, gesturing with his pipe. "Folks been passin' though from all over. Seen men and elves and whatnot nigh on three times in a week!" The other hobbits nodded gravely, concurring with this shocking description. Then their eyes fell on the Gundam pilots and every mouth fell open, which resulted in more than one dropped pipe.

"Well, what have we here?" said one grizzled old hobbit. "An entire pack of men!" He eyed the four young hobbits suspiciously. "They with you?"

Merry grinned. "Yes, they are. We've all been fighting a war in the East and they wanted to see the Shire."

"Fighting a war?" someone exclaimed incredulously.

"It's all over now," Merry said quickly.

"Well, that's for the best." Several hobbits nodded in agreement.

"Came to see the Shire, eh?" the old hobbit said, looking the Gundam pilots over. "Can't fault ya there. Shire's the best place in the world and it's no wonder all them people keep passin' through these parts. But it's as well none of 'em stay long. We got our own ways here." He squinted at them as he spoke, and the implication that they didn't need to stay long either came through clearly.

"We're just on our way to Hobbiton," Frodo said.

"Hobbiton, eh?" The old man hooked a thumb over his shoulder. "You'll be wantin' to go that way, then."

Everyone blinked at the single road leading away from the bridge.

"Good advice," Treize murmured. "We'll do that."


	13. Homecoming

Chapter 13: **Homecoming**

On horseback, one could ride the length and breadth of the Shire in a matter of days, but as it was already well into the afternoon when they crossed the Brandywine, the group decided to camp for the night rather than try to push through to Hobbiton. But in the morning, not surprisingly, the hobbits were the first ones up, eager to be on the road. This was by far the most pleasant stage of their journey. The road wound through emerald green pastures, over sparkling streams and past thick stands of towering broadleaf trees. Here and there, the country was dotted with picturesque farms surrounded by neatly tilled fields. They passed shepherds sleeping in sunny meadows amidst their snow-backed flocks; goose girls in frilly dresses herding their charges along the side of the road; and gray-haired old men sitting under trees smoking pipes. As they got closer to Hobbiton, larger communities sprang up; quaint collections of tiny, thatch-covered cottages with round windows and doors. Cute little children ran to the side of the road waving and laughing, none of them apparently the least bit put off by Roku, who stood taller than most of them even on four paws. He took the opportunity to lick lots of giggling faces.

"Ah!" Pippin exclaimed expansively. "There's nothing like the Shire! It's good to be home!"

"I have to admit," Treize said, "this is one of the nicest places I've ever been."

"I agree," Zechs said. "Look at that tree over there by the stream. I can just imagine spending a quiet afternoon dozing in the shade."

"Or snuggling with your lover?" Treize grinned.

Zechs smiled back. "Perhaps."

"There's Hobbiton!" Frodo said excitedly. He pointed ahead as they crested a rise. Hobbiton was a good-sized town for a place built entirely to accommodate people less than four feet tall. Everyone except the girls had no trouble seeing over the tops of pretty much all the buildings.

"How delightful!" Quatre exclaimed.

"Is that the local inn over there?" Trowa asked.

"Aye, that's it," Frodo said. He winked at Sam. "That's where a certain young lady of Sam's acquaintance works."

Sam blushed.

Alexa peered down at his face from where she was sitting behind Treize. "Is that the girl you're going to win the bet with?"

"What?" Sam exclaimed. "I... Uh... She... You know..." He trailed off into complete incoherence.

"Apparently it is," Duo said drily.

Frodo laughed heartily. "When we were in Mordor, I have to admit one of my greatest regrets was dragging Sam away from the simple, innocent life he should have had. But that's all changed now. We're back and there's nothing to hold him back." He clapped Sam on the back. "So get in there and win your future bride!"

Hobbiton had a pleasant little stream running through the middle of it, so the town didn't have so much of a main square as a good-sized area beside the stream that didn't have any buildings in it. People stood around in the open space smoking, chatting and otherwise taking their ease on a really beautiful day. But when the Gundam pilots and their hobbit friends rode in, everyone stopped to stare at them in open-mouthed astonishment.

"Well, I'll be dang-blasted if that's not Frodo Baggins!" one old man exclaimed loudly.

"You're an old fool," said the man next to him. "Frodo Baggins went off his rocker, ran off and got himself drowned in the woods."

"I did not!" Frodo declared, astonished and offended.

"Didn't what?" the first old man asked, squinting up at him. "Go off your rocker or get drowned in the woods?"

"I am obviously not drowned!" Frodo exclaimed in exasperation.

"So I guess you're just off your rocker, then," the old man chortled.

"I'm not that, either!" Frodo declared. He swung down off the back of his pony. "I went to see my uncle Bilbo and had a bit of an adventure along the way."

"An adventure?" The old man blinked at him and then stared around at his companions. "Well, that would explain how you've turned up with all these strange folk and all. Adventure's the cause of many a missed meal and spilled ale." The other old man nodded gravely, as if he could not imagine anything more horrible than missing a meal or spilling an ale.

A middle-aged woman bustled up to them towing half-a-dozen children of various ages. "Upon my word! Is that Peregrine Took? Land sakes, boy, what happened to you? You're tall as a beanpole and here I thought you were all done growing."

Pippin hopped down from his pony and preened proudly. "I have grown, Aunt Betty! Six inches at least!"

"More like three," Merry said as he jumped from the back of his own pony. "I'm taller, too." He stood next to Pippin just to emphasize the point that he was slightly taller.

Aunt Betty's children crowded around, firing off questions faster than Pippin and Merry could answer them.

"Where did you go?"

"Did you see ogres?"

"Where'd you get the ponies?"

"Why do you have a sword?"

"Can I ride your pony?"

"Where'd you meet these men?"

"Are they ogres?"

Merry waved his hands. "Hold on! Hold on! We'll tell you everything; just let us catch our breath! We've been riding for weeks and could use a mug of ale."

"Or two!" Pippin added.

At the mention of ale, they suddenly had an escort of hobbit men of various ages herding them toward the inn.

"What about food?" Jett demanded. A flock of geese on the far side of the stream honked furiously.

The hobbit nearest her winced and stuck a finger in his ear. "Why, it's just about time for elevensies," he said. "I think the inn will be putting up a bit of a snack for anyone who happens to stop by."

A bit of a snack turned out to be massive servings of thick slices of buttered toast with jam, boiled eggs, an assortment of pastries, some filled with jam, some with custard and others covered in icing, kippered fish, roasted potatoes flavored with fresh herbs, tureens of porridge sweetened with honey, cold roast chicken, pickles, fat wedges of spicy yellow cheese and soft white cheese, and pies made of apples and pecans. There was also plenty of smooth black tea for anyone who didn't feel like drinking ale at eleven in the morning. Mainly, it was just the children and some of the more refined town ladies who thought it was a bit early for ale.

"Now, that's a proper snack!" Alexa and Jett declared in unison. They dived into the meal without hesitation.

Aunt Betty beamed appreciatively. "That's what I like to see," she said. "Children need to tuck away a proper bit of food if they're to have enough energy to get through the day." Her own children were attacking the table with equal enthusiasm.

Pippin and Merry joined in, with Sam and Frodo right beside them.

"Shire food!" Pippin declared reverently. "Every hardship we've been through was worth this moment." He shoved an entire pasty into his mouth, smearing his cheeks with custard. Merry just nodded, his mouth too full of kippers to speak.

"So was old Bilbo still alive?" inquired the old man who had first spoken to them. He had become quite affable over a mug of ale. "He was older than me when he left, though he didn't look it. I imagine he's kicked over by now."

"Bilbo was still doing well when I left him, Mr. Proudfoot," Frodo said. "It will take more than just old age to put Bilbo down."

"That's the right attitude!" someone cheered from across the room. He waved his mug. "Rosie! More ale!"

A pretty young woman with curly, reddish-blond hair, round cheeks and a ready smile hurried over with a pitcher. "You just watch you don't drink yourself under the table again, Mr. Boffin," she said. "Mrs. Boffin said she'd leave you to sleep it off under the hedgerow next time."

"This is only my second!" Boffin said. "You know I'm good for at least three more."

Rosie laughed as she filled his mug. "We'll see." She went back to the counter, going about her duties busily.

"I don't think Sam's eyes have left her once," Alexa remarked. She nudged the young hobbit. "I wouldn't wait around if I were you. She's a pretty girl. There are a lot of guys in here with their eyes on her. She's probably had a lot of chances to get married while you were away." Sam shivered. "So why are you still sitting here?" Alexa shoved him a little more firmly.

"You should listen to her," Roku said, lifting his face out of a bowl of porridge and licking his whiskers. "She smells excited and disappointed. You'll be in trouble if she starts smelling more disappointed than excited."

"What?" Sam stared in confusion.

Frodo patted him on the back. "Don't waste any more time, my friend. That's your future right there."

Sam swallowed. He squared his shoulders, knocked back the rest of his ale and surged to his feet. With a deep breath, he marched straight over to the pretty bartender. "Rosie, I have something to say to you," he said firmly.

Busily wiping a mug, Rosie blinked at him. "What is it Samwise Gamgee?"

He took the mug and cloth out of her hands and set them aside. "It's this," and he captured her round little face in his hands and kissed her soundly on the lips.

Rosie pulled back in surprise. "Sam!" she exclaimed.

"And another thing," he added and kissed her again, wrapping his arms firmly around her so she couldn't pull away again.

Applause broke out all over the inn.

"Now that's a proposal!" Betty Took called out, clapping happily.

"Perhaps someone should stop him before it goes any farther," Duo said casually.

"He's not a sex-crazed beast like you," Wu-Fei said.

"You can't hear what's in his head," Duo replied. "I hope hobbit betrothals are short."

"They can be," Frodo said. "And it's not like this is unexpected. I'm sure Rosie's mother has been making plans already."

"Would that be the woman who looks like she's measuring Sam while they kiss?" Quatre inquired.

"It would," Frodo chuckled. "She'll have him fitted for a wedding suit before dark."

"Does that mean there will be a wedding tomorrow?" Alexa said excitedly. "That would be a fun last thing to do before we go home."

"I'll ask," Frodo said. He went over to speak to the woman who was busily writing down measurements on a scrap of paper.

"So, Merry," Alexa said, "it looks like you lost the bet."

"So it would appear," Merry agreed. He saluted Sam and Rosie with his mug. "But I accept the loss with good grace."

Frodo came back chuckling. "It seems Mrs. Cotton intended to have Rosie married off before the end of summer, but Rosie's been holding out. However, Mrs. Cotton has decided that allowing herself to be publicly kissed is sufficient acquiescence on Rosie's part and she's not wasting any more time. She said she'd have Sam's suit finished by morning and the wedding feast will be ready by midday."

"What's the hurry, I wonder?" Pippin mumbled around a mouthful of roast chicken.

Mr. Proudfoot leaned forward, tapping the side of his nose. "I'll tell ye my opinion," he cackled. "Mrs. Logbottom's got two grandchildren already and Mrs. Cotton has none, a fact Mrs. Logbottom brings up every time she has reason to visit the inn. I expect Mrs. Cotton will be after Sam and Rosie to pop her out a passel of grandchildren right quick or else!"

"Hah!" Merry laughed. "I wonder if Sam knows what he's in for!"

"He's in for a lot more naughtiness than someone who's never kissed a girl," Alexa pointed out with a wicked smile.

"I've kissed a girl!" Merry retorted hotly. "I told you!"

"Right. Your cousin."

"She counts!" Merry quaffed his ale and waved the mug in the air. "More ale!"

"I think we'll have to get it ourselves," Pippin said. "The barmaid is occupied." He snagged Merry's mug. "I'll go." He went over to the bar, where Mr. Cotton was now filling mugs because his wife and daughter were occupied. "Where's the rest of your staff, Mr. Cotton?"

Mr. Cotton nodded toward the kitchen. "It's almost dinner time. They're finishing up the roasts and getting the stew sorted out. And the fresh loaves will be coming out of the oven any minute."

"Dinner time?" Heero exclaimed from where he was sitting with the other Gundam pilots. "But we just ate this massive meal!"

"This was nothing," Frodo said. "Just something to tide us over from breakfast. Dinner's the main meal of the day, but that usually wears off by tea time. And then later on in the evening we'll have a bit of supper to help us relax before bedtime."

Wu-Fei groaned. "If I ate that much in one day, I would explode."

"It sounds just right to me," Jett said, helping herself to another bowl of porridge.

"So how is this inn fixed for man-sized beds?" Trowa inquired. "If we're going to stay for the wedding, we'll need somewhere to sleep."

As if by magic, Mrs. Cotton appeared at his elbow. "We seldom get big people in Hobbiton, so we've no beds long enough for ye, but we'll put up blankets and straw in the stable and should have room enough for all." She nodded at Jett and Alexa. "Your young'uns can sleep in hobbit beds well enough, though."

"That sounds fine, thank you."

Many more people showed up at the inn for dinner, probably because they had heard about the visitors, and by nightfall, the place was packed to the rafters. At that point, Pippin and Merry had honed the story of their adventure into a taut, exciting tale and repeated it every few hours as new people showed up, and even those who had already heard it didn't tire of hearing it again. So it was quite late by the time everyone stumbled off for home and the Gundam pilots were able to bed down in the stable.

"I think," said Duo with a loud groan as he stretched out between Heero and Wu-Fei, "that for once I'd rather go to sleep than have sex. My tummy is so full!"

"That's a first," Wu-Fei said.

"What is?" Heero responded. "That he'd rather sleep or that he's full?"

"Well, both, actually."

"It is not!" Duo grumbled. He snuggled up against Heero.

"So if you don't want sex, what's with all the touching?"

"I just want to make sure you don't sneak off to enjoy yourself without me. Last time you did that you fathered Hadeya."

"What about you? Half of England is descended from you!"

"That's not true. Statistically, it can't be more than five or six percent."

"Small difference compared to my one descendent."

"Hadeya will make up for it. He's a demi-god. He has lifetimes in which to spread your gene contribution."

"Can you not involve me in your argument?" Hadeya put in sleepily.

"Can you stop talking altogether?" Quatre grumbled. "I'm trying to sleep."

"Sorry."

With only a little more shuffling about and getting settled, everyone finally drifted off. In the morning, they were awakened by Roku bounding into the stable and snatching off their blankets with his teeth. "Get up! Get up! The sun's been up for minutes! People are already putting up decorations! And breakfast is ready."

"In god's name, who let the tiger in?" Treize groaned. "I just fell asleep."

"That's not true," Roku said. "You've been asleep for five hours, thirty-six minutes and twelve seconds."

"That's all?" Treize flung an arm over his eyes. "That's not sleep! That's a nap!"

Jett and Alexa raced in.

"There's food!" Jett announced. Dust rained down on everyone from the hayloft. She moderated her pitch. "Pippin says it's not breakfast, just something to get people moving so they can start on the wedding chores. He said breakfast will be ready after sunup."

"Roku said the sun was up!" Treize exclaimed, aggrieved.

Roku shrugged. "Part of it is."

"You lying fuzzbucket! I'll get you for this."

Zechs sat up. "We may as well get up now. We're awake and I'm sure they wouldn't mind a little help with the preparations. I'm looking forward to seeing Sam get married."

"I am, too," Treize grumbled. "I just don't see why it can't happen later in the day."

Eventually, everyone made their way outside, where dozens of hobbits were busily setting up a canopy and benches in the middle of the open town center, with buntings and flowers everywhere.

"How pretty!" Quatre said.

But hobbits, it turned out, were not very organized when it came to planning large events, in part because no one would put himself in charge and direct things, so there was lots of confusion, duplicated effort, and things happening out of order. Mrs. Cotton apparently had a list of things she thought needed to happen, but she had not prioritized it and she was too busy getting Sam and Rosie ready to look after the preparations herself.

Quatre couldn't take it. "This is no way to plan for a wedding!" he declared in exasperation. "That's the third time someone has rearranged the benches!"

"But if we left the benches as they were," said one of the hobbits busily reorienting the benches, "We'd be looking right into the sun."

Quatre sighed. "Where is the sun now?"

"Well, right there." The hobbit pointed at the sun, which was now a quarter of the way up the sky.

"And where do you imagine it will be by the time the wedding actually takes place?"

"Well now..." The hobbit scratched his head and squinted at the sky. His eyes opened wide as understanding dawned. "Why, it'll be right overhead, won't it?"

"That's right," Quatre said patiently. "So the benches..." he hinted.

"Should be put back the way they were!"

"Yes. Why don't you see to it, and then stand here and make sure no one else tries to move them?"

The hobbit nodded furiously. "I'll do that, sir! Very smart, you are, I must say!" Shouting directions at the other bench-moving hobbits, he quickly got the benches put back where they were, and then proceeded to explain the intricacies of the moving sun to anyone who happened by.

Quatre groaned. "This is going to take forever. Duo, you're in charge of setting up the tables and tents for the food. Alexa and Jett, you help him. Heero, take over setting up that canopy. Hadeya can help you. Treize and Zechs, you handle the flowers. I want standing arrangements around the canopy and along the outside of the benches. Roku can conjure up some holders if the hobbits don't have enough. Trowa, get over to the other side of the river and tell those geese to shut the fuck up. Wu-Fei, you're with me. We're going to check on the wedding couple and see how the food is coming along. We're having this wedding by noon, dang it!"

Fortunately, the hobbits were happy to follow orders, so the preparations hummed along smoothly after that. By midday, everything was ready and the excited citizens gathered on the benches to witness what was now being talked about as the wedding of the season. The chubby hobbit minister took his place at the front, smiling beneficently. Pippin and Merry had seats at the very front, but the Gundam pilots stood at the back so they wouldn't block anyone's view. First to appear and walk down the aisle between the benches were a half-dozen or so adorable little girls carrying baskets of rose petals, only half of whom remembered to actually sprinkle the petals on the path. Next came Sam with Frodo as his best man. Frodo was smiling happily, but Sam was doing his best deer in the headlights impression. Next came Mr. and Mrs. Cotton. If Mrs. Cotton had been smiling any more broadly, the edges of her grin would have met behind her head. After the parents came a beaming maid-of-honor; a pretty young hobbit lass about Rosie's age dressed in a lacy blue frock. Finally, the bride appeared. Rosie was beautifully attired in a frilly white dress with colorful ribbons at the hem and collar, and trailing down from the sleeves. Her hair was plaited and woven with flowers.

As she went by, Zechs leaned toward Treize and murmured, "She looks a bit self-satisfied, wouldn't you say?"

"She got the man she was after," Treize murmured back. "Women are always very pleased with themselves when they do that."

Zechs lifted an eyebrow. "Only women?"

Treize smiled back. "Perhaps some men feel that way, too."

Once Rosie was in place by Sam, the minister began to speak. "Dear friends, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Samwise Gamgee and Rose Cotton. Do you, Samwise, take Rose to be your beloved wife?"

Sam swallowed, alternately flushing and going pale. "I do!" he choked out.

"And do you, Rose, take Samwise as your beloved husband?"

"I do!" Rosie declared happily.

"Then before these witnesses and good people, I declare you husband and wife!"

Frodo nudged Sam toward Rosie and the shy hobbit embraced his new wife for a long kiss. The assembled hobbits leaped to their feet, cheering wildly.

Quatre's mouth fell open. "That's it? I spent all that time getting this stupid wedding organized and that's it? Three sentences?"

"Well, you wouldn't want the food getting cold during some long-winded service, would you?" a nearby hobbit exclaimed. "That's why I sat near the back. Closer to the tables."

Quatre grumbled something unsuitable for young hobbit ears under his breath.

Sam and Rosie came back down the aisle, followed by her parents, Frodo and the bridesmaid, Merry and Pippin, and some other close relatives of the Cottons. But instead of forming a receiving line, the wedding party went straight to the tables and sat down. The inn staff brought them plates of food, mugs of ale and cups of wine immediately. This was apparently the signal for everyone else to help themselves to food and find seats.

"It's all about the eating, isn't it?" Trowa said cheerfully. "You have to admire their focus."

"Frodo said there would be dancing later," Roku said. "Once everybody has gotten a little drunk."

"How can they dance with that much food in them?" Quatre grumbled.

"I'm sure they're used to it," Trowa replied. "Anyway, now that Sam is married off, isn't it time to say our goodbyes and go home ourselves?"

"Yes," Heero said promptly. "All this celebrating and fun is turning you all to flab."

"Flab?" Wu-Fei exclaimed indignantly. "We've been training non-stop since we left Minas Tirith! How can one day of relaxation make us flabby?"

"It starts out as one day, but the next thing you know, you've been lazing around on your butts for weeks chugging booze and stuffing down meat pies."

"Duo is the only one who does that!"

"I rather enjoy meat pies," Hadeya muttered.

"That's it!" Heero said. "I'm picking the next vacation. Next time we're going someplace where you guys can't slack off."

"I'm not sure letting Heero pick is a good idea," Zechs said.

Heero glared at him. "You and Treize kept making out during training."

"We explained that."

"I'm not buying it."

"Honestly, I think now is as good a time as any to take off," Trowa resumed. "By morning, the hobbits will want to settle back into their lives and that will be easier to do without us around."

"What should we do with the horses?" Hadeya said. "They're a bit large for hobbits."

"We can leave them with Frodo. He can probably arrange to sell them in Bree."

"Oh, that's a good idea."

The entire group made their way over to the table where the wedding party was seated.

"Congratulations, Sam," Quatre said. "This is a very fitting end to quite an adventure."

"Thank you, Mister Quatre!" Sam replied. He was holding Rosie's hand and had a rather foolish grin plastered on his face.

"So on this happy note, we think it's time we went home."

"So soon!" Pippin cried. "But you just got here!"

"We really came along just to make sure you four got home safely," Trowa said. "Now you're home, Sam's married and you can all settle into your new lives. So it's time for us to get out of the way and let you get on with it."

Mr. Cotton saluted them with his ale. "Well said, sir! Well said! Do the job and get on to the next. That's a sound philosophy." He punctuated this statement by finishing off his ale.

Frodo stood up and held out his good hand. "Thank you all for everything you've done to help us on our quest. I wonder if we could have done it without you."

"We were glad to go along," Quatre said. He shook Frodo's hand. "Good luck."

"Thank you."

After that, there was much shaking of hands, hugging and kissing of cheeks, but finally, the Gundam pilots were able to extricate themselves from the crowd and retreat up the road out of town.

"You remembered to tell Frodo about the horses, right?" Quatre said to Trowa.

"Yes, I did."

"Good. Let's go into that field over there." Quatre led the way until they were well out into the pasture. "Now then, is everyone here?" He looked around, carefully counting everyone. "Ok, hold hands all of you and get close. I don't want to have to do this twice." He got out his spell book and held it up. "Return us to our living room on Mars exactly one month after we left, please." He opened the book and read off the rather long spell that covered the first two pages.

The world went dark, whirled slightly, and then brightened, leaving everyone a little disoriented. Wu-Fei sneezed.

"Yikes!" Duo exclaimed and everyone jumped back.

"Sorry!" Wu-Fei rubbed his nose. "Reality shifts really mess with my allergies."

Quatre looked around with satisfaction. "Well, the place looks none the worse for our absence. I think Sally's been dusting."

"That was a great vacation," Treize said, "but it's good to be home. I should go check on my vineyard."

"I'd better go with you," Heero said. "There's no telling what those stupid sprites have been up to. For all we know, they've uprooted all the vines and planted trees." He and Treize went out.

"We should go check on our house, Alexa," Zechs said.

"Ok, Mommy." Alexa took his hand and the two of them left, as well

"I'm going to take an allergy pill and lie down," Wu-Fei said.

"I'll go with you," Duo said. "To be honest, all that eating and drinking has left me feeling a little bloated. Maybe I should go on a diet." He followed Wu-Fei to their bedroom.

Roku shifted into human form. "I want to go over to the main dome and check in at the university. Maybe they've assigned me a classroom!"

"May I go with Roku?" Jett asked immediately. "I like going to the main dome."

"Of course you may," Trowa said.

"I'll go with them," Hadeya said. "I should see about my courses for the next session anyway."

"All right."

The three of them left and Trowa turned to Quatre with a smile. "We have the place all to ourselves."

"No, we don't," Quatre said. "Wu-Fei and Duo are in the other room."

Trowa waved a hand. "They're sleeping." He leaned toward Quatre and lifted his eyebrows. "I had time to think during the trip to the Shire. I've thought of an interesting variation on one of my favorite positions for you."

"What?" Quatre went pale.

"I think it will be much easier for you and therefore more enjoyable for both of us."

Quatre took a step back. "It doesn't involve bondage, does it?"

"Only a little."

"Um…" Quatre took another step back.

Trowa grinned. "There's no escape for you, Quatre." He pointed down the hall. "Get going."

Quatre's shoulders slumped and he trudged resignedly down the hall. "I'm so abused!"

"Not yet, but you will be!"

-o- The End -o-

_And thus ends the final installment of the three-story Lord of the Gundams arc! Thank you so much for reading! It's great to have made it all the way through to the end and now I'm going to take a well-deserved break! But I promise, the boys will be back one day in another adventure!_


End file.
